that's yer lot! Cheers for your e-mails and pictures. Special
thanks to roving impsTALK hound Adam Upsall for insight and images from
Wetherby Road. The next min-by-min MIGHT, MIGHT be Telford on Saturday.
It depends on (a) if I can get back from London in time and (b) if I
stop off in Telford on the way back from London or not. Cheers! Pete
Reflections - Harrogate could have had nine or ten, to paraphrase
a certain convicted criminal. Boston's defending was unexpectedly poor,
but there's no denying the quality of Harrogate's attacking play. The
fact that they had pace will certainly worry Tommy Taylor, who can hardly
rely on Ellender and Crane to counter the threat.
Peep peeep peeeeeeep!! Full time!! Harrogate 3, Boston 2. And
what an entertaining 90 minutes that was. In marked contrast to the
thoroughly miserable away games as a League club, this was cracking
end to end stuff. Well, mostly Boston's end, to be fair. But wonderful
stuff, despite the result.
90 + whatever - a sudden deluge of e-mails into impsTALK HQ
from fans desperate to distance themselves from the scandalous remarks
sent to Scott threaten to overwhelm my inbox.
90+1 - Tense finish! Ellender is penalised for a foul and the
ball is back with the home side. The crowd cheers with relief.
88 mins - 'I thought impsTALK would steal the show this
evening but I was wrong,' says some shitpuppet e-mailing BBC Lincolnshire.
What? Go on: own up. Own up. Who the hell was that?
87 mins - Corner for Boston! Come on Crane.... he gets his
head to the ball but can't direct the ball on target.
85 mins - GOAL!!!!! I LOVE being proved emphatically
wrong!! Dwayne Clarke scores for Boston! Five minutes to go! Harrogate
3, Boston 2.
84 mins - Well, I really do fear for Saturday. Telford are
the league's giants and, backed by a much larger crowd than that at
Wetherby Road, will probably pose an even tougher test than Harrogate.
80 mins - Boston on the break and Dean Nicholson, with a wonderful
chance to score, spanks the ball way over the bar while trying some
kind of spectacular chip.
79 mins - Time running out now for Boston... Dalton is ploughing
through the e-mails on BBC Radio Lincolnshire, whose online commentary
has been first class.
75 mins - Tips fixes his delay: 'Just noticed someone (probably
me, in fact it's almost a certainty) had clicked on the slider on the
real player and it was playing 2minutes late - DOH!' Hey Tips,
with technical skills like that you could get a job with the BBC!
75 mins - Harrogate score! But the offside flag is raised.
And the first red card of the evening goes to...... drum roll........
no it's not Tony Crane. Danny Holland, scorer of the first goal, is
dismissed for probably telling the linesman he's a....er.... well, y'know.
He trots off to applause from the home fans.
74 mins - Kirk Jackson again has a wonderful chance to score,
but Chris Wright is at hand to save United. Boston have been slaughtered,
frankly. A real eye opener this. Medine set to come on.
72 mins - 'In case anyone is still bearing Steve Evans
ill will...... Exeter 2-0 Crawley Town: B Thomas (og 57),' chuckles
Tips. 'And while we're at it: Doncaster 3-0 Lincoln City: P Heffernan
(59)... a follow up to their 0-4 hammering on saturday!'
71 mins - Pat Everitt offers us some much needed 'adult' material
68 mins - TONY CRANE HITS THE BAR!!!!! What!?! Did he knock
his HEAD on the bar??
67 mins - GOAL! That's it for Boston methinks! A defensive
howler lets Harrogate extend their lead with something of a scrambled
goal. Ellender missed it and the ball was prodded in off the bar by
Dave Merris. Harrogate 3, Boston 1.
65 mins - 'They've been a nice footballing side,' purs Dalton
as Harrogate continue to tear into Boston, with Nathan James having
60 mins - Kirk Jackson fluffs a chance to bury Boston!
57 mins - 'You want tonkings?' says Tips. 'Try
- Norwich 5-0 Barnet HT'
55 mins - 'We are REALLY under the cosh here,' warns
Adam Upsall, impsTALK's hack at Wetherby Road tonight. Boston sub -
Nicholson for Matthews. Dwayne Clarke is on too.
54 mins - 'My bird took all her clothes off when Boston
scored and said: what turns you on more, my pretty face or my Paris
Hilton body?" I looked her up and down and replied: " Your
f*ckin sense of humour!" Mark Isaac attempts to steal Gary
Kemsley's crown as premier southern based club comic.
53 mins - Speaking of tonkings, Spurs 1, Everton 3 anyone?
50 mins - Boston are in danger of getting a right tonking here.
47 mins - GOAL!!!! Harrogate score with a corking strike from
nothing, courtesy of Nathan Peat. A great strike and there was absolutely
no way Arsenal legend Chris Wright was going to get to that. Harrogate
2, Boston 1.
45 minutes - The second half kicks off.
Halftime #4 - Mark Isaac sends an e-mail packed full of hilarious
horse 'jokes'. Leave it to the experts Mark. We know where the line
Halftime #3 - 'Any chance we can have something better
to look at, rather than the Bardo picture,' complains Lee Overton.
'Can I recommend a nice Paris Hilton picture?' To be perfectly
honest, Lee, even if Paris Hilton DIDN'T look like an irradiated meerkat,
we wouldn't post a picture of her. She is, after all, a 'sickening drink
driver' (© Sun hack Neil Syson).
#2 - Tips e-mails: 'Tell Dave Wardrobe - that picture of
the tennis girl scratching her arse is iconic 70's memorabilia, wonder
woman could lasso me anytime she wanted to and Steve Austin was well
And yes, SCUF hang your head in shame, Bucks Fizz were Kitsch, all other
GB eurovision entries have been crud.'
Halftime #1 - Dalton is suddenly and unexpectedly drowned out
by Parkin droning on about Lincoln City.... what did we tell you about
BBC Lincs and their technical guys?
Peep peep peeeeep! The half time whistle goes and 1-1 is about
45+1 - Crane wins a penalty! He dived! He's a genius! And Froggatt.....
misses!!!! Justice done, the BBC reckon. And they're probably right.
44 mins - 'No idea why,' sobs SCUF, 'because this
is basically social suicide..... but there feels a need to admit that
"some of us" actually bought that bloody One Step Further
by Bardo single. What's even worse, "they" actually liked
it. <<"someone" hangs head firmly in embarrassment and
41 mins - 'Tips,' roars, er, David Wardrobe, from
Friskney, 'has no right to complain about Bardo. He still has posters
of Wonder Woman, Steve Austin and the woman scratching her arse on his
kitchen wall. Tell him to stop that.'
40 mins - Worrying times for Boston The pressure is ALL Harrogate
and the Pilgrims can count themselves slightly fortunate not to be behind.
38 mins - Another chance for Kirk Jackson, and his shot is
flashed across the face of the goal. 'Crane caught ballwatching,'
scolds young Craig Singleton. Pfffst!!! Careful Craig! Don't let
Tony hear you say that...
37 mins - Farmer Dan is a Town Ender, impsTALK can exclusively report
35 mins - Jackson hits the post! But he was offside.... Harrogate's
corner comes to nothing but Boston's early promise has faded.
31 mins - 'Good to see the min by min reports
back,' says the Gestapo. 'Much better than Radio Lincs as you
don't sound like daleks who have just been sacked' Slightly unfair,
methinks, since you've not heard my nasal whine. Yet.
28 mins - GOAL! Danny Holland, who timed his run well to break
through the United back line, equalises for the home side, lifting the
ball over Chris Wright as he rushes out. Harrogate 1, Boston
26 mins - 'Eh?' puzzles Tips, scratching his head.
'How the fudge did impstalk report the goal AT LEAST ONE MINUTE
before i heard in over the radio lincolnshire live net feed?' Two
words Tipsy me owld mucker. Flux
22 mins - It took 20 minutes for Boston to score. And for me
to notice that I'd not changed the team name at the stop from Wycombe
to Harrogate. Jesus.
20 mins - GOAL! Galbraith scores! His long range effort pings
of the post and JUST creeps over the line. Ex-busted star James Bourne
started the move with a neat tackle and the move culminates with a fine
goal! Harrogate 0, Boston 1.
18 mins - The 'E' word is banned at York Street, Dalton reveals.
'Has anyone noticed,' notices Tom Wheelbarrow from Swineshead,
'how the frenzied and chaotic Dalton is balanced perfectly with
the calm, methodical and almost sedate Chalker? Are they testing developing
drugs as a little side earner?'
16 mins - 'Oi!' yells an indignant Tips. 'It may
be a figure of fun, but some of us are old enough to have lived through
the embarrassment that was "bardo". Have some taste!'
14 mins - Harrogate have a corner......and waste it.
13 mins - Kenny from Kilkenny writes: 'Confirmation on
a rumour needed: The severed limbs caused by Tony Cranes challenges
on attacking forwards are being sold to shady South American human organ/parts
dealers in order to finance BUFC's debt.'
12 mins - Our first image of the evening, from Wetherby Road!
9 mins - Danny Holland misses a great chance after a great
run from James - fine save from ex-Arsenal legend Chris Wright. And,
guess what, Crane is booked!! Maybe it's for that two-footed
death lunge on Saturday?
8 mins - 'Dealt with by Crane' - a phrase we're going to hear
a lot of in the coming weeks.
7 mins - Moment of excitement as Lee Thompson is..... caught
6 mins - email@example.com if you want to let Scott
Dalton where you're listening from. If you want to send any 'adult'
material, however, firstname.lastname@example.org is yer best bet. No nude
pictures please, Mick 'The Bastard' Taylor. I know what you're like.
5 mins - 'Controversial' - or 'twisted' (© Sun hack Neil
Syson, 2001 ‘Bigot
of the Year’ nominee) - fullback Robert Wesley is on the bench.
Kick-off! - 'Quite a few' Boston fans have made the trip, and
are treated to an early long distance effort from Froggatt.
7.45pm - There is always a nervous moment whenever BBC Radio
Lincolnshire attempt to split their feeds, because you're never quite
convinced they're going to get it right.
Na na naaaah, na na naaaah, na na na na na na na na na naaah! ‘Ey
up? What are you doing here? You’ve caught us in the middle of
humming the new Tony Crane song we’ve written. It’s to the
tune of McCartney’s frog
chorus song: ‘To-ny Crane/To-ny Crane/He’s got the look
of a man insane/Watch your legs/And your head/He’s just got a
Hey, just pop the Ivor Novello in the post. Primitive ditties that could
have been written by mentally retarded thistles are all the rage these
days… I mean, check out the rise of The Pigeon Detectives. But
we digress, again. Footy’s back - and so are we! Yes, it’s
impsTALK’s first minute by minute commentary of the season, live
and direct(ish) from Boston’s first away day trip to sunny ‘Arrogat
in the Blue Square Chip Premier Conference Square League!
My, how things have changed. Just over twelve months ago we were all
still reeling from that number Straight
Peter Bore did on us at Blundell Park, whereas now we’re all
basking in the warm afterglow of a home win against Workington. And
in front of nearly two thousand fans too. What a difference a year,
not to mention a collapsed ground move, an embarrassing court case,
a ten point deduction, a very public relegation, contentious boardroom
manipulation of FA rules, a demotion, a controversial CVA, near liquidation,
welcome loss of Wee Krankie Swagbag and employment of a demented horse
cannibal (© Sun hack Neil Syson, 2001 ‘Bigot
of the Year’ nominee) makes.
It’s almost like a new club! Not since ex-Boston manager Paul
Gascoigne (© Neil Syson, The Sun) assembled arguably the most talented
(and ill-advisedly expensive) squad in Boston history in 2004 have we
been so excited, and our levels of hysteria reached new heights after
Saturday’s three point haul. Mind you, impressive though it was,
United’s opening day victory against Workington hasn’t really
answered all of the questions we have about the Pilgrims’ prospects
will ex-Busted star James Bourne fare against midfielders built like
bouncers? Can Lee Thompson really cut it when he spends so much time
doling out detentions and drafting lesson plans to keep OFSTED happy?
Is Dwayne Clarke as good as he clearly thinks he is? In a race between
our centre backs and a stationary brick, by what margin would the brick
win? And when WILL Tony Crane just totally lose it and deck someone?
(any more jibes about him being beaten for pace by a brick and you’ll
probably get an answer to that sooner than you think – ed)
we do know is that we’re in an insane, goal-crazy division, as
evidenced by yesterday’s stonker
between Hyde and Vauxhall Motors, and that those who keep their
heads while all arou- blah. You know where we’re going with that.
We may be firm fans of ‘Nails’ Crane, but Ashley Nicholls
is clearly key to United’s success this season.
At this point we would say some nice things about Harrogate - but we
don't have time. It's a nice town. And that's yer lot.
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