all the action from Rivacre Park - LIVE(ish)
Oh God. OH GOD. We're just so fucking FUNNY. Do you see what we've done? Do you? Do you see how CLEVER we are? Because, right, Volkswagen isn't actually Vauxhall. Yes? Do you see now? God, we're just so goddamn HILARIOUS
in which impsTALK prods the twitching carcass of the Volvo/VW Motors
gag to see if we can resurrect it just long enough to keep us in business
After last week’s 65,000 word dissertation exploring the depressingly tinpot world of the woefully researched, poorly presented, half-baked, two-bit reality documentary, impsTALK’s pre-match preamble is a shining beacon of brevity this evening. Before we move on to offer a half-hearted preview of tonight’s actually quite meaningless game, despite what Mr Crane says, I would like to draw your attention to SLIGHTLY SUPER SATURDAY, which refers, of course, to impsTALK’s sponsorship of the matchball for the Boston v Blyth game on April 19th. Suddenly realising we actually have to pay for this fairly soon, impsTALK is now giving YOU the chance to BE THERE on SLIGHTLY SUPER SATURDAY – in PERSON so you can witness the game with your ACTUAL EYES! But that, my little online friend, is not all. Oh no. You could also meet an actual, real life member of the United squad, or even stand on the pitch to make a presentation. And not since the days of Steve Evans and his Special Clique has THAT been offered out to you on the terraces. Sadly, we cannot offer you a tie and a blazer…. But….
2nd prize – Exactly the same as above, but you don’t get the car parking space. Oh no. Big loss.
3rd prize – A complimentary photo of you wearing the famous aquamarine scarf. Dazzle your friends. Amaze your neighbours. Bore the pants off non-United fans.
More AMAZING prizes will be found in impsTALK’s cupboard or the back of the sofas at impsTALK HQ.
(Please note, prizes marked * have been added for comedic purposes only and serve only to maintain impsTALK’s global reputation as the world’s fifth funniest Boston United website. They are not genuine prizes and any attempt to procure Tommy Taylor’s mobile phone number will likely result in you being told to ‘fack off, sunshine’ before being dealt a swift knee knack in the goolies)
us! E-mail us!
The lucky winner gets a free entry and the undying adulation of literally seven impsTALK readers. Entries to editorial@impsTALK.co.uk as normal.
7.20pm - E-mail time 'Looking forward to tonight's impsTALK
commentary,' says Johnny Chapman. I'm not Johnny. I reckon the
site's going to go all Stewart Talbot on us. 'I seem to have become
the regular substitute for a mate's 6 a side team and so was playing
during most of the Blyth and Barrow games. I'm playing again tonight
(I think they ask me because I live close) but we start early and I
should be back by the end of the first half. Maybe tonight I'll break
my played four, lost four record for them.'
he continues, 'I won't be commenting further on my FOPP purchases
as I'll be chortling along to Mark Radcliffe on Radio 2 (did I mention
I once got a Pilgrims-related link on The Chain?). In between refreshing
Impstalk, I'll be signing up for the Stamford Cyclo-Sportive 50km cycle
ride and sussing which Belgian beer festivals me and mates could visit
not... I can only imagine Tony had a rush of blood to the head when
he said that. I have to disagree with him. An idea I find genuinely
12 mins - CHANCE!! For VW! Rayner is forced to deal with a one-on-one, something he's getting quite good at, after Heler snuck past the Boston back four. VW's fan was on the edge of his seat!
13 mins - CHANCE!! Now there's action at the other end as Leabon forces Owens into a save.
15 mins - Gaughaghggahran is wearing tights, reports Scott Dalton. What the HELL is this? Conference SOUTH? 'I bet their midfielder has a good engine,' quips Scotty. 'Or maybe not as they're Vauxhall.'
16 mins - 'Pete Brooksbank and the Impstalks. Is that a dodgy folk band just waiting to be formed?' asks James. It sounds pretty dreadful, doesn't it? 'Sounds a killer atmosphere in Ellesmere tonight. Are they all taking the advantage of Liverpool being away to rob the players' homes (allegedly)? James in Wembley, (not making stereotypes in anyway)'
17 mins - Corner for VW. Their fan is literally watching the game. Cleared by Nicholls, and Leabon breaks with pace but goes nowhere.
19 mins - A disappointingly nondescript start to the game. More to the point, it's threatening my 6-0 prediction. Boston' Number 1 Bon Jovi fan, 33, asks: 'If a tree fell down in Ellesmere and no supporters were there, would anyone give a shit? Deep, eh?'
21 mins - 'Did I REALLY drive hell for leather across Leeds to get home for THIS?' yells 'Bored from West Yorkshire'. '£15 and i'd had been at Elland Road tonight cheering on Eldinio.' Yes, but you'd have also been cheering on LEEDS. Which is BAD.
22 mins - Gaughaghggahran is down with a ladder in his tights. Katie Cooper (Katy? Katie?) runs on with spare lingerie.
25 mins - Lincoln are a goal up at Notts County. I drove past a few Imps fans trudging their way to Meadow Lane this evening. I drove through a puddle but the backsplash fell waaaay short. A bit like their 07/08 playoff credentials.
32 mins - Sky Broadband dies - but it sounds like we've missed bugger all. 'Nothing wrong with cheering on Leeds, well Leeds Rhinos or Carnegie I suppose,' says Adam. 'Must admit Forest played some cracking passing football the other night on Sky, still lost though eh? Marching on together.....' Southend are beating Forest 1-0 at the moment. Forest are tinpot and are facing the playoffs. Again.
35 mins - 'You missed, my shameless plug for the match sponsorship!' says Adam. 'Good old Scott doing us a favour, either that or Craig made him do it in case we don't pay!' I think he has good cause, Adam. We have creditors. Reckon he'd take 47p in the pound?
40 mins - Christ, this is dull.
42 mins - Ellender is booked. He 'stuck his leg out' apparently. Heinous! 'Sorry for looking elsewhere for entertainment,' says Adam, going straight in with the apology. 'But I love this line on the bbc text coverage of the Liverpool match, "straight to Dirk Kuyt but the Dutchman shoots instead of crossing. Should have done better." I think he should have that last comment on his shirt rather than his name.'
44 mins - We've suffered through some boring games together this season folks, but this has taken it to a whole new level. Even Adam Hildred's gone a little mental. 'WIND! WIND! WIND!' he exclaims. 'That's what the new Trent Bridge stand's roof is for - a WINDBREAKER. Finished now as well. By the way, it's 36 days until the county cricket season starts, and then only another 18 days until the first match at the TrentDome.'
45 mins - One minute of injury time. No, three. No, one. Hang on... no, three.
45+1 - The VW fan stands up to make his way to the snack bar.
Half-time - Peep! Peep! Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! That was, frankly, utter dogshit.
Half-time - 'Bored,' says George. 'That Aneroxic French tart - you know, her that looks like an extra from a George Romero film - is getting interviewed on Channel 4. By Christ she needs a pie. I blame Mick Taylor. That BASTARD!'
Half-time - 'That silence,' says Adam, 'was probably more entertaining than this fella crapping on about City.' I missed it. Bugger. You know I love a good technical failure.
Half-time - Adam's offering. But since he's 'one of us', he won't ge getting a bye into the ticket draw:
Jon - So what exactly were you doing outside my house that time?
Kent based billionaire - Sorry Jon, I only communicate via riddles and rhyme on internet message boards. Cluck.
- A new picture arrives of Tony Crane, from 'Cedric'....
Kick-off! And we're underway in the second half. This can't be any worse than the first. Surely.
48 mins - At least there have been some goals somewhere this evening 'Scoreflash! Banner Owls (sorry) beat some bunch of Man City fans 2-1,' reports a triumphant Johnny. 'As the last defender I would like to point our their goal was not my fault though after turning two of their players I did lose the ball to set up one of their attacks. I even had two shots, though I have to say one of them only happened because I too knackered to do anything else. No penalties awarded, so James will be pleased to know I didn't have the chance to miss another.'
50 mins - GREAT CHANCE! And it's ex-Busted star James Bourne who squirms past his marker and spanks in a good shot - and it pings off the post! He's never had a 'hit' before, what a chance to break into the 'charts' for the first time with his debut 'single'! I'm here all week.
53 mins - Froggatt is warming up. I think Boston need him on the pitch as soon as possible.
55 mins - Corner for Boston and Crane wins the header at the back post.... but someone hacks down a VW player elsewhere in the box and the referee hands a free kick to the home side, much to the delight of their fan.
57 mins - Paul Taylor - who last I heard was playing for Forest reserves - sprints forward and causes a slight panic and Ellender is forced to tidy things up.
58 mins - CHANCE! Green's corner is met by Ellender's head, the ball is cleared from the line, as is Nuttell's follow up attempt. A few United players protest that the ball crossed the line.
59 mins - CHANCE!! This is more like it! This time, EBSJB's shot is superbly palmed away by Owens for a corner....
61 mins - Torres scores for Liverpool to safely see them through to the next round.
63 mins - Nuttell's off, Froggatt's on.
64 mins - 'My mate Finn said it was the worst game of football he'd ever seen but great fun,' says Johnny of Saturday's win at Hucknall. And this Finn chap is a Wednesday fan too and remembers when Crane was 'stick thin'. 'He should be glad I didn't take him to tonight's Boston game...' The football has been pretty awful this season, there's no point trying to deny that.
67 mins - CHANCE! CHANCE! CHANCE! Boston's corner, several chances spurned and it's hacked away for another corner. The same thing happens and United get a free kick. VW are really under the cosh. Surely, surely it's only a matter of time now.... I'm going to regret saying that, aren't I?
mins - Another Crane picture thumps into the impsTALK inbox
And this time it's Tracy showing off her effort, as Stevenson strips
off ready for action. 'Nowhere near the class of previous efforts
but here's my effort from a rival forum earlier in the week,' she
mins - Leabon makes way for Stevenson. Lil'Thommo's also set
to come on as Taylor picks up the kitchen sink and aims it at the VW
76 mins - CHANCE!! Stevenson is one on one with Owens, but is forced wide. he smashes it across the face of goal but Rowan's effort is deflected for a corner. EBSJB takes it but the Pilgrims STILL can't convert their pressure into a goal.
79 mins - Belgian Beer Festivals 'From my brief surf it looks like we'll be having a weekend in either Val de Sambre or Brussels. Anybody been to either?' asks Johnny. 'And when did we last have a 0-0 draw?' I make it Wycombe away Johnny. And as for beer festivals, I've not been to one in Belgium. I did get lost in the dodgy bits of Antwerp once on the way to Roskilde though.
81 mins - CHANCE!!!! Tony Crane picks up the ball and 25 yards from goal unleashes a piledriver that's just inches wide. The boy's got a foot like a traction engine!
85 mins - GOAL!!!!!! I don't fucking believe it. Taylor breaks free down the left and his ball into the box isn't dealt with by Ellender. Heler takes advantage to put VW into the lead. Unbelievable.
87 mins - DISALLOWED GOAL! United have the ball in the back of the net, but a flag swiftly calms any excitement.
88 mins - Elding scores for Leeds, although his team trails 1-2.
89 mins - 'This has to be the lowest EVER point for Utd, losing to this fucking lot in front of a crowd FC would find embarrassing.....' snarls Andy Butler. Perhaps, Andy, perhaps. I think I'd be more upset if we were still playing for anything. It is a dire, dire result though.
90 mins - Jesus. Vauxhall Motors. Losing to this shower? Gah!
90+1 - PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEP! And that's that. Boston downed by quite literally the most tinpot team in the history of world football. Don't they know we're EX-FOOTBALL LEAGUE? Show some respect!
Full time - Mark Isaac's entry into the caption competition: 'Is Jon saying "another gullible fan, lovely!"
Full time - 'Christ, reading that I was half-expecting him to call for the return of Steve Evans as well!' says Adam. 'What a monumentally bad result.' To make matters worse, we're now back with Lincoln City coverage. Actually, that's not a bad thing.
Full time - Gah! Double GAH!
Full time - Well done to James, who wins the caption competition for not being Mark Isaac. Er, and for his effort - of course. Mark doesn't need free tickets anyway. He stopped coming to York Street around about the time United were relegated.
time - Manager interview - Ooooh, Taylor sounds fackin'
mad, blaming Jon Stevenson for 'not doing his job'. 'That's why
he's in this league, innit?' he says. 'That's it. I ain't playin'
him no more, nah, he ain't playing for me no more. Sod that.'
that's that for the night. In case you weren't already aware, that was
the last minute-by-minute of the season. And good job too. I ain't doing
this no more. Sod that. Thanks for all your e-mails, see you next season.
If there is one.
© impsTALK 2008