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Follow all the action from Rivacre Park - LIVE(ish)

Tuesday 11 March 2008 - Tinpot Pub League
Kick off 7.45pm

VW Motors 1

Heller 85

Boston 0

VW: Owens, Egerton, Williams, Hitchen, Murphy, Robinson, Griffiths, Holmes, Smith, Heler, Taylor
McGrail, Field, Reed, Roberts

Rayner, Matthews, Bloomer, Ellender, Crane. Gaughaghggahran, Nicholls, Ex-Busted star James Bourne, Nuttell, Leabon, Rowan.
Subs: Foggatt, Stevenson, Weaver, Lil'Thommo, Ben Joyce.


Oh God. OH GOD. We're just so fucking FUNNY. Do you see what we've done? Do you? Do you see how CLEVER we are? Because, right, Volkswagen isn't actually Vauxhall. Yes? Do you see now? God, we're just so goddamn HILARIOUS

Preamble, in which impsTALK prods the twitching carcass of the Volvo/VW Motors gag to see if we can resurrect it just long enough to keep us in business tonight
When we jibber-jabbered about Tony Crane’s amazing three point mission on our way back from Hucknall on Saturday, we weren’t talking about how many Weightwatcher points he’d managed to save up for the after-match piss up. No, rather we were talking about the quite amazing fact that after nearly six whole years, The Amazing Crane had only gone and salvaged a league victory for the Pilgrims after they’d conceded the first goal. Not since Southport had THAT happened – although we shouldn’t forget that the Southport game is really remembered for different reas-IT’S THEEEEREEEEEE YAAAAAARGHHHHH GUUUURGHHHHHH!–ons these days.

After last week’s 65,000 word dissertation exploring the depressingly tinpot world of the woefully researched, poorly presented, half-baked, two-bit reality documentary, impsTALK’s pre-match preamble is a shining beacon of brevity this evening. Before we move on to offer a half-hearted preview of tonight’s actually quite meaningless game, despite what Mr Crane says, I would like to draw your attention to SLIGHTLY SUPER SATURDAY, which refers, of course, to impsTALK’s sponsorship of the matchball for the Boston v Blyth game on April 19th. Suddenly realising we actually have to pay for this fairly soon, impsTALK is now giving YOU the chance to BE THERE on SLIGHTLY SUPER SATURDAY – in PERSON so you can witness the game with your ACTUAL EYES! But that, my little online friend, is not all. Oh no. You could also meet an actual, real life member of the United squad, or even stand on the pitch to make a presentation. And not since the days of Steve Evans and his Special Clique has THAT been offered out to you on the terraces. Sadly, we cannot offer you a tie and a blazer…. But….

The prizes
1st prize – A pair of tickets to Boston United v Blyth, on-pitch matchball presentation prior to kick-off, a ‘special nod’ from the directors box*, passes to the VP Lounge, the manager’s mobile phone number*, one reserved car park pass, complimentary tickets for you and 252 friends to any season of your choice*, complimentary matchday programmes, a matchday ‘souvenir’ (we haven’t the foggiest what this actually is, you might end up with Neil Kempster popping round to mow your lawn for all we know), a pat on the back when you bump into the manager in the carpark*, a photograph with the Man of the Match (Tony Crane) and most importantly of all, a full-time buffet and half-time refreshments.

2nd prize – Exactly the same as above, but you don’t get the car parking space. Oh no. Big loss.

3rd prize – A complimentary photo of you wearing the famous aquamarine scarf. Dazzle your friends. Amaze your neighbours. Bore the pants off non-United fans.

More AMAZING prizes will be found in impsTALK’s cupboard or the back of the sofas at impsTALK HQ.

(Please note, prizes marked * have been added for comedic purposes only and serve only to maintain impsTALK’s global reputation as the world’s fifth funniest Boston United website. They are not genuine prizes and any attempt to procure Tommy Taylor’s mobile phone number will likely result in you being told to ‘fack off, sunshine’ before being dealt a swift knee knack in the goolies)

£2 each, in person from Adam Upsall outside the Spayne Rd turnstiles on Saturday prior to the Burscough match. Or online via Paypal.

Already donated?
If you’ve already donated to the match fund, first of all thanks for your patience. You’ll be assigned tickets in the raffle up to the amount you’ve donated. So if you donated a tenner, you’ll get five chances to win a pair of tickets.

Moving on
We’ve successfully padded out this preamble without even mentioning the football. Mission accomplished. What is there to say about tonight’s game? VW Motors aren’t very good, Boston are average but should have enough to win but might not but probably should but you never know but who really cares anyway because the season’s over as it is.

That lot…
….works team…. Scousers…. Blah blah….. Volkswagen Golf…. Tiny ground…. Blah…. Ellesmere Port…. Blah de blah de blah…. Sean Lake the amazing disappearing goalkeeper….. blah….. 5-1…. Not very good….. blah….. yawn…. Snooze…… Volvo.

Our lot…
Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Tony Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Tony Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Anthony Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane The Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Anthony Steven Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane Crane

We predict impsTALK will crash around the 67 minute mark. Just after Crane scores his third of the evening. 6-0 to us. And if not, why not?

E-mail us! E-mail us!
Remember to send your usual dribblings/pictures of Tony Crane to If you’re tuning in from Kent, we’ve turned off the spam filter and unchecked the swear censor, so give it your best shot you MUTHAFUNKER.

VW official site
VW forum

Caption competition!
To get you in the spirit of SLIGHTLY SUPER SATURDAY and to get the ball rolling with the ticket competition, impsTALK is offering one FREE entry into the draw with a hoary old caption competition. All you have to do is think of a suitably witty subtitle to accompany the below image of Sinister ex-Boston United chairman Jon Sotnick sharing a delightful little on-pitch moment with a certain Kent-based malcontent. They certainly seem to be enjoying each other’s company. Look at Sotnick’s grin! Look at it! He's loving it? What do you think they're talking about? Fine wines? Cigars? How rich they both are?

The lucky winner gets a free entry and the undying adulation of literally seven impsTALK readers. Entries to as normal.

7.20pm - E-mail time 'Looking forward to tonight's impsTALK commentary,' says Johnny Chapman. I'm not Johnny. I reckon the site's going to go all Stewart Talbot on us. 'I seem to have become the regular substitute for a mate's 6 a side team and so was playing during most of the Blyth and Barrow games. I'm playing again tonight (I think they ask me because I live close) but we start early and I should be back by the end of the first half. Maybe tonight I'll break my played four, lost four record for them.'

Don't too hard on yourself Johnny, you played a blinder at Wrexham. Unlike me. Have I ever told you about my toe and (snip! - ed).

'Unfortunately,' he continues, 'I won't be commenting further on my FOPP purchases as I'll be chortling along to Mark Radcliffe on Radio 2 (did I mention I once got a Pilgrims-related link on The Chain?). In between refreshing Impstalk, I'll be signing up for the Stamford Cyclo-Sportive 50km cycle ride and sussing which Belgian beer festivals me and mates could visit this September.'

I once got a Boston United link on Channel 5's late night baseball show, which probably wasn't that much of a feat since it was probably only me and the producer watching it. Toronto v Baltimore, 1998. Fame!

Anyway, Johnny's not finished and I've rather rudely interrupted.... 'I got as far as Liverpool when this game was originally supposed to be on - instead of spending the afternoon in a rain-lashed field somewhere near Ellesmere Port, I had a much more pleasant afternoon in the splendid Philharmonic pub in Liverpool. By the way, are you now following the mighty Crane's line that we're back in the play-offs? Presumably not.'

No I'm not... I can only imagine Tony had a rush of blood to the head when he said that. I have to disagree with him. An idea I find genuinely frightening.

7.25pm - Picture time
'You asked for pictures,' says Ben, aged 48. 'So on your head be it. Here is my picture of Tony Crane.'

The standard's certainly been set quite high tonight folks. Think you can beat it? Got a caption for the Sinister Sotnick pic below? You know what to do:

Aaaaaaaaaaaand the VW team, not that you give a shit -
Owens, Egerton, Williams, Hitchen, Murphy, Robinson, Griffiths, Holmes, Smith, Heler, Taylor
Subs: McGrail, Field, Reed, Roberts

Only four subs?

7.35pm - Heeeeeere's the Boston team
- Rayner, Matthews, Bloomer, Ellender, Crane. Gaughaghggahran, Nicholls, Ex-Busted star James Bourne, Nuttell, Leabon, Rowan. Subs: Foggatt, Stevenson, Weaver, Lil'Thommo, Ben Joyce.

7.40pm - The expected crowd tonight?
50. Fucking 50.

7.43pm -
The first entry in the caption Competition comes from James. 'Hope the toe's feeling better,' he says. 'At least you didn't miss a penalty today like dear Johnny did. Anyway, my entry:

John: I've made the CVA up and i've put your share down with the Lavaflow tab.

Mark: That's great. Are you Shods? quack.

Sorry, that's pitiful,

James in Wembley (dreaming of a trophy run)'

I didn't miss a penalty because I bottled taking one! The teams are out to someone applauding.

7.45pm - Kick-off!
We're underway in Ellesmere. 'Come on Vauxhall!' yells their fan.

5 mins -
Very little to report from the opening five minutes, although I'm pretty sure I heard VW's fan nip off and buy himself a Twix.

7 mins -
'Very windy' says Craig. Well, that makes a fucking change. Can anyone remember the last time a game in this godforsaken tinpot pub league WASN'T ruined by a gale?

10 mins -
VW's fan just scratched his head and yawned a bit.

12 mins - CHANCE!! For VW! Rayner is forced to deal with a one-on-one, something he's getting quite good at, after Heler snuck past the Boston back four. VW's fan was on the edge of his seat!

13 mins - CHANCE!! Now there's action at the other end as Leabon forces Owens into a save.

15 mins - Gaughaghggahran is wearing tights, reports Scott Dalton. What the HELL is this? Conference SOUTH? 'I bet their midfielder has a good engine,' quips Scotty. 'Or maybe not as they're Vauxhall.'

16 mins - 'Pete Brooksbank and the Impstalks. Is that a dodgy folk band just waiting to be formed?' asks James. It sounds pretty dreadful, doesn't it? 'Sounds a killer atmosphere in Ellesmere tonight. Are they all taking the advantage of Liverpool being away to rob the players' homes (allegedly)? James in Wembley, (not making stereotypes in anyway)'

17 mins - Corner for VW. Their fan is literally watching the game. Cleared by Nicholls, and Leabon breaks with pace but goes nowhere.

19 mins - A disappointingly nondescript start to the game. More to the point, it's threatening my 6-0 prediction. Boston' Number 1 Bon Jovi fan, 33, asks: 'If a tree fell down in Ellesmere and no supporters were there, would anyone give a shit? Deep, eh?'

21 mins - 'Did I REALLY drive hell for leather across Leeds to get home for THIS?' yells 'Bored from West Yorkshire'. '£15 and i'd had been at Elland Road tonight cheering on Eldinio.' Yes, but you'd have also been cheering on LEEDS. Which is BAD.

22 mins - Gaughaghggahran is down with a ladder in his tights. Katie Cooper (Katy? Katie?) runs on with spare lingerie.

25 mins - Lincoln are a goal up at Notts County. I drove past a few Imps fans trudging their way to Meadow Lane this evening. I drove through a puddle but the backsplash fell waaaay short. A bit like their 07/08 playoff credentials.

32 mins - Sky Broadband dies - but it sounds like we've missed bugger all. 'Nothing wrong with cheering on Leeds, well Leeds Rhinos or Carnegie I suppose,' says Adam. 'Must admit Forest played some cracking passing football the other night on Sky, still lost though eh? Marching on together.....' Southend are beating Forest 1-0 at the moment. Forest are tinpot and are facing the playoffs. Again.

35 mins - 'You missed, my shameless plug for the match sponsorship!' says Adam. 'Good old Scott doing us a favour, either that or Craig made him do it in case we don't pay!' I think he has good cause, Adam. We have creditors. Reckon he'd take 47p in the pound?

40 mins - Christ, this is dull.

42 mins - Ellender is booked. He 'stuck his leg out' apparently. Heinous! 'Sorry for looking elsewhere for entertainment,' says Adam, going straight in with the apology. 'But I love this line on the bbc text coverage of the Liverpool match, "straight to Dirk Kuyt but the Dutchman shoots instead of crossing. Should have done better." I think he should have that last comment on his shirt rather than his name.'

44 mins - We've suffered through some boring games together this season folks, but this has taken it to a whole new level. Even Adam Hildred's gone a little mental. 'WIND! WIND! WIND!' he exclaims. 'That's what the new Trent Bridge stand's roof is for - a WINDBREAKER. Finished now as well. By the way, it's 36 days until the county cricket season starts, and then only another 18 days until the first match at the TrentDome.'

45 mins - One minute of injury time. No, three. No, one. Hang on... no, three.

45+1 - The VW fan stands up to make his way to the snack bar.

Half-time - Peep! Peep! Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! That was, frankly, utter dogshit.

Half-time - 'Bored,' says George. 'That Aneroxic French tart - you know, her that looks like an extra from a George Romero film - is getting interviewed on Channel 4. By Christ she needs a pie. I blame Mick Taylor. That BASTARD!'

Half-time - 'That silence,' says Adam, 'was probably more entertaining than this fella crapping on about City.' I missed it. Bugger. You know I love a good technical failure.

Half-time - Captions?

Half-time - Adam's offering. But since he's 'one of us', he won't ge getting a bye into the ticket draw:

Jon - So what exactly were you doing outside my house that time?

Kent based billionaire - Sorry Jon, I only communicate via riddles and rhyme on internet message boards. Cluck.

Half-time - A new picture arrives of Tony Crane, from 'Cedric'....

Kick-off! And we're underway in the second half. This can't be any worse than the first. Surely.

48 mins - At least there have been some goals somewhere this evening 'Scoreflash! Banner Owls (sorry) beat some bunch of Man City fans 2-1,' reports a triumphant Johnny. 'As the last defender I would like to point our their goal was not my fault though after turning two of their players I did lose the ball to set up one of their attacks. I even had two shots, though I have to say one of them only happened because I too knackered to do anything else. No penalties awarded, so James will be pleased to know I didn't have the chance to miss another.'

50 mins - GREAT CHANCE! And it's ex-Busted star James Bourne who squirms past his marker and spanks in a good shot - and it pings off the post! He's never had a 'hit' before, what a chance to break into the 'charts' for the first time with his debut 'single'! I'm here all week.

53 mins - Froggatt is warming up. I think Boston need him on the pitch as soon as possible.

55 mins - Corner for Boston and Crane wins the header at the back post.... but someone hacks down a VW player elsewhere in the box and the referee hands a free kick to the home side, much to the delight of their fan.

57 mins - Paul Taylor - who last I heard was playing for Forest reserves - sprints forward and causes a slight panic and Ellender is forced to tidy things up.

58 mins - CHANCE! Green's corner is met by Ellender's head, the ball is cleared from the line, as is Nuttell's follow up attempt. A few United players protest that the ball crossed the line.

59 mins - CHANCE!! This is more like it! This time, EBSJB's shot is superbly palmed away by Owens for a corner....

61 mins - Torres scores for Liverpool to safely see them through to the next round.

63 mins - Nuttell's off, Froggatt's on.

64 mins - 'My mate Finn said it was the worst game of football he'd ever seen but great fun,' says Johnny of Saturday's win at Hucknall. And this Finn chap is a Wednesday fan too and remembers when Crane was 'stick thin'. 'He should be glad I didn't take him to tonight's Boston game...' The football has been pretty awful this season, there's no point trying to deny that.

67 mins - CHANCE! CHANCE! CHANCE! Boston's corner, several chances spurned and it's hacked away for another corner. The same thing happens and United get a free kick. VW are really under the cosh. Surely, surely it's only a matter of time now.... I'm going to regret saying that, aren't I?

70 mins - Another Crane picture thumps into the impsTALK inbox And this time it's Tracy showing off her effort, as Stevenson strips off ready for action. 'Nowhere near the class of previous efforts but here's my effort from a rival forum earlier in the week,' she says.

72 mins - Leabon makes way for Stevenson. Lil'Thommo's also set to come on as Taylor picks up the kitchen sink and aims it at the VW defence.

75 mins - Free kick for Boston
And it's Crane territory, but Nicholls strikes it..... wide.

76 mins - CHANCE!! Stevenson is one on one with Owens, but is forced wide. he smashes it across the face of goal but Rowan's effort is deflected for a corner. EBSJB takes it but the Pilgrims STILL can't convert their pressure into a goal.

79 mins - Belgian Beer Festivals 'From my brief surf it looks like we'll be having a weekend in either Val de Sambre or Brussels. Anybody been to either?' asks Johnny. 'And when did we last have a 0-0 draw?' I make it Wycombe away Johnny. And as for beer festivals, I've not been to one in Belgium. I did get lost in the dodgy bits of Antwerp once on the way to Roskilde though.

81 mins - CHANCE!!!! Tony Crane picks up the ball and 25 yards from goal unleashes a piledriver that's just inches wide. The boy's got a foot like a traction engine!

85 mins - GOAL!!!!!! I don't fucking believe it. Taylor breaks free down the left and his ball into the box isn't dealt with by Ellender. Heler takes advantage to put VW into the lead. Unbelievable.

87 mins - DISALLOWED GOAL! United have the ball in the back of the net, but a flag swiftly calms any excitement.

88 mins - Elding scores for Leeds, although his team trails 1-2.

89 mins - 'This has to be the lowest EVER point for Utd, losing to this fucking lot in front of a crowd FC would find embarrassing.....' snarls Andy Butler. Perhaps, Andy, perhaps. I think I'd be more upset if we were still playing for anything. It is a dire, dire result though.

90 mins - Jesus. Vauxhall Motors. Losing to this shower? Gah!

90+1 - PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEP! And that's that. Boston downed by quite literally the most tinpot team in the history of world football. Don't they know we're EX-FOOTBALL LEAGUE? Show some respect!

Full time - Mark Isaac's entry into the caption competition: 'Is Jon saying "another gullible fan, lovely!"

Full time - 'Christ, reading that I was half-expecting him to call for the return of Steve Evans as well!' says Adam. 'What a monumentally bad result.' To make matters worse, we're now back with Lincoln City coverage. Actually, that's not a bad thing.

Full time - Gah! Double GAH!

Full time - Well done to James, who wins the caption competition for not being Mark Isaac. Er, and for his effort - of course. Mark doesn't need free tickets anyway. He stopped coming to York Street around about the time United were relegated.

Full time - Manager interview - Ooooh, Taylor sounds fackin' mad, blaming Jon Stevenson for 'not doing his job'. 'That's why he's in this league, innit?' he says. 'That's it. I ain't playin' him no more, nah, he ain't playing for me no more. Sod that.'

'Fackin' cant!' he doesn't add, even though he is quite clearly itching to. Blimey!

Right, that's that for the night. In case you weren't already aware, that was the last minute-by-minute of the season. And good job too. I ain't doing this no more. Sod that. Thanks for all your e-mails, see you next season. If there is one.

Ta-ra - Pete.

© impsTALK 2008