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Follow all the action from Croft Park - LIVE(ish)

Tuesday 12 February 2008 - Tinpot Pub League
Kick off 7.45pm

Blyth 2

Dale 67
Webster 75

Boston 1
Nicholls 20

Blyth: Bartlett, Christiansen, Leeson, Brown, Boyle, Gildea, McCabe, Houlahan, Williams, Dale, Hedley
Subs: Stephenson, Johnson, Snowdon, Webster, Fenton.

Rayner, Matthews, Weaver, Bloomer, Crane, Nicholls, That lad with the bloody tights, Ellender, Ex-Busted star James Bourne, Leabon, Stevenson.
Subs: Thompson, Joyce, Young Michael Wood, Talbot, Butcher


Righto, that's us for the night - Another disappointing away day, some more showboating from players who should know better. But at least Keef's lad can look forward to a career in the media if it doesn't pan out for him at York Street. The mentalists are texting Radio Lincs, so I'm off to have a chuckle before they start interviewing the inarticulate losers at Lincoln City. Thanks for all your e-mails, sorry they didn't all make it past the spam filter. See yer..... Pete.

Reflection -
Leeds - Forest finishes all square. "1-1 it finished," reports Upsall. "He nearly did it though....

90:00 (1:56)
Cross by Andy Hughes (Leeds), header by Anthony Elding (Leeds) from left channel (18 yards), missed left."

Missed left? Missed by.... how much?

Reflection -
Shit, that's a long journey home when you've just thrown away a half time lead.

Peeep peeeep peeeeep!!!
There goes the final whistle, and a deeply, deeply disappointing result to what was, in all honesty, a decent game.

Blyth will be rolling out the Pilgrims Progress headlines for certain. "Absolutely brilliant," says Peter. "Might be a bit too clever though, we are talking about a Geordie readership don't forget. WE WON is regarded as an intellectual challenge for the Gazza wannabees."

Well, Blyth DID win, and that, my friends, really IS the end for the playoff hopes. Robbie Dale's goal will probably live long in the memory, even for Boston fans.

90 +3 -
Elding is on for Leeds. And could he find the net as other ex-Pilgrims have been? Bob reports: "Plethora of former Pilgrims finding the net tonight ... Daryl Clare, Ryan Clake and goal-machine, Nathan Joynes ...."

"Of course,"
says Pat. "I have never got carried away with play-off hopes this season. I take everything in my stride. Tonight's scoreline is certainly not worthy of promotion. Now sack the board before we're relegated, how dare we lose to Blyth!"

90 mins -
I just realised I said the 'p' word below. Oops. 2p in the swear box. The life is ebbing from this match. Come on The Crane. "Or Blyth spoil Bostons Tea Party?" offers Adam. Yep. Another classic.

89 mins -
"Paul Alexander has obviously undergone extensive research before taking his new role as summariser, " says Bostonwoody. "First displayed in his intimate knowledge of backs, and now talking about the effects of running for 90 minutes and training. Must have been speaking to somebody. Nurse says its time for me to get back in bed now. Good night all." Four minutes of injury time.

88 mins -
"Arse," shouts Hildred. "Why is it as soon as I leave from Boston's 5-0, 20-point-maximum-haul, United 'do a United' and concede two goals? Thank God for Forest." Not so fast Hildred, here's Upsall with an update! "Beckford. Goal. Leeds Leeds Leeds! Watch your lot crumble now." Yeah. Woo. I'll not stick a little GOAL box up for that.

I've had a GREAT idea for a headline if the score stays the same. You with me on this? Yeah? Ok, this is my idea. It's a bit crazy, a bit cheeky, a bit cutting edge - but I think we could pull it off? Ready? Ok, here goes: 'Blyth Halt Pilgrims Progress'. Whaddya think?

83 mins -
Was that Boston's faint playoff hopes that just crept out the back door without so much as a 'see you later'?

82 mins -
Leeds are still losing, much to Adam's disgust. "Gary Mac OUT. Bring on Eldinio NOW!"

79 mins -
Boston shake it all about to try and salvage something. Thommo and Wood on, the lad with the tights and Nicholls off. "It's got 5-4 written all over it ....." says a hopeful Bob.

76 mins
- Upsall's not happy. "Feck feck feck feck feck feck feck feck. Just boot it out next time, keepers, why do they think they can play?"

Surely you mean 'just aboot it out'. Just to remind you, I'm here all weeks folks.

GOAL!!! Blyth 2, Boston 1
75 mins - GOAL!!!! Blyth 2, Boston 1 - Nicholls loses the ball, Blyth pile forward and Webster, courtesy of a deflection or five, plonks the ball past a flailing Rayner. Oh dear, oh dear. Or rather, less politely, fucking hell.

71 mins - "Someone throw a lifejacket for Bob!" says XYU. "He's fallen in! Is Paul Alexander studying to become a doctor? "Backs are backs, and nobody knows what's wrong with backs."

GOAL!!! Leeds 0, Forest 1
GOAL!!!! Julian Bennett. Ha ha ha! Clinging on, eh? Clinging on??

69 mins -
"Possibly winner of most random moment of the night, Nic has just decided to make some Lemon Muffins." Adam sounds hungry. "Not that I'm complaining. Nottingham Cloggers are still hanging on against the might of Super Leeds, 0-0."

69 mins
- A goal worthy of the Premiership, say the BBC boys. Not really much of a consolation.

GOAL!!! Blyth 1, Boston 1
67 mins - GOAL!!!! Blyth 1, Boston 1 - As if on cue, Blyth take advantage of a Rayner howler, chipping the absent goalie from a million yards with a superb chip. Blame Canada folks.

66 mins -
This is turning out to be quite an entertaining game. And given Boston and Blyth's history, it would be foolish to count out more drama.

65 mins -
Bostonwoody (no, not that Woody) says: "Wholeheartedly concur! Tonight has probably been Paul Alexander's best performance for Boston.Keep up the good work lads you're doing a fantastic job."

63 mins -
That kid from Busted makes a mazy run on the counter attack and almost, almost, scores a wonder goal. But he doesn't. The hair probably slowed him down.

59 mins -
Paul Alexander destroys a century of spinal research in one fell swoop. "Backs are backs," he says of Froggatt's injury and treatment at Lilleshall. "No-one knows what's wrong them, do they?" Worryingly, he's probably right.

58 mins -
Bob Nudd asks "Are they commentating underwater?"

56 mins - CHANCE!
After soaking up a bit of pressure, Boston break with pace, with Leabon finding himself in a huge amount of space. He runs forward at 125mph, that typical Leabon trait, and blasts a shot against Bartlett. The ball comes back to him and he thrashes it wildly out for a throw. With no support, he didn't really have any other option.

53 mins -
"Ellender...stumbles over the player" says Mark Turner. Which is presumably a euphemism for 'Ellender hacks down a player and jumps on his face until it is a bloody pulp. And gets booked.'

49 mins -
Perhaps the most impressive performance of the night - Tony Crane apart - is that of Paul Alexander in the BBC commentary box. Good stuff.

48 mins -
"Holby city starts in 1 minute if anybody is interested," said GGISBACK in an e-mail that got caught in our spam filter an hour ago. So Holby City actually finishes in one minute.

47 mins -
The attendance is 455 tonight. And a good following from Boston by the sounds of it.

Kick off!
The second half gets underway. But XYU isn't too interested in the football: ":( Go back to FM! I wanted to hear about Julie's valuables down her bra."

Half time -
"In true half-time style, Bob Nudd is having a cup of tea - bankside. Four hundred times better than the shite tea served up at Hyde last week - would rather drink the water from the Forty Foot than do that again .. anyway, I won't need to .... we're gonna be promoted ....."

The tea at Hyde was indeed terrible folks. The spoon was covered in some crusty substance I sincerely hope was congealed sugar.

Half time - David is getting excited -
"Excitement! Weymouth player loses contact lens!

Excrement! My listening pleasure gets interrupted by a woman covered in monkey shite knocking on my door!

Excellent! Boston 1-0 up at half time. Lets try to kill this lot off early in the 2nd half for once."

45 mins - Peep peep peeeeep!
Half time, and Boston lead Blyth by a single goal. The word 'playoff' is still banned though.

44 mins -
"All joking aside (well if you call them jokes)," quips Adam. "But if we get to half time here we have a decent chance of something out of a very tricky away game. So that ensures an equaliser." You're right. This is impsTALK. We don't DO jokes anymore.

40 mins - XYU is, like impsTALK, a hapless Setanta subscriber -
"Simon Weatherstone hoofs one wide from 25 yards for Weymouth. Setanta have picked the dullest game in the conference to cover tonight. And why are they showing two Crawley games in the same week? That's a combined viewing audience of 20 million!"

Yep, Setanta is truly shite. They somehow manage to show games that make you want to decapitate yourself in the nearest combine harvester. Our tip? Ring 'em, tell them you want to cancel and they'll offer you big discounts. They're desperate. ITV Digital Mk2, anyone?

37 mins - CHANCE!
Blyth are unlucky not to equalise, a header from Hedley leaves Rayner stranded but, luckily, strikes the post. Boston break almost immediately and force Bartlett into a hurried parry.

36 mins - Corner for Boston -
Nicholls wastes it, but it pinballs around for a while before going out for another corner. This is sent back to Crane and Boston start all over again.

"Proof your Forest numpties are getting a lesson at fortress Elland Rd," says Adam. How many points do they award for attacking throw ins again?

Cross by David Prutton (Leeds), save (caught) by Paul Smith (Nottm Forest).

Attacking throw-in by Alan Sheehan (Leeds).

Defending throw-in by Julian Bennett (Nottm Forest).

Attacking throw-in by Darren Kenton (Leeds).

Correction - 9:47
Attacking throw-in by Darren Kenton (Leeds).

Attacking throw-in by Darren Kenton (Leeds).

32 mins - CHANCE! Well, not really. Bloomer shanks a shot so wide it almost flies off for a throw in. Like Stevie G, eh? "Bob is listening on his tranny radio whilst sat in a bivvy on a cold fen drain - fishing of course," says Bob. "Have 50p on a Boston 3-1 win (odds 28/1)."

31 mins -
Free kick to Blyth, but it's cleared by Tony Crane with 'a good strong header'. Oh yes. Who's the man?

27 mins -
Dagenham are tonking Chester 3-0.

25 mins -
Phew,turns out they didn't. One of these days we're going to have to dispatch a newshound with a laptop so we don't have to rely on the BBC's commentary. If anyone wants to buy us a laptop, cheques to the usual address.

24 mins
- "Playoffs here we come, conference, then league in a year - let's go full time, move grounds, sign Gazza, we ARE pissing this tinpot league!" says Adam, as the BBC coverage again cuts out at the precise moment Blyth may have equalised.

GOAL!!! Blyth 0, Boston 1
20 mins - GOAL!!!! Blyth 0, Boston 1 - Nicholls runs onto a ball chipped behind the back four, his initial header is parried by Bartlett but he stuffs it in off the rebound.

18 mins -
Free Kick for Boston, and who better to take it than that man Crane? He chips it over the wall but it's an easy take for Bartlett. How dare he? How dare he? The Crane never forgets, Bartlett.

16 mins -
Kick Off 2 Adam. That's what I'm talking about. Corner for Boston! Up goes the Crane... and it flashes across the goal and goes out of play. "Paul Alexander has problems with his shins?" muses XYU. "They're attached to his feet? Think he's a decent sub for commentary though."

12 mins -
Free kick to Blyth 30 yards from Boston's goal, but nothing comes of it. "No, it definitely sounded like Emlyn Hughes International Soccer," says Adam. "0-0 in the big one still. Leeds/Forest obviously."

8 mins -
It could be a long night. The tin can connecting Croft Park to the world is obviously dodgy.

6 mins -
Boston have certainly started with a spring in their step. "I take it back, Paul sounds pretty good," says Adam. "Well he did until the line was cut and replaced by someone loading a C64 game." I hope it was Elite. What a game that was.

4 mins -
Having said that, Gainsborough's Mark Turner says the word 'beautiful' as though he's advertising reformed mangled turkey goo tossed in breadcumbs. 'Boootiful'.

2 mins -
"Tonight's commentary," ponders Upsall. "Is this going to be brilliantly poor or just poor? Anyway off we go.... " Give 'em a chance, Paul Alexander sounds half-decent.

Kick off! -
Boston get us off and underway, as that Jonathan Pearce might say.

7.45pm -
"Leeds was a traffic nightmare for the drive home, apparently they are playing another fallen giant at home tonight, just your £30 for a ticket!" toots Adam Upsall, as the teams line up ready for kick off.

7.40pm -
"Shade, maybe?" says Adam, referring to that weird roof they're building on the new stand at Trent Bridge. "After all, that's exactly what you want for a summer sport." No it's not Adam. You want blistering, melanoma-inducing sunburn. That's the English way!

7.35pm -
Tonight's cutting edge analysis will be coming from..... (drull roll)...... Paul Alexander.

7.35pm - Tonight's teams - Blyth:
Bartlett, Christiansen, Leeson, Brown, Boyle, Gildea, McCabe, Houlahan, Williams, Dale, Hedley.
Subs: Stephenson, Johnson, Snowdon, Webster, Fenton.

Boston: Rayner, Matthews, Weaver,Bloomer, Crane, Nicholls, That lad with the bloody tights, Ellender, Ex-Busted star James Bourne, Leabon, Stevenson.
Subs: Thompson, Young Michael Wood, Joyce, Talbot, Butcher.

7.30pm - Big big night in League One tonight, as dirty bastard Leeds take on the angelic, erm, angels of Forest. Yoooou Reds!

7.25pm - The first e-mail tonight comes all the way from..... well, Boston, as it happens -
''Lo," chirps Adam Hildred. "I'm relying on you and WAP tonight for coverage, as I'm watching the VITAL Lincs Premier Squash League match, Boston vs. Waddington. We need to consolidate our position at the top - if a five court metropolis of a club loses the title to a two-court backwater like Metheringham, there'll be problems. I'll keep you informed, just in case Mark Turner really DOES cut out on 27 minutes."

Cheers Adam. Boston fans worldwide will be tuned into your breaking news develop- hang on, you want to add something else? "The amazing Trent Bridge redevelopment doesn't include squash courts by the way, as there's already some behind the pavilion." Nice of you to clear that up. Any idea what the hell that roof is there for then, 'cos it sure isn't going to keep anyone dry.


Evening folks, welcome to another evening of fun, frolics and intermittent flecks of actual information. If you could just check your play-off hopes with the big brute at the door, cheers. We don’t want any of that nonsense being bandied about this evening thanks very much.

Having said that, Boston's extremely impressive win over Telford on Saturday has certainly stoked up the expectation around the club. We're not complaining. If you'd told us in August we'd be talking about the playoffs in bloody February we'd have invited you to join the pigeon hole marked 'mentalist' - but who'd be laughing now, eh? And if you're too thick to answer that: you. You would be laughing. Laughing long and hard. In our fat, stupid moon face.

Still, to maintain our recent form for quite literally the rest of the entire whole remaining remainder of the season is, probably, asking too much of our squad. But if Crane and Rayner are playing, anything's possible. By the way - apologies for calling Simon Rayner 'Paul' in the fanzine on Saturday. It was a crass and unjustified oversight. Blame the proof-reader. If you were, like us, disgusted at this horrendous lack of quality control and fancy cracking off some good copy for the next issue, contributions are welcome.

No Sony Award Winning BBC broadcaster tonight. Sony Award Winning Dalton is off scoffing the egg and cress sandwiches on some BBC jolly no doubt, so the bloke who normally covers Trinity will be taking to the air and providing a grudging commentary of the Pilgrims this evening. Go easy on him. It's his cup final. Let's just hope he doesn't suddenly cut off in the 27th minute. Arf arf. We're here all week, etc.

No Chris Cook either, which leads us to wonder if BBC Lincs are going to drag some aquamarine-loving newshound away from the buffet in the pressbox to add some cutting edge analysis to tonight's proceedings (if he indeed has made the trip). We hope for all our sakes they do - tonight's 'comedy' has to come from somewhere - right? If not... well, you'd better crack open the absinthe and stick a Lee Evans DVD on. No, LEE Evans.

That lot
Having never been to Blyth it would perhaps be a tad unfair to crack all kinds of 'jokes' about the state of the place. Of course, that’s never stopped us before, but we reckon Blyth’s got enough on its plate being so close to Comedy Central. And we've exhausted our comedic reserves on Workington. We're not historians, so we'll now proceed to lazily cut and paste a highly interesting snippet of information about the town from Wikipedia to keep up the tenuous pretence of having thoroughly researched this segment:

"In 1858 the Harbour Act was passed allowing dredging of the harbour to begin."

Now that's out of the way, let's take a look at the magic impsTALK Stats Centre - oh. S
adly, we’ve not played Blyth for nearly a decade so we can’t even spend an age poring over the StatsCentre as though past encounters have even the slightest bit of relevance this evening.

Our memories of Blyth are all faded and frayed at the edges, too young to recall that epic Trophy tie the old gits bang on about but old enough to be able to recall that pesky Moat fella running off doing his badge kissing act after he’d equalised for Blyth at York Street in 1997, only to watch in horror as Phil Brown stuck one past the 98 year old John Burridge with the last kick of the game. Ah, the smug satisfaction, kicking the boards in the Main Stand..... It gives us that warm fuzzy feeling inside. Although not as much as that Colwyn Bay game earlier in the season, mind. Now THAT was a game. Where the hell are Colwyn Bay these days anyway? Save us six seconds of Googling - answers to the usual address.

Related Links
Blyth official site
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Spartans Forum

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