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FC United of Manchester

impsTALK.co.uk >> 2008/09 >> Rough Guide > FC United of Manchestershire United A.F.C

Club Details
Send hate mail to: Gigg Lane
Bury
BL9 9HR

Tel: 0161 236 1070
   
Matchday prices: Adults: £7.50
Under 18: £2
Concessions: £5
 
Who the hell are FC United?
Not content with dominating the top flight of English football for the last couple of centuries, turning our league into an interminable procession - thanks, mainly, to their status as a genuine global superpower - Manchester United have now decided to ruin football for the rest of us. Or, at least, some of their very angry fans have.

As you’ll already no doubt be aware, FC United were formed in 2005 after Malcolm Glazer’s dodgy-as-hell leveraged takeover of the Old Trafford side, offering thousands of disgruntled fans the opportunity to keep it real by standing on a wind-swept terrace on a bitter Tuesday night watching their team get stuffed 9-0 by Prescot Cables. Except, of course, their team never gets stuffed 9-0, since FCUM are the ones doing the stuffing, steamrollering their way through the lower reaches of the pyramid much like US marines rolled over the Iraqi border in 2003, meeting only token resistance in the process.

impsTALK's cheap calculator after we tried working out Manchester United's total debts

On the face of it, FCUM fans have swapped sitting in a plush ground watching their team thrash the opposition with a tiresome ease for, well, sitting in a plush ground watching their team thrash the opposition with a tiresome ease. But at least they can take their kids to a match without forking out £858 per game, which, we suppose, is kind of the point. There are signs, however, that the FCUM bulldozer has slowed a little. Crowds are markedly down and last season they could only manage a runner-up spot behind the bankrolled nutters from Bradford, slumming their way to promotion via the play-offs.

The club is highly likely to be the best supported in the division next season. Rightly or wrongly, FCUM fans seem to have already earned a reputation for being a 'bunch of pious, sanctimonious tossers' (not our words) who think that their club is the biggest and best non-league club in the entire universe. How true this is remains to be seen; we suspect the intense dislike from many quarters is merely overflow from the widespread loathing of Manchester United and will be interested to see how the fans are when they make the trip to York Street.

In any case, FCUM have a lot more going for them than the deluded whackos at Bradford Park Avenue. They are, rightly, aspiring to be the ultimate fan-owned club. Promoting inclusion, affordabilty and transparency, FCUM serve as an inspirational benchmark for Trust-owned clubs around the country, and their popularity has helped promote the cause of the Trust movement and Supporters Direct immensely. Along with AFC Wimbledon and AFC United of Telfordshire, FCUM are shining beacons of the fan-ownership model - a model you needn’t be a rabid, lentil-crunching socialist to understand brings enormous and sustainable benefits to football.

And at least the FCUM fans actually did something about their growing disaffection for top flight football. Can you really imagine Newcastle fans, the sort of so-called ‘supporters’ who couldn’t even contrive to assassinate Freddy Shepard with a simple car bomb, forming a breakaway team? No, us neither.

 
Claims to fame

FCUM are rightly proud of the fact that Mr Alex Ferguson hates ‘em. The mere mention of ‘FC’ and ‘United’ at an Old Trafford press scrum is enough to have the offending newshound dragged outside by burly security guards and beaten about the head with a blunt object, such as Wayne Rooney, until the purple Steve Evans sound-alike and Sir Brian Clough wannabe believes the message has been understood loud and clear. Socialists are so, y’know, angry these days.

 
Where do they run around like headless chickens?

Although seeking to build a ground of their own, FCUM currently play at Gigg Lane, Bury. Let's not beat around the bush here: Gigg Lane is to the Northern Premier League what Wembley is to the FA Vase – a palatial dreamscape where the showers emit actual water rather than raw sewage, where the toilets have been cleaned at least once since the sinking of the RMS Lusitania and where fans may watch a game without fretting nervously about the structural integrity of the ‘roof’ above their heads.


Gigg Lane: it's, like, a proper stadium!

What’s more, it is a ground where the lights are powered by electricity, not steam furnaces; where the pies are cooked, and not merely warmed under the bingo-wings of the tea-lady; a ground where the pitch is watered, rather than ploughed, before kick-off. It is, in short, lovely.

 
How many away fans will they bring?

Either 521 or, if they get the hump at Boston's ticket prices, zero.

 
The town

Voxra's pub guide
 
Vaguely connected impsTALK FCUM content
FCUM 0, Boston 1 - impsTALK match report
This report of United's trip to Gigg lane in August 2008 originally appeared on Chris Taylor's It'll Be Off blog. There is a fun-size Twix up for grabs for anyone who can make it to the end without falling asleep.
 
Links
Official site

It’ll Be Off - He may have only been on the air for two months, but this FCUM blogger seems to have his head screwed on. More importantly, he shares our genuine belief that Bob Blackburn is a mentalist too. Great stuff.

The Soul Is One - FCUM fansite.

FCUM forum
- Approximately 985% busier than any other NPL forum, including our own. Registration required to view. Boo.

 
Anything to add?
Tell us how wrong we are, recommend a decent pub or try flogging us life insurance by E-MAILING us.

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