all the action from the WORLD CLASS facilities of an athletics stadium
somewhere up north near Newcastle - LIVE(ish)
Saturday 24 November
- Not Quite the FA Cup Trophy
Kick off 3.00pm
Athletics Club 2
Cave 13, Bowey 65
Gateshead: Keen, Baxter, Jones, Flynn, Cave, Southern, Bowey,
McClen, Phillips, Armstrong, Harwood
Subs: Talbot, Robson, Thompson, Aitken, Atkin
Boston: Crockett, Smith?, Bloomer, Ellender, Matthews,
Medine, Sleath, Nicholls, Froggatt, Stevenson, Leabon.
Subs: Lil'Thompson, Ex-Busted Star James Bourne, O'Redcardohan,
Demented Goat Cannibal (© Neil Syson, The Sun), Keef's lad.
Jesus! All I typed into Google was 'horrific injuries caused by loitering
around dodgy athletics stadiums'
that'll do for another day. Thanks for all your e-mails and all that.
Let's hope for a better show next Saturday against Southport. I'm now
off to watch Derby get absolutely destroyed by Chelsea on Setanta, which
I have a subscription to because of that Boston-Kettering game. See? See
how football destroys lives? Pete
Pretty much sums it up BBC Lincs are a little slow cutting back
to Sincil Bank, and Chris Cook, assuming he's off air, sighs heavily and
with the air of a man thoroughly fed up. 'Oh dear,' he mumbles.
Yup. Oh dear indeed.
Peep, peeep, peeeep!!! FULL TIME Gateshead 2, Boston 1 So that's
Boston's interest in every single cup competition over. Is it the end
of their season? Probably. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Like I said:
football is shit. And it owes me even more now. Are there any other winter
sports I can follow instead of this shower?
90 mins - Fecking miserable. We're out, ain't we? 'Well.
At least there's a porn shop near Cash Converters. That'll give me summats
to do until the cricket starts,' says Bob. Each to their own, I suppose.
89 mins - 'I think he [Crane] is taking the, er,
the pee,' rages a clearly hacked off Chris Cook, watching his words,
when someone suggests Crane should return. He's right, of course, when
he says no one player should dictate what time he shows up for training
and for games. But we're also fecking crap at defending. I love a good
87 mins - At least we're not Brentford, who are 7-0 down at Posh.
86 mins - 'Elle having a shocker AGAIN by the sounds of it.
Fudging rubbish!' grumbles Adam. Quite simply, we need Tony Crane
back. Quick smart.
84 mins - 'And it's all..........over.............!!! The....
top!' yells Dalton as Gateshead blow a wonderful chance to bury Boston
once and for all, Armstrong ballooning a shot over the bar when it literally
would have been easier to score.
83 mins - 'Get it wide!!' urges Chris Cook as Boston,
presumably, don't get it wide. This is getting a bit too close for comfort.
81 mins - Lil'Thommo is on for Leabon.
76 mins - 'Say we go out this afternoon,' Adam Upsall
hypothesises. 'Not that its in doubt currently - but what exactly
is there to look forward to for the rest of the season? Gainsborough home/away?
Maybe the Kettering home game? Oh and let's not forget the massive visit
of Solihull Moors (or is that Motors?). Will there be a gong, or maybe
a klaxon to signal the end of the season?'
72 mins - That lad from Mansfield is replaced by O'Redcardohan,
who will probably not do anything and then get sent off.
70 mins - CHANCE!!!! Nicholls plays a sweet little ball into
Stevenson's feet - his powerful punt spanks off the post! More pressure
from Boston again, but Chris Cook isn't happy with Stevenson. 'He
takes too many touches,' he says. 'He tries to do too much!'
Well, I did say last week Boston tended to overplay. Stevenson
is the main culprit.
70 mins - Dredging up the past with the impsRAKE - 'Crawley
3-1 up now. **shakes fist in cartoonish frustration**,' grumbles
Bob, who might be grumbling a little more now that Lincoln City have taken
67 mins - 'OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!' bellows John in an
e-mail we suspect he hasn't cc'd BBC Radio Lincolnshire on. 'The back
line needs a big lad. Pace not important. Just someone big and commanding.
Gateshead 2, Boston 1
mins - Balls. Non-existent defending from the second of
the two corners... Bowey sneaks in at the back post to head Gateshead
back in front! Extraordinary!
mins - Boston have to be careful here, Gateshead run down the
other end and get a corner.... and another....
Gateshead 1, Boston 1
mins - Jon Froggatt evades the back four and finds himself
one-on-one with Peter Keen. And Froggatt doesn't miss those! It's
all Boston deserve, to be honest.
63 mins - Gateshead sub Atkin on for Harwood.
62 mins - CHANCE!!!! Stevenson's volley is parried by Peter
60 mins - In fact it's all Boston now, but Gateshead are quite
happy to just hit Boston on the break. Which, given Boston's defensive
issues of the last few games, is a no-brainer to be honest. Still no
news on Tony Crane by the way.
55 mins - Boston are gradually getting back into this. Thank
54 mins - 'It's shit turning your back on football, It's
almost shitter than actually going but without the £50 spend,'
says Pop Up Pirate. 'What do people that don't follow the beautiful
game (hmpph) actually do on a Saturday apart from buy wood?
I've got the Sky Sports thing on, it's shit cos I don't care for Middlesborough
or Ross County or Celtic and how well they are doing. I've got a cup
of hot chocolate just cos thats what I do at 3:45 on a Saturday, it's
shit cos it tastes of chocolate and isn't lumpy and 9000 degrees like
it should be and its in a cup and not a faded paper cup
Football focus was on, it's shit cos it reminded me for 1 hr of just
what a shambles the trip to Wembley was on Wednesday.... It really was
49 mins - Gary Silk stuffs home an equaliser for Notts County
at Sincil bank. Blub etc.
Kick-off - The second half is underway. No changes.
More anagram fun - From Bob: 'I'll see your Adam Smith
Is Crap from Dramatic Mishap and raise you a Tony Crane becoming Arty
peep peeeeep! Half
time. Well, that's wasn't very good, but there were encouraging signs
towards the end of the half that Boston have got enough about them to
drag themselves back into this. It's all about Leabon, I reckon.
45+1 - Bloomer does well to deal with a dangerous looking ball.
He clears, and Gateshead have just enough time for a corner. It's safely
gathered by Crockett.
45 mins - Half time looms Boston look doomed to lose the first
45 minutes. On the plus side, Adam Hildred's got a cracking anagram.
'On the subject, 'dramatic mishaps' can be jumbled to 'Adam Smith is
crap,' he says.
43 mins - Hand us the impsRAKE! 'Crawley are winning,'
reports a disappointed John. 'Probably bought the goal. Bah. A penalty.
42 mins - 'So have Boston done feck all?' asks Adam
Upsall. No, Adam. Froggatt had a shot. I'm so giddy with excitement.
41 mins - CHANCE! Or was it? Who knows, but BY GOD! Froggatt
HAD A SHOT!!!! It missed.
37 mins - The way Mark Isaac was carrying on after the England-Croatia
debacle, I thought he'd made in excess of ONE MIIIILLLION DOLLARS after
backing the Croats at 7-1. In actual fact, he appears to have won a
mere £140 and spent it on a pile of wood:
'Dear Impstalk, How I spent my £140 on backing Croatia
at 7-1. Best wishes etc, Mark'
Mark, in your neck of the woods you can have someone KILLED
34 mins - Yet again, and I might as well just have cut and
pasted this from last
week's min-by-min, Boston have done absolutely feck all this half.
Absolutely feck all. To repeat: Boston have done feck all.
30 mins - 'Now, being bored, I jumbled the letters about
a bit and Gateshead Athletics Club gave me: A Cablecasted Eighth Lust,'
says Bert. 'Ooooooh. I dunno what that is, but it sounds filthy
and I want some. Has Stevenson done anything yet, or is he still doing
27 mins - Just checking in 'Assuming it was a
stone wall pen and we should be eight down by now?' says Adam.
Like Newcastle, you mean?
25 mins - Boston corner. Hoofed clear by The Heed, who are
basically bossing this at the moment.
23 mins - 'Southern runs past Smith!' shouts Dalton.
That might not be the first time we hear that this afternoon.
17 mins - This Wayne Phillips lad doesn't sound half bad. 'That
bastion of decency and pillar of the journalism community, Piers Morgan,
(ahem) has a dvd out about why England are shit. Don't buy it - I've
had a preview. It's just 50 minutes of various stills of McClaren under
his umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, oh oh,' toots 'Tristian'.
14 mins - Hand us the impsRAKE! 'Dagenham are winning 1-0
over The Macc Lads. Can I make a joke about Sweaty Betty?' asks
Gateshead 1, Boston 0
mins - Cave slots home the spot kick. Crockett is lucky
to even be on the pitch.
12 mins - PENALTY FOR GATESHEAD! Matt Bloomer's poor back header
plays Crockett into all kinds of problems and the keeper comes right
out of his goal, hauling down a Gateshead forward - it might have been
Phillips - before he can take advantage and score. Crockett is handed
10 mins - Will Stevenson and/or Nicholls actually bother turning
up today, one wonders?
8 mins - Nothing much has happened, but Gateshead have a corner
after a bit of a mix up between Bloomer and Matthews. The Gateshead
lot are making a bit of noise. Crockett deals with ball pinging about
the box and the pressure is off for now.
4 mins - 'Let's get a draw and get a bit of extra money
from a replay at York Street. Winning that as well of course,'
harrumps Adam Hildred, before adding: 'Peace, bread and land!'.
3.00pm - KICK OFF Someone kicks a ball to someone else and
we're underway. According to Sky Sports, Paul Bastock is on Rushden's
bench today so he's not signed yet then. Hmm.
2.55pm - The first e-mail of the day arrives nice and early 'So,
when did communism hit Gateshead?' asks David from Bicker. 'And
why are Gateshead playing in a stadium that looks like the aforementioned
Grigori Rasputin built it? Are there people outside it, queueing for
chunks of stale bread? Is Vanilla Ice top of the hit parade there? Come
on, comrades, er mean, Boston!'
2.50pm - NEWSFLASH! Big Sam, apart from being a total tool,
is also a crap manager. Newcastle, it must be said, are a mirror of
England. Up until recently, they too were under the sweaty-palmed control
of a fat baldy incompetent blazer/buffoon. They too have a rubbish Michael
Owen doing his finest headless chicken impression up front - when he's
not injured. Which is never. They too have fans who register a high
8.9 on the 'Impatient/thickness' scale. But anyway, onto today's Boston
game. I have no news. So, back to Newcastle. Christ, they're rubbish.
And they don't even have Titus Bramble any more!
12.45pm - Right, Newcastle-Liverpool on the telly, so see you
at 2.45pm. Remember to send abuse/pictures to the usual: email@example.com
Preamble - Ok, let's the the moaning out of the way quickly, then I
can move on.
Football is shit. Go on, admit it. It's absolutely diabolically
shit. Why do we bother? Why do any of us bother? When was the last time
it was actually fun being a football fan, specifically a Boston fan
with more than a passing interest in the fortunes of England?
Euro 96 had its moments, but ended up, ultimately, being a
bit crap. Euro 2000 was just outright crap, as was the 2002 World Cup
2002. Euro 2004 was so crap that it served as a convenient excuse for
racist mouth-breathers to trash bits of Boston. World Cup 2006 was crap.
As for Boston, the promotions don't count: they were staged, faked,
whatever. Would it be 1985, the fabled Wembley appearance in the final
of the very competition Boston re-enter today after a gap of five years?
Because very little of genuine worth has happened in between. And we
even went and lost that.
Not for us gleeful dancing in fountains in some exotic foreign city,
the transgression forgiven by the local police because - get this! -
we've WON something. Not for us the wild frenzy of an unlikely penalty
shootout triumph against the Portuguese, Christiano Ronaldo shanking
his crucial spot-kick into his wife's face in the VIP Ring of Apathy.
No. What we have is a summer devoid of football, travel plans scrapped,
that stag-do in Austria now shelved and relocated instead to the Welsh
mountains. Sure, we could still go. But it would feel too much like
showing up at a party when you've never actually been officially invited.
People will point and gossip. Paranoia overdrive.
Football owes us - it owes us so much, in fact, that it had better get
on the phone to Picture Finance before we show up at its front door
with a baseball bat and a couple of heavies. And it can begin to repay
the debt today in a very small, tiny little way. We're happy with installments.
And the first installment is, simply, BOSTON TO BEAT FECKING GATESHEAD.
It's really not a huge amount to ask. Really, it isn't.
Today's game - Today, Boston re-enter the FA Trophy
for the first time since their pretty abject first
hurdle exit at the hands of Northwich five long years ago. A quick
glance at the teamsheet from that day reveals the only surviving member
of the team is, of course, Ellender. Or is it? We may, or may not, see
another player from that team take to the field today... Paul Bastock.
Although, to be honest, the apparent re-signing of Bastock is a perplexing
move. Not because I, or anyone else at impsTALK Towers, at all questions
Bastock's ability, but simply because Crockett seems to have been playing
quite well. I'm aware that this would be strongly disputed by some Boston
fans, but the times I've seen him play he has been pretty good and,
indeed, in spells has been quite outstanding.
Tommy Taylor clearly feels he hasn't got the goalkeeping situation quite
right, and he's won an FA Cup. I once won a toothbrush in a dental healthcare
quiz at primary school, so I shall probably defer to his judgment on
this. Welcome home Baz. You're back just in time for the trip to Barrow.
Gateshead - I could trawl Wikipedia for 'interesting
facts' about Gateshead, but you could do that yourself. Here's
the link. Oops, sorry, no.. for some reason, that's the page for
Grigori Rasputin. No idea where that came from. Ok, er, try this
page instead. Ah, there we go. That's much better.
My only research on Gateshead was to try and find a link, however tenuous,
with Byker Grove so I could find a picture of Spuggie or something at
the top. But Byker has got feck all to do with Gateshead, sadly. So
instead I will simply say that they play in a quite
ridiculous stadium, in keeping with a couple of other teams up in
that part of the world.