all the action from The Weaver Stadium - LIVE(ish)
Tuesday 21 April
2009, Northern Premier League
Walker 33, 47
Jones, Beeson, Tinson, O’Loughlin,
Dave Tickle, Carter, MacPherson, Blackhurst, Jack, Walker,
Subs: Parkinson, Whittaker, Hawthorne,
Boston: Butcher, Matthews, L. Parker, Millson, Ellender,
Bloomer, Sedgemore, Melton, Farrell,
Subs: Clarke, Griffiths,
Wood, Jackson, Green.
The Great Fire of Nantwich - as depicted by impsTALK's crack team of graphic
design experts (come back Andy, for the love of God)
It’s only been about a year since the last time we did one
of these min-by-min updates, but since the Beeb are off on a merry
jaunt covering the game live from Nantwich it would be rude not to
take advantage, nick their coverage, blow away the cob-webs and gift
the site its one and only min-by-min of what has been - let’s
be honest - a terrible, shocking, disgraceful and pathetically abject
This season has been bad on many, many levels. It should not, therefore, come
as much of a shock that what little drama remained as United sought to retain
their NPL status ebbed away yesterday when it emerged that Cammell Laird would
be demoted at the end of the season for failing to bring their ground up to scratch.
As the victims of about 52 demotions in the last two weeks, we should sympathise
with their plight. But rules is rules, and if we got booted down for breaking
some, so should they. Naturally, they’ve appealed, and it will probably
take the panel of NPL blazers at least a dozen buffets to finally make up their
mind, but given the spate of demotions and deductions over the last couple of
years up and down the pyramid, Lairdians probably shouldn’t get their hopes
And so, to tonight. Boston need a win, or a point combined with a partial eclipse
of the moon or something, to guarantee safety regardless of what our fellow NPL
brethren do, but picking points up at the home of the club that so emphatically
bum-shafted the Pilgrims earlier in the season is not going to be easy. Despite
a recent resurgence in form, United looked laboured at the weekend, although
that was probably because they were being irradiated by Ossett’s forest
of microwave mobile masts*.
Aside from The Frog’s tame header clunking against the post, United created
very little against a limited side reduced to ten men, and if you were being
pessimistic, that might be a cause for concern this evening. We’ll post
the teams just as soon as we can copy and paste them from elsewhere. Meanwhile,
we’ll be doing another end-of-season round up on the main site at some
point in the next few weeks, so if you wish to share your favourite away day
of the season/least favourite ground/most obnoxious fan encountered, please do e-mail
us - please - and join in with the not-so-grand finale to a desperately
disappointing ten months of pretty god-awful football.
Predictions? Well, all good things come to an end. And we’re miserable.
So, Nantwich 2, United 0.
*DISCLAIMER - the physical effects of microwave radiation
associated with the use of mobile phones remains a contentious issue
between researchers and scientists around the world, depending on who
actually funds the scientists. impsTALK wishes to make it perfectly clear
that it does not know for a FACT that the prolonged use of mobile phones
leads to cancerous growths in the head-noggin
Nantwich Official Site
Nantwich Rough Guide
Andrew Stanhope is sounding remarkably confident, telling the BBC: “We’re
DEFINITELY going to turn over Nantwich tonight. We’ll get the
of course, but that was pretty much the jist of it. Hope that one doesn’t
come back to haunt him.
- First e-mail of the night arrives from Adam Upsall, who
shows up in timely fashion to mock Nantwich's badge.
"Nantwich must be the side with the worst badge
we have played this season?" he
chuckles. "I mean, come on, its a poor man's old school Newcastle one
- and who wants to be anything like them?
7.45pm - The teams are out on the pitch
and lining up to shake hands. Because that absolutely reduces
the number of two-footed death lunges and verbal assaults on
7.47pm - Peeep! Nantwich kick off,
and we're underway. Froggatt immediately collects a loose
ball and punts in a decent cross that is scrambled away for
a corner, from which United produce a spell of concerted
pressure on the Nantwich goal. Decent start.
2 mins - "Nantwich look
like they're going to be playing football tonight," exclaims
Dalton. His surprise is understandable given some of the
shit we've had to endure this season. From Boston, mainly.
Then Miller squares up to a defender. Shock!
5 mins - "After five minutes of squinting at Nantwich's badge
I discovered that it looks like a cartoon jester," Pat proclaims. Before
slightly backtracking: "Sort of. See it?"
7 mins - GOAL! Nantwich 1, Boston 0 - What
the fuck is all this about? I thought Stanhope said
we were definitely going to win? Lennon surges forward dangerously,
but Tom Matthews clears well, only for Blackhurst to come crashing
back with seconds. His shot is parried by Butcher and the loose ball
is prodded in by Lennon. Arse.
10 mins - HOW DIDN'T NANTWICH SCORE THAT? Boston
play the offside trap, but forget to tell Bloomer, who plays that man
Lennon onside. His shot crashes off the bar, and after a decent start,
Boston could quite easily be two down.
mins - Adam Upsall's back with some news about Boston's
disciplinary record. "Did you know that we could
get £1,000 for topping the Unibond fair play league?" he
asks. "Thank God Miller is suspended for Saturday
as nearly getting a booking tonight already shows he may
keep us up but at what cost!"
Adam has also kindly provided the current fair play standings, which you can
read, er, HERE
mins - Phew! Lennon has the ball in the back of the
net, the Nantwich crowd cheer - but the linesman's flag is
mins - Uh-Oh. Millson's crocked and his lifeless body
is dragged from the pitch by KC. Clarke jogs on to replace
him. It doesn't look good for Millson's chance to make the
Saturday game against whoever it is we're playing.
mins - Bit of a lull in proceedings, during which
attention turns to how Boston have turned around what looked,
post-Kendal, a desperate situation. "Ellender," Cookie
declares. Can't argue with that.
mins - CHANCE! A low ball across the face of the goal
is fumbled by Butcher and Bloomer almost bundles it into his
own new, but the ball is scrambled clear. United, it must be
said, should probably be further behind.
mins - Upsall's back! "I think it's safe
to say we will be listening as intently to the news from the
next league meeting regarding Laird as we are this commentary," he
says, referring to Laird's demotion from the NPL. "Fecking
Boston United eh?" Well, you say that Adam, but would
you really want it any other way? REALLY?
mins - Why hasn't Ricky Miller scored yet? Or, at the
very least, kicked someone in the face? Very disappointing.
mins - "Sorry Pat," says SoCalled,
preparing to disagree with Pat's assertion that the Nantwich
badge looks like a jester's hat. "Don't see it. Not
even sort of. Now, its perhaps because I am still working
(yes, I know) and haven't yet had us tea.... but it reminded
me of the Trio
advert and a cartoon tonsil. Which, while I am on the subject
of food.... did you realise Nantwich is (apparently) dubbed "the
Gourmet Capital of England's North West"? I shit
you not. I should eat. Or actually do some work (for which
I am currently being paid)."
33 mins - GOAL! Nantwich 2, Boston 0 - Dave Walker slams home a ball
flicked on from the near post following a Nantwich corner. Bloody. Hell. Looking
like a long way back for Boston now. Was Stan not touching wood when he said
we'd definitely win?
34 mins - CHANCE! From Nantwich's FOURTH corner of the night, Tom Matthews
clears off the line and boots the ball out for their FIFTH. Hmmm.
36 mins - Well, I wonder how Welsh is going to try and turn this around
without hiring a Serbian hit-man to ensure Lennon has, erm, an 'accident' at
40 mins - The good news is that Gray's George
Beavan has put his team 1-0 against Crawley Town.......what?
43 mins - 796th corner of the night for the dominant home side,
but this time it's cleared away.
44 mins - Hasn't Miller even been
booked? What the fuck is he playing at?
mins - Injury time is being played, Farrell flies
forward and skips into the penalty area. Farrell is tackled
by Jack, and Boston - get this! - have a corner. Can they get
anything back before half-time?
+ 2 - No.
Peeep peeeep peeeeeeep! That'll be that, then,
for the first half and it ends with the home side bum-shafting
Boston yet again. Either Andrew 'We're Going To Get A Result
Mark My Words' Stanhope is some kind of prophetic genius, or
he's just wrong.
- OOOooooh! Liverpool 0, Arsenal 1. Now then!
- "Given we have scored just 16 away goals all season
I think it's time to just ensure we don't concede again. The goal
difference is going to be very very important come 5:45 on Saturday," says
Adam. He has a valid point. Unlike Boston this
evening. Boom boom. No?
- "If, assuming Lairds' appeal is successful,
the final relegation place has to be decided on the last day,
and we lose or draw, what will happen?" muses Patrick. "Presumably
we will have the mini-awards ceremony while everybody waits
for Craig Singleton to get the results from the UniBond League
website and update the table to reveal our final standing?"
If Saturday is anything to go by, we'll have eights
sets of contradictory results wired in from a variety of inaccurate
sources before all is finally revealed and we're demoted for
having six flags.
Off we go! Can Boston get a swift goal back?
mins - GOAL! Nantwich 3, Boston 0 - No. No they can't
In fact, they've fallen further behind, thanks to a bit more
suicidal defending and a smart finish from Walker from a narrow
angle, having rounded the hapless Butcher. Ah well. Crawley
are still losing.
49 mins - It's fair to say that,
if Boston were to pull this bastard around, Dalton's famous
Southport commentary would sound like a soothing hypnosis self-help
51 mins - Reading are winning at Derby. Stick that in yer pipe, Clough.
56 mins - GOAL! Nantwich 4, Boston 0 - This is rapidly
turning into a big pile of steaming shit. Lennon scores yet
again thanks to some defending you could only describe using
frenzied hand gestures and an afternoon water-colour workshop.
While Chris Cook rages in the commentary box about the shambolic
defending, Welsh responds by hauling off half his team and
sending some kids on.
57 mins - A fairly damning verdict from one of our moles at the match: "If
Boston laid on their backs and let Nantwich perform bukkake on them, they'd put
up more of a fight," says Mr G Kemsley, from Dagenham. I'm going to
plead innocent ignorance here and claim I have no idea what 'bukkake' means.
I'll Google it.....
60 mins - .....fucking hell. I'd better clear
the internet history.
61 mins - Those subs - Bloomer was
replaced by Nick Jackson, while Sedgemore made way for Mitchell
63 mins - "Fecking shite!" yells
Adam. "Let's face it, nothing about tonight should
be a shock, first decent side we have come up against in the
last few weeks and BOSH. Nothing else for it, I'm off to the
64 mins - Heeeeere's Adam:
mins - It's quite simply unbelievable that we're having
to rely on some team named after a shipbuilder failing to spend £6.37
on their ground to satisfy the inspectors to save ourselves
this season. Really, even considering the behind-scenes progress
and on-going issues, all of which are now-well-documented,
this season has been a disgrace. An absolute fucking disgrace.
69 mins - Tonight's attendance is
514. A very decent crowd indeed. I hope Nantwich stay down
this season, for purely selfish reasons. Nothing much is going
on in the game, by the way, except Nantwich haven't yet made
it 10-0 on aggregate.
72 mins - Trafford were leading 1-0
against Quorn in the Unibond Presidents' Cup final this evening.
75 mins - Boston make a rare foray forward,
but Griffiths' cross is gathered safely by Jones. Nantwich steam
down the other end immediately and...... corner!
76 mins - DISALLOWED GOAL! From
the corner, Dave Whittaker heads home, only to be foiled
by the linesman's frenzied flagging.
79 mins - Running the possible permutations through impsTALK's Relegation-O-METER™ has
caused the 45 year old device to explode spectacularly. A bit like Fergie did
at Wembley on Saturday. I just don't get it. Perhaps because I'm thick.
mins - Nantwich stroll forward, a bit half-arsed. Boston
boot it clear, a bit half-arsed.
84 mins - ANGER! With fire in his
eyes, Upsall unleashes the RAGE: "Is it me or do
Cookie and Scott actually realise the situation in front
of them? Have another chuckle lads eh and lump all
our fortunes on Whitby and Witton getting beat. T I
N P O T, we have to face facts."
87 mins - I really should have
gone to the pub to watch the Arsenal game.
89 mins - GOAL! Nantwich 5, Boston
0 - An.
Absolute. Fucking. Shambles. Butcher fails to come and
collect an inswinging corner, and Kinsey, left with
a free-header, promptly sends the ball flying into the
United net. A disastrous result for the Pilgrims. Which
is odd, because Stanhope said we were going to win. He's
almost as good at predicting games as I am.
90 mins - Two minutes of injury
+ 2 - PEEEP PEEEP PEEEEEEEEEP! Well, that'll do it! And, er,
there's not a huge amount you can say about that. 10-0 on aggregate over
the season? Brilliant.
Full-time musings - David Newton has a very, very busy summer
ahead of him. I hope Neil Kempster's got an industrial coffee machine ready,
because this club, on the playing side at least, doesn't just need an overhaul
- it needs tearing down and starting again. From scratch, preferably. A thoroughly
deserved win for a brilliant Nantwich, and United cannot have any complaints
whatsoever. Thanks for your e-mails, and see you on Saturday. Ta ra.