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Eastwood Town

impsTALK.co.uk > Rough Guides > Opposition > Eastwood Town

Club Details
Send hate mail to: Eastwood Town Football Club
Coronation Park
Chewton Street,
Eastwood
Notts
NG16 3HB

Tel: 01773 715823
   
Matchday prices: Adult - £7.00
OAP/Concessions - £5.00
Under-14s - £2.00
 
Who the hell are Eastwood FC?
Earlier in the season, on this very Rough Guide, we sniffily dismissed Eastwood's history as 'not very interesting'.

Which was true: it wasn't. Eastwood were only formed in 1953, beginning life as a successful Notts Alliance outfit. They shifted between various no-name regional leagues before entering the Midland Counties league in 1971, ascending over time to reach Northern Premier level by 1987.

After a one year sojourn in the NCEL during 2003/2004, they bounced back and might have ascended yet further last season had they not had the misfortune to get spanked by Gateshead in the playoffs.


But now, after an extraordinary run in the FA Cup, Eastwood are officially 08/09's 'plucky no-hopers from provincial backwater' that tabloid journalists get to patronise. Good for them, we say. Although to draw Kettering in the third round must have been truly soul-destroying...

Claims to fame
Bradford City fans will remember Richard Liburd, a centre-half who remains Eastwood’s most notable former player, having secured an impressively hefty £72k transfer to Middlesbrough all the way back in 1992/1993.

After stints at Meadow Lane and Sincil Bank, he ended up returning to Eastwood in 2004 before calling it a day and retiring to run a pub/newsagent/bookmakers/chip shop (delete as applicable).

England stars Jeff Astle and Tony Woodcock were both born in Eastwood, but neither so much as kicked a ball for their home-town club, starting their careers at Notts County and Nottingham Forest respectively. Woodcock finished his playing days in Germany.


Where do they run around like headless chickens?
Eastwood play at the rather grandly named Coronation Park. Here's a picture:


Last three seasons

2005/2006 – 7th in Northern Premier Division One
2006/2007 – 3rd in Northern Premier Division One
2007/2008 – 4th in Northern Premier League

 
The town
It was during the Boston United v Blyth game last season when we were discussing the possibility that the Pilgrims could be facing Eastwood Town in 2008/2009 - as the Nottinghamshire club was embroiled at the time in a tense*, and ultimately doomed, play-off tussle with Gateshead – when, suddenly, a Boston fan who bore a striking resemblance to Farmer Dan spun around in his seat to declare that he used to actually play for Eastwood.

Not only that, he claimed, but we were pronouncing the name of the town incorrectly. “It’s not Eastwood,” he scolded, shaking his head. “It’s pronounced Aaayst-wood, ye daft plonkers.”

Aaaystwood? Well, having conducted our own scientific survey of five blokes in the office and a Nottingham city bus driver whose route goes nowhere near Eastwood, we can confirm that the correct pronunciation is news to folk round here. That said, Farmer Dan’s assertion is not, as it happens, without foundation. On further investigation, it seems that the weird pronunciation is due to the phonological nuances of a now virtually extinct Midlands dialect spoken exclusively in and around Eastwood long before the town was bulldozed to make way for the vast Ikea retail park thing. So the Farmer Dan was quite correct, although the fact that he was speaking a language that has its roots firmly entrenched in Middle English explains why he was wrapped in a blanket and looked 985 years old.

As for the town, Eastwood is, like a great many in the area, a former colliery settlement. The pits are now all closed, of course, but unlike many other unfortunate Coketowns Eastwood had an ace up its sleeve once the miners had been tossed out of work: a DH Lawrence shaped ace. The author was born in the town, y’see, meaning there was, and is, enough of a tourist industry to keep Eastwood’s head above water and prevent it becoming a carbon copy of Rainworth or Ilkeston. For which they must thank tales of lesbian lovers and illicit encounters with naked gardeners who look suspiciously like Sean Bean.

Modern Britain: a nation plagued by filth, immorality - and Stan Collymore. And it's all Eastwood's fault.

The other ace, of course, is Ikea: thousands of eager shoppers flock there every weekend to purchase bits of MDF disguised as real wood they can bolt into shapes vaguely resembling bookcases, and box upon box of that delicious dime bar cake (they sell it in Tesco now – ed).

*not actually tense


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