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Follow all the action from Holker Street - LIVE(ish)

Tuesday 4 March 2008 - Tinpot Pub League
Kick off 7.45pm

Barrow 1

McNulty (pen) 12

Boston 0

Barrow: Boyd, Deasy, Woodyart, Jones, McNulty, Elderton, Henny, Bond, Brown, Walker, Rogan
Thompson, Bayliss, Morris, Nelson, Scales

Rayner, Young Woody, Bloomer, Mr Anthony Crane, Lil'Thommo, Talbo-ARGH!, ex-Busted star James Bourne, O'Redcardohan, Nicholls, Stevenson, Rowan
Subs: Weaver, Leabon, Mensa! OK!, Joyce, Millson


Double, double toil and trouble, make the gruel thick and slab: Nope, it’s not the food at Workington – it’s the HMRC winding-up caldron brewing double trouble for vice-chairman David Newton to sort out. Pronto.

Final witterings - Adam writes of tonight's C4 show: "Just ended the bit of her attempt at the football with Ellender fouling someone. Hmmm... Although she said phrase it as "the hallowed grounds of Boston United" - maybe she knows something we don't and we really do own York Street?"

Yeah, we wish Adam, we wish. Dalton's disappeared and we're back on normal BBC Radio Lincolnshire, which means I'm turning off now before I age 65 years.

A much improved performance tonight but that really is it for the playoffs now. All of which means we can head to Hucknall in search of good ale rather than anything more fackin' meaningful. If you're off to the game, feel free to pop along to the Kean's Head for a beer in Nottingham's Lace Market at noon. Thanks for all your e-mails, especially you Mr Isaac, sorry if I missed any lodged in the spam filter. Until next Tuesday, ta-ra for now.... Pete.

Hang on.... the BUFCWUPPPCD isn't finished yet -
What's this coming out of the patented insolvency calcucatoranisation device now...?

Drum roll! The BUFCWUPPPCD is chattering away
- and the result of our inputted parameters is....................


Full-time -
"Any sign of a percentage yet?" says Paul. Yes. Oh yes indeed.

90+1 - PEEP PEEP PEEEEEP - Full time - Barrow 1, Boston 0
. Disappointing result but no-one could really begrudge Barrow the three points. They were easily the better team on the night, although Boston turned in a decent performance. Now attention focuses on the REAL result of the evening: is the BUFCWUPPPCD device about to give us a score...?

90 mins -
"That Sony award winning fella makes everything sound like the last two minutes of the 99 Champions League final," says Upsall. "The homeless fella really is quality."

Rogan is one-on-one with Rayner, who does magnificently to save the initial effort. The ball rebounds to another forward who spoons the ball wide. Not a night for strikers, all told.

87 mins - CHANCE!
Barrow somehow don't take advantage of a pretty dreadful Rayner hoof. Talbot kills a couple of Barrow defenders trying to clear, but the referee doesn't blow for the inevitable penalty, instead choosing to play advantage. Unfortunately for him - and Barrow - the ball is plunked wide of the gaping net. Oops.

85 mins -
775 at Holker Street, with 25 from Boston.

83 mins -
Talbot gets a ticking off after a reckless challenge. The Radio Cumbria lot in the background howl for a red card.

79 mins - CHANCE!
Wood spanks a shot from - what? - 65 yards.... and it's only just wide. Been a cracker of a game this. Despite the goal and Mark Isaac. "That C4 show is dire," complains Hildred. "So far, she's managed to get someone to draw some circles to show the times it takes to walk somewhere. Oh, and, to the tune of wild-west music, she's ventured into Fenside, a key part of her strategy apparently. When giving her advice, some community leader there told her a story of how she earned someones' respect by hitting them back after they twatted her."
Yep. That's the Boston we know and love.

Worse, Adam adds: "She mentioned how she wanted to use her media contacts to help, cue a cut to her talking to Sony Award winning blah blah Scott Dalton for about 3 seconds."

75 mins NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Leabon, who was clean through on goal, one-on-one with Boyd, scuffs the ball horribly wide with the goal at his mercy. Gah! On the plus side, Arsenal are winning in Milan! And NORWICH HAVE EQUALISED AT WATFORD! Adam Upsall writes: "I assume you are getting e-grief from our favourite NHS employee, well just after that nurse that killed four patients that is?"

74 mins -
Leabon is on. Which I'm only adding now to make sure the above comment makes a bit more sense. Backfilling? impsTALK? Nah.

74 mins - CHANCE!!!
Another fine chance for Barrow, but the home side are again denied by Canada. "Sending off central tonight," says Scotty of the various English leagues. "I’m still expecting to hear about Paul Bastock being sent off for handling outside of his area at Barrow tonight..." Bazza you say Scotty? If we must.

69 mins -
"Thanks for the link," toots Adam as a right old melee in the Boston box almost sees Barrow finally finish the Pilgrims off, only for Wood to punt the ball clear. "Who the chuff is Millson?" he asks. Dunno Adam. But a quick scan of the BUFC academy page reveals this photo:

67 mins -
Crane is booked. All is well with the world.

66 mins - CHANCE!
Great save from Rayner to stop Jason Walker putting Barrow two goals up. "Rescue the BUFCWUPPPCD device," pleads Paul. "Isaac is the most variable of variables. As Scotty of star trek fame would say, "she canna take it cap'n"." Sorry Paul. We're too far gone. There's no turning back now. She's on full thrust. We'll have an answer to the winding up equation soon, just as long as we can control the flames here at impsTALK HQ.

64 mins -
"Impstalk should have a food/drink page," says Anthony Torrel-Whompson in Swineshead, who again we suspect is not actually called Anthony Torrel-Whompson nor a resident of Swineshead. "And not just sour grapes or Bitter beer, either. Frazzle crisps. Dairylea. Honey Roast Ham. Mustard. In a sandwich. Trust me on this. Can I have a picture of Bazza, please?"

63 mins - OUCH
Henney's shot is 'dealt with' by Tony Crane, who smashes the ball full into the face of a fan behind the goal. Stewards rush into to control the flailing mass of spurting arteries. Joyce set to come on for Lil'Thommo.

61 mins -
"Evening all!" says Adam Upsall. "Sorry I'm late, anything interesting happened then? Have they moved the link for the radio commentary, cannot seem to find it?" Aye Adam, try HERE.

I just spilled my drink everywhere. For no good reason.

57 mins -
Having suddenly noticed that Matt O'Redcardohan is wearing tights, Tommy Taylor immediately substitutes him for some kid, Milhouse or something.

56 mins - Christ
The BUFCWUPPPCD device is smoking a bit. My housemate is currently pouring water on it to keep it cool. "TWAT TWAT TWAT" says Mark Isaac, whose mood certainly appears to be darkening a little. "Aren't you clever? Well not as clever as me. Numpty."


52 mins -
BOOOOO! scream the Barrow fans as a Boston player moves his legs and blinks a bit. "Loving the idea that it's not Craig Singletons place to point out that Gainsborough fans are rubbish........ any idea who's place it is?" says Paul.

49 mins -
"Stop taking the piss! I'm serious!" screams Mark Isaac from darkest Kent. "You're a total twat Brooksbank. Grow up and start taking me serious or else I'll text you some more."

47 mins -
Lively start from Boston. "Hey you the Impstalk-type chappy," says Brian. "Please inform Cogster I'd like to see a video-interview-clip with that foxy lady stirring the cauldron on Youtube shortly."

Kick-off -
The second half gets underway as I reinput the variables into the BUFCWUPPPCD.

Half-time -
"Your equation was wrong," scolds Professor Fink. "You forgot to carry the square root of the weight of photocopied files divided by the mass of a 68 inch waist. Tut tut. C-. See me after class."

Half-time -
"A Carrot Blob Bowlful!" offers Ian Goldfish, from Frieston, who I suspect isn't actually called Ian Goldfish. "Barrow Football Club. I have too much time on my hands. And I watch too much Countdown. Pray for me."

As the BUFCWUPPPCD works away, the lights are dimming across Nottingham.

Half-time - Right. The variables.....
Krazee Jimmy + Lavaflow / Simon Morris * Gerald Krasner + £3.2million - 8 million Sky viewers + second chance + UNDISCLOSED + 400 * 97% / UNDISCLOSED + 6% guilty + third, fourth and fifth chance + York Street rent + Michael Chinn / Des Wood + Mark Isaac / Paul Bastock = .......... WHHIIIRRRRRRR ....

We may have to wait some time for this folks.

Half-time -

University of Swineshead statman
Prof. Franny Pychon standing before an early prototype of the BUFCWUPPPCD device. Technological advances mean that the device now only weighs 58.6kg.

45 mins - Peeep peeeep peeeeeep!!
Half time, and although Boston have been far from the shower Forest were at times in their match yesterday, they'll need to step it up a gear if they're to return to Boston with anything from Cumbria.

Right, time to dust off the Boston United FC Winding Up Petition Percentage Probability Calculationatiser Device. It's been sat on the shelf, unused, since July.

44 mins -
"OI!" yells Paul. "Answer your e-mails you feckless IT johnie!"

I guess he's referring to that e-mail I haven't replied to.

"P.s," he adds. "Can you describe the probability of BUFC being wound up by the Taxman as a percentage? (only your opininon, I understand)."

No probs Paul, I'll boot up the Boston United FC Winding Up Petition Percentage Probability Calculationatiser Device at half time, input a few parameters and see what happens.

43 mins -
Crane lines it up.... aaaaand........ into the wall. It rebounds to Ex-Busted star James Bourne - who shanks it into the sea.

42 mins -
I'm crap at anagrams. Free kick for Boston. And it's Craneable!

39 mins - Not much happening
Let's have an anagram from, um, John Fishcake-Smythe from Bicker. "If we lose, we have a get-out clause," sniggers John. "A Backup slot. See what I did there? Arf!"

36 mins -
Manchester United take the lead against Lyon. That tie's all over then. Why on earth is THAT game on ITV1 tonight?

32 mins -
"Paul Bastock. Paul. Bastock, Paul Bastock," says Tristan Braithwaite Ramsey-Murrington The Third from Langrick. "Paul Paul Bastock. Bastock. Paul. Paul Bastock. Paul Bastock Bastock. Paul. Bastock Paul Bastock. Yes. Can we have another picture of Paul Bastock, please?" Happy to oblige Sir.

27 mins -
All quiet on the pitch, giving Scott Dalton a chance to explain the intricate details of the Football League/HMRC dispute again. The club are 'hopeful' of some deal being reached. As, I imagine, are a whole load of insolvent clubs looking forward to HMRC setting a precedent by making an exemption to their sacred creditor rule.

26 mins -
A young John Blackwell likened to John Lennon? Only on BBC Radio Lincolnshire.

24 mins -

23 mins - Bit frantic this
End to end stuff at Holker Street, Barrow have their third corner of the evening which again Crane clears.

18 mins - CHANCE!
Rogan turns on the edge of the box and unloads a smart little shot. It doesn't trouble Rayner. Play-off status: super critical. Send for the priest.

17 mins - impsRAKE Updates!
Crawley 1, Exeter 1. Come on you spoon benders.

14 mins -
'One-nil down?' ponders Adam. 'Crap, that's bad. Nearly makes me worry for the promotion-via-playoffs charge.'

12 mins - GOAL!!!!! Barrow 1, Boston 0
McNulty squeezes a powerful ball past Rayner, who despite diving the right way can't keep it out. Arse. On the plus side, Bury are two goals up.

Rayner hauls down a Barrow forward, Jason Walker, and McNulty has a chance to put Barrow ahead. No complaints aboot that from Boston. Rayner is shown a yellow for his clumsy challenge.

11 mins -
Barrow raid forward again and Rayner is alert to cut out another dangerous looking cross.

10 mins - CHANCE!!
Henney whips in a dangerous cross, it flashes across the face of the goal but with no-one there to stab it in the ball trickles out of play. Phew!

6 mins -
Corner for Barrow as Bloomer nods a last ditch header away from danger. Crane clears the corner. Good lad.

4 mins -
Nicholls has a long range shot but it's safely gathered in by Boyd. A very quiet start. Makes a change, eh.

9.56pm - Kick-off!
Boston get us under way six days late. Still, it's given us all time to absorb Celtic's quite stunning victory at Barcelona. Which was even more surprising given they went a goal down so early on.

7.48pm -
Thank Lord for Minesweeper.

7.46pm -
The pitch is still empty.

7.45pm - Yawn.
Where the feck are the teams?

7.44pm - Legend:

7.40pm - The teams are in
And it makes interesting reading. Well, the Boston bit does anyway. Here ya go:

Barrow: Boyd, Deasy, Woodyart, Jones, McNulty, Elderton, Henny, Bond, Brown, Walker, Rogan
Thompson, Bayliss, Morris, Nelson, Scales

Rayner, Young Woody, Bloomer, Mr Anthony Crane, Lil'Thommo, Talbo-ARGH!, ex-Busted star James Bourne, O'Redcardohan, Nicholls, Stevenson, Rowan
Subs: Weaver, Leabon, Mensa! OK!, Joyce, Millson

No Foggatt then. Bit of a chop and change line up.
Very Rafa.

Preamble, in which impsTALK wibbles on a bit about tonight’s game before it suddenly and inexplicably diverts to start ranting about tonight’s documentary on Channel 4
Yep, hi folks – it’s Tuesday night football once more. You are welcome. Welcome. Most welcome. Can we stop talking about the play-offs now? Boston’s defeat to Harrogate on Saturday surely – surely - ended any tenuous hopes the Pilgrims harbored of sneaking hobo style onto the end-of-season extravaganza. Not that it would have mattered anyway, as it emerged last week that the Conference might not even accept the Pilgrims into the Conference Premier anyway. And that’s even if United somehow manage to dodge the winding up order currently brewing in the bubbling HMRC caldron. It’s all rather depressing if you think too much about it. So let’s not think about it.

Nevertheless, a victory this evening would probably have the eternal optimists gassing on about fifth place again in a depressing exercise of utter futility. A draw or a defeat, however, and that really is that. And I mean it this time. Finally. Over. Fin. End. Period. Full stop. Dead.

And is that victory likely? Well, on Saturday’s evidence, no. No it isn’t. According to impsTALK hack Adam Upsall, ‘we could have played until Tuesday and still not scored’ - although rather crucially Adam didn’t mention whether he meant the today’s Tuesday, or Tuesday 4 October 2012. Hope comes Tony Crane sized in the form of, ah, Tony Crane, who hopefully starts tonight. Mr Froggatt’s back might permit him to take to the field to dish out some hurt to the Barrow boys, but a win at Holker Street after a 25,652,126 mile trek cooped up in the back of a Sleafordian playing Top Trumps with Matt O’Redcardohan is still a tall order.

On the plus side, if tonight’s game is all over as a contest after the first half, you do have the option of watching tonight’s Channel Four show, in which the obscenely patronising ‘professional trouble shooter’ Kris Murrin gets to join the ever growing band of people portraying Boston as a parochial rural hellhole inhabited by buck-toothed fatty mentalists so obese, and so addicted to their cars, that they simply cannot comprehend the mere concept of walking – never mind being capable of the actual physical act of placing one foot in front of the other. Er, impsTALK might be a bit guilty of that too. But we’re from the town, so it doesn’t count.

Of course, Boston fans had their chance to listen to what Murrin had to say when she visited York Street last year last year. Somewhat predictably, she wasn’t received at all warmly. Some might term the response downright hostile. But then, what trouble is there to shoot, exactly? Many cars = congestion. Fewer cars = no congestion. It’s hardly rocket science (actually, resident impsTALK techie and road traffic guru Dr Ken Fox, who probably is a rocket scientist, might take me up on that point, but never trust a man who likes squirrels). No - what’s absent from this festering pile of dog filth masquerading as serious television is a thorough examination of the root causes: the UK’s criminally decrepit and embarrassingly anachronistic public transport for starters. And then, maybe, a look at our vast, labyrinthine out-of-town suburbs, most of which are off-limits to pedestrians and served by non-existent mass transit systems. Still, at least the producers of the show will have captured some solid gold material of sweaty chunkywunkies waddling down West Street and swearing at the camera crews while the presenter, a professional problem-solver, gets to express her faux-exasperation with the ignorant pot-bellied fecktards with funny accents clinging to their cars like the blinkered lower-class morons they truly are.

You could just stick the Champions League on.

That lot
But, hey, let’s not concern ourselves too much with the playoffs, or sh1t tv shows or Arsenal or suburban planning laws - for tonight we play Barrow, and a lot of Barrow fans, of course, don’t like Boston United very much at all. Consequently, we suppose we must reciprocate, although we really can’t summon up the energy to loathe Barrow at all. Boo. Barrow. Boo. That’ll do. As you all already know, Barrow’s dislike of Boston stems not, as you’d expect, from our flagrant disregard of financial good practice and the spirit of fair play over the last decade or so, but chiefly from a hatred of a window cleaner who last kicked a ball in anger for United over four years ago.

That said, bad feeling still lingers after a string of tetchy encounters with Barrow in the mid-1990s when the two sides went toe-to-toe in the struggle to establish themselves as, er, the Second Best Team in the Northern Premier League After Bamber Bridge (and who, frankly, would eschew that honour?). The most memorable of these games was Barrow’s thumping 5-3 win at York Street in 96/97 in which Bastock was sent off (to the delight of the visiting fans) and Chris Cook was cuffed by some vicious ruffian in the York Street goalmouth, to the delight of, well, no-one actually. You just don’t hit old men. Arf.

Sadly, Bastock is not between the sticks for United tonight, although apart from the entertainment value of his mere presence in Cumbria whipping the locals up into a pitchfork-wielding mob frenzy, that’s probably no bad thing. Bastock’s a fine keeper, but Simon Rayner (or Paul Raynor, as impsTALK recently called him) is better. He’ll surely be a busy man tonight.

impsTALK prediction
Gloomily, I can only predict this going badly wrong – Barrow 3, Boston 0. Still, it could be worse. We could have leprosy.

Barrow official site
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© impsTALK 2008