thoughts - And to think I willingly handed over my bank details to Setanta
for that - Ugh. I hate defeats like that. You know
the type, when one team is just better, stronger and more skillful than
your own lot, who fold with barely a whimper. Games where you can't
even claim a dodgy ref or freak wind storm cost you the game. I hate
it. Still, in the grand scheme of things, I suppose this must be judged
in context of The Big Recovery™, which only has another four years
to run - and that's best case scenario (barring Lottery wins). Shudder.
impsTALK.co.uk man of the match: You don't need to ask. Disappointment
of the game was Ash. He simply didn't show up, but hopefully the competition
from Notman is going to push him to bigger and better things. So, onwards
to Leigh - and fingers crossed for a more lively performance.
Remember impsTALK.co.uk returns this Friday with a few new bits after
eight weeks off air - and look out for a new fanzine at a game soon.
Thanks for your e-mails as usual. Ta - Pete
One final picture - 'Bored? Nah!' says Upsall....
Peep peep peeeeep!!! Full time - Kettering 2, Boston 0. A stroll
in the park for Kettering in every way. Boston were far from the shambolic
excuse we saw away from home last season, but were worryingly short
of ideas for the majority of the game. Well, actually, the whole of
the game. It's Workington all over again, albeit against a far better
90 mins - 'Someone chuck a white towel on the pitch, for
gawds' sake,' says Albert Cucumber. Three minutes of added time.
Not long left. Thank God.
87 mins - CHANCE!! Steve Burton's free header sails over the
bar. Should have been three. "Nice little gimmicky thing to
be back on the telly (well sort of) but lets face it who give a stuff
about the Setanta Shield/Cup/Trophy/Vase/thingy anyway? The only thing
I'm bothered about tonight is not picking up any injuries and saving
ourselves from a confidence battering beating!" says Adam,
clearly trying to put a brave face on things.
85 mins - 'I am so bored I think I am going to crack open
my DVD of that brilliant comic from Dagenham, who is so brilliant I
can't even remember his name,' moans Socalledutdfan. 'I am
almost bored enough to actually ask for more Upsall pictures too, which
is more than a bit worrying.' That comic, which I don't for a second
believe you have forgotten, was called Gary Kemsley.
80 mins - CHANCE!!! John Brady smashes a glorious effort off
the underside of the bar with Crockett flailing. Boston are, sadly,
being well beaten here.
77 mins - 'Is Setanta worth the £5 then?' asks
Upsall. 'Is the coverage any good or just crap but they try hard?'
Actually, for all their crappy gimmicks, I've got few complaints. Not
bad and cheap as chips.
76 mins - GOAL!!! Kettering 2, Boston 0. After some trickery
in the box by Kettering, Steve Burton sweeps a close range effort past
Crockett. And that will secure their passage through to the next round,
barring another Nuneaton-like comeback. Unlikely, to say the least.
74 mins - With the Setanta commentators wibbling on about 'tired
legs' Tommy Taylor, when asked about if his players are tired, says,
simply: 'Naaaaaaaah. Should be out playin' every day of the week, shunwi?'
Charmingly, Parker pretends that's what he thought all along too.
73 mins - Boston subs Lee Beeson on for Matthews while Nicholls
makes way for Medine. Nicholls has been especially disappointing tonight,
and Tommy Taylor has some justification for playing him off the bench
in the previous three games. Who on earth is Lee Beeson?
69 mins - 'At least none of our players are wearing gloves
like a big girly girl. Bitter? Me?' scoffs, er, Alexander Potplant
from Swineshead. Kenny adds: 'Never in a million years is that Aquamrine.
Upsal - you're a filthy traitor and a charlatan, and a traitor and a...
stop it. That's "Calming Flush Blue". Never is that Aquamarine!'
68 mins - 'Cheering myself up with a brew,' sighs
a sad Upsall...
67 mins - Kettering sub: Rawle off, Steve Burton on. Boston
sub: Leabon on for Stevenson.
64 mins - Better from Boston. They force a corner and for the
first time this evening Kettering are looking ever-so-slightly fragile.
The ball is pumped in looking for The Crane but the Poppes defend well
61 mins - Rowan pumps a promising ball forward for Stevenson,
but he's shrugged off the ball easily. Boston really, REALLY don't look
like scoring (NOTE TO SOD'S LAW: HINT FUGGIN' HINT).
54 mins - 'With a first half like that, only one
thing can save us,' says Adam 'Aquamarine' Upsall....
Now we're a goal down, I dread to think of the images that
might potentially flood it. Just don't go all WaldsCam on us, eh Upsall?
Especially not with the scarf. That's ending up in the football museum
in Preston one day. You need to take good care of it.
51 mins - Where was The Crane for that, then eh? Disappointing
to concede from a set piece under those circumstances, and a soft goal
to concede considering the pressure Boston have withheld so far.
51 mins - GOAL!!!! Kettering 1, Boston 0. Luke Graham wins
a header from a Kettering corner and plonks a header past Crockett.
It's no more than Kettering deserve, to be completely honest. Arse.
46 mins - Perhaps not. Kettering come out guns blazing once
again, and Tony Crane collects a drilled shot right where it hurts.
Down like a sack of spuds.
45 mins - And off we go! Can Boston get a grip on this one?
Half time ramble - Magic TV replay moment, and wow - what a
save by Crockett in the first ten seconds. Think Jens Lehmann when he's
not wearing underpants on his head.
45 mins - Peep! Peeeeeeep! Half time - Kettering 0,
Boston 0. Kettering have been better than Boston, but then,
one or two moments excepted, they haven't looked like overwhelming Boston,
who are struggling just as they did at Nuneaton and Workington, i.e
Crane is holding it together at the back, but the midfield looks a bit
lifeless - this despite Notman looking pretty decent for a bloke with
42 mins - Shitanta Gimmick #4 - Call Kettering 'Stevenage'.
Ooh, yes! I like it!
40 mins - Jon Stevenson is, sadly, looking a rather forlorn
figure up front.
37 mins - 'Hi,' says Pulcy. 'In reply to your
question "are Workington still in it?", I'm sure that all
Pilgrims fans will be fascinated to know that the answer is "yes,
most definitely they are", and they haven't kicked a ball (or an
opposition player) yet! They were given a bye in the First Round, and
will play the winners of Northern Section Match C at Borough Park in
the Second Round .... in other words they've a derby game against the
Barrow Boys who qualified through a sensational 4-0 victory over Leigh
RMI in Round 1. The Workington v Barrow game is due to take place in
the week commencing 12th November - FA Cup replays, Cumbrian weather,
absence of clashes with sheepdog trials, etc., etc. all permitting.
Bet you can hardly wait.'
36 mins - Magnificent defensive header by Tony Crane from a
Kettering corner saves what was looking a certain goal. He is, again,
by far and away Boston's man of the match so far. Easily.
33 mins - 'No, no, no.... do *NOT* interview the fans.
Especially the Boston fans. It's embarrassing. Santana TV's 1980's Youth
TV-style technique of being "zany" and interviewing those
on the terraces makes my toes curl. Stop that. You're not Ben Elton.
Nor are you Rik Mayall' - Brian Hatstand, Butterwick.
32 mins - A fabulous, Beckham-esque cross from Tony Crane finds
Rowan, who can do little with it. And some people have the audacity
to call him useless! Crane, I mean.
30 mins - "I bet that caused a storm in Boston,"
parps Paul Parker, with a faint hint of sarcasm in his voice, as Rowan's
'controversial' cross-town transfer is brought up. Boston corner.
27 mins - 'Can.... Mark Cooper..... not concentrate on......more
than one thing....at....the same time? Every time.....he is "on"
his fat afro mic.....he..... stops to watch..... the game....it makes
him look as though..... he cannot do ...... two things at the same.....
time' - David Wardrobe, Frieston.
25mins - Shitanta Gimmick #3 - "Who needs the Drogba,
we've got the Frogba!" sing some frankly odd Boston fans for the
benefit of the Setanta cameras and obligatory blonde reporter who has
ventured over to the away stand. I can't see that feature working as
well during, oooh, I dunno, Boston v Barrow.
20 mins - "WRONG!!" booms Adam Upsall as
Gary Mills sees a wonderful effort palmed away by Crockett. "Sort
it out Brooksbank, 'Follow all the action from Rockingham Road' - that
will be the A-Line Arena thank you very much.
and I'm now being made to do the ironing seen as I'm not recording the
podcast, we had better win tonight!" Yes folks, impsCAST
will be back this week when the main site finally returns with a, er,
a slight bang on Friday.
19 mins - Ashley Nicholls anyone? Anyone seen Ashley Nicholls?
17 mins - Mark Cooper's revolutionary 'headset' is actually
a cheap pair of earphones and a fecking massive Setanta microphone.
14 mins - The game has settled down a bit, but Boston are still
struggling to find the same kind of tempo as the home side, who are,
to coin a terrible football cliche, asking all the questions.
Setanta get Tommy Taylor's thoughts: 'We need to get Notman on the ball'.
12 mins - Little doubt as to who has started the brighter.
And it's not Boston.
7 mins - Free kick to Kettering - but it takes a deflection
for a goal kick, despite the Poppies' protestations. "Can someone
give **hrrrahh* Paul Parker **hrmmmmhh* and cough sweet *hhrrahh* or
something. Or at least *Hrrahhmmhmm* tell him that clearing his throat
**HHRHHAAMA** into the mic doesn't sound good? **HHRRMM**"
toots Kenny O'Ken From Kilkenny.
5 mins - And Setanta are straight down to Kettering boss Mark
Cooper. 'Yeah, uh, we're playing alright,' he drones. The ball is zipping
around but apart from that near miss in the opening moments not a huge
amount has happened. The home side are, it must be said, a different
class to Workington. Which doesn't bode well.
Kick-off - And Kettering force a corner within ten seconds!
They immediately attack and an early shot is palmed clear. The corner
is cleared to safety. Oo-er, slight let off there. Let's hope they don't
keep that up all night.
7.45pm - Shitanta Gimmick #2 - interviewing the captains at
the centre spot.... it's a broadcasting revolution.
The teams - Kettering:
Harper, Eaden, Kemp, Dempster, Graham, Brady, Mills, Solkham,
Hall, Rawle, Westcarr
Boston: Crockett, Bloomer, Smith, Crane, Matthews, Rowan, Notman,
Nicholls, Green, Froggatt, Stevenson
7.41pm - Crippled new signing Alex 'No Knees' Notman is being
interviewed and is being reminded by the somewhat callous presenter
of just where he was ten years ago: Old Trafford. Rub it in, rub it
in, why dont you? Notman's just gritting his teeth.
7.40pm - Shitanta Gimmick #1: The Kettering manager is wearing
a headset tonight so he can talk to Paul Parker during the game. And
if there is a penalty shoot out, watch for the cameraman standing INSIDE
the penalty area. Next they'll be putting the cameraman in goal to give
the 36 viewers across the nation a unique 'You are the goalie' viewpoint.
Preamble - Yes! It's the Setanta Shield! The cup competition
we've all been waiting for. I mean, the FA Cup is one thing, but has
it got the drama, the glamour or the tension of this most prestigious
of knockout competitions? Actually, don't answer that. And you can bet
your arse that if poor old Tommy Taylor wasn't contractually obligated
to send out his first team then even demented goat cannibal (©
Neil 'Bigot' Syston) Rob Wesley might get a start.
There has to be a winner tonight, thank God, and it will probably be
Kettering - and if our recent predictions are anything to go by then
that, of course, means we've got a glamour tie at Workington to look
forward to. Mind you, are Workington still in this? I've got no fuggin
idea. If you know, e-mails to the usual address.
That lot - Kettering are full time. That's the only
key fact you've got to know. And that's got nothing to do with the fact
I've only started writing this ten minutes before kickoff. Shit - make
that five minutes. That paprika rice took longer to cook than I thought.