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all the action from Adams Park - LIVE(ish)
9.50pm - 'I also did a small dance, but let's not go there,' mumbles Upsall, and that's yer lot. This is the last minute by minute of the season, the primary reason being that it's impossible to write these reports when you're actually at a match. Thanks for all your e-mails, see you next season. If there is one. Pete
9.42pm - Live from Wycombe, Pat confirms that Alan Green WAS whinging, probably about the pea soup. 'Won't somebody think of the children!!!!' chirps Adam.
9.41pm - We've got the point, but now the recriminations come rolling in. 'Peter!!!' frowns Andy. 'Less of the bad language please! Think of the children, especially Hildred! Bastard ref!'
'YESSSSSSSSS get in, cannot complain about that. magic effort fellas,' cries Adam Upsall, no doubt punching the air in delight. 'Oh and he has a point Pete, you were shocking tonight. Have a word.'
9.36pm - Peep peep peeeeep!!!!!!!! Another fantastic point for Boston United, a result so unlikely that I'd have even endured a bowl of pea soup for it!
9.35pm - Green off for Galbraith.
9.35pm - Two minutes left. The Boston fans are singing away.
9.34pm - I have no nails remaining. Typing is agony.
9.33pm - Four fucking minutes of fucking injury fucking time?
9.32pm - The change is made, Joynes makes way for Rowntree, who is making his League debut.
9.31pm - Two minutes. Adam Rowntree is warming up!
9.30pm - Three minutes. Wycombe are persisting with their patient play.
9.29pm - 'Dear Impstalk,' begins Mark Isaac. 'My cat dragged in a small weasel with a scottish accent this evening with Standing Alone Ltd tattoed on its flank. What do you make of that? Crap commentary by the way. Please do your utmost to spin me. Rooster.'
9.27pm - Corner for Wycombe... headed away by Ellender... Boston are sitting deeper now. Five minues to go.
9.25pm - Evening, good result so far... If we can get a draw, or maybe even a win here, we then have a very winnable game home to Bury,' says Adam Hildred. He also helpfully includes a link to the latest BUFCST agenda, including, almost unbelievably, something about the AGM! Miracles do happen after all. Thanks Adam.
9.22pm - 'Elle out for two?' sighs Adam. 'I bet there are a few riding that line, i can genuinely see the situation coming up where we have 11 men and thats it. plus you would not put it past Steve to kick up a fuss and try and call a game off cause we don't have enough players....as long as we don't lose any points!'
9.18pm - Off comes Talbot, replaced by Cooksey. 'I have live and exclusive pic of Pat and Jim live from Adams Park,' writes Mick "The Bastard" Taylor:
9.15pm - We've not had a nil-nil on these reports yet. First time for everything. I'll take it, anyway. Meanwhile, Ellender receives his tenth booking of the season, thus incurring a two match suspension. That's okay. Boston's squad depth will serve up a replacement to seamlessly plug the gap.
9.13pm - Mansfield get a goal back.
9.11pm - Mansfield 0, Macclesfield 2 - We need this draw.
9.08pm - Broughton draws his inevitable booking as Dalton compliments the United wing-back formation. Admittedly, it worked magnificently at Mansfield, although the law of averages suggests such a tactical masterstroke was long overdue from Swagbag Krankie.
9.06pm - 'Can we nick this?' asks Adam. 'It would be typical Boston to do it with sod all players, no hope and no money.'
9.04pm - Broughton's long range effort bounces awkwardly in front of Young, and the Wanderers' keeper has to react smartly to keep the ball away from the lurking Joynes.
9.03pm - 143 Boston fans made the trip out of a total of 4,417, it is confirmed. A decent turnout, and they're being rewarded for their efforts with an extremely competent display.
8.58pm - Mansfield 0, Macclesfield 1. Isn't that the protest game, incidentally?
8.56pm - Another chance for Boston! Another cute little move from Boston, sparked by Drewe Broughton, culminates in another shot tonked narrowly wide by Joynes. Tony Grant is being replaced by Ainsworth. Grant sulks and strides off straight down the tunnel.
8.51pm - Ken again. 'No, no, no. It wasn't Pea Soup. It's just Pat's posh accent and his way of saying Piss Up. Pay attention, Pete, for crying out loud. Has Drewe been carded yet?'
8.50pm - Joynes almost sneaks through the Wycombe back line but Young is out to smother the danger.
8.48pm - The second half kicks off.
More news from the ground - It was pea soup, steak pie and meringue on Pat and Mat's plate as part of the 'Buy one, get one free' hospitality package at Adams Park this evening. Pea soup? Christ.
Mickey Nuttell's Hair - 'I'm back home and glued to the mac for updates! Did we put Gee on the bench?'
Peep peep peeeep! A smattering of boos at the whistle will be music to the ears of the United fans at Adams Park tonight. Good stuff from the Pilgrims. Let's just hope they won't sit deep in the second half, although realistically they might not have a choice with the situation on the bench. Might be another nail biter. Back in five.
8.30pm - Wycombe seem devoid of ideas, and if anything Boston can feel a little aggrieved not to be ahead. One minute of stoppage time to play.
8.25pm - 'Into conspiracies?' asks Kenny. 'Try this one: Take the words "Evans" and "Steve". Transpose the letters, take a few away, add some others, and it spells; cheating roadster. Coincidence? I don't think so. Think about it. You know I'm right. Make us a brew, Pete, there's a good chap.'
8.22pm - Jim Rosenthal and Alan Green eh? I bet Green's moaning about the coffee, how immoral it all is, and Jim is somehow managing to like like your uncle, even though none of your uncles look like him.
8.17pm - CHANCE!!!!! Fran ny Green squirms through the Wycombe back line, is forced a bit wide and his shot is spanked against the post by the covering defender, Scott Golbourne!
8.16pm - Right. back to the game. Nothing's happened. So back to the texts, and impsTALK has received a text message from Pat and Mat at Adams Park: 'Sat in front of Jim Rosenthal and Alan Green' they declare.
8.15pm - The normally mild-mannered Chris Cook launches into what is, for him, a fearsome tirade against Stewart Talbot. 'He needs to work harder for his money,' the ex-United legend slightly rages, in amongst other dark mutterings about how 'not quite good enough' Talbot is. Shiite Chris, be careful. You'll have the chairman and Swag bag paying you a visit in the morning!
8.13pm - Blasphemy! Public has been watching the BBC minute by minute.
'From the BBC Live Text commentary:
the corresponding game at York Street, how long before we see
8.09pm - Fucksticks, Wycombe break and it's only a last ditch tackle from Jamie Stevens, forcing the ball out for a corner, that prevents Wanderers from having a good chance to take the lead.
8.08pm - Wycombe are having a terrible time trying to clear their lines, gifting the ball to United several times in the last few minutes.
8.06pm - Mansfield 0-0 Macclesfield so far.
8.02pm - David Wardrobe of Friskney (I suspect that might not be his real name) writes: 'Wycombe are clearly rubbing BUFC's noses in it and cheating at the same time. We field three subs, they field 6. They should choose between Barnes and Homer. Homer is probably eating donuts and saying "d'oh" a lot anyway.'
7.58pm - What's this? A corner for Boston? It ends up safely in the hands of Young, but it's a promising start for the Pilgrims.
7.57pm - Poor old Craig Singleton's big moment in broadcasting, stepping in for the absent Chris Cook as emergency co-commentator, was scuppered by the arrival of Cook just as he drew breath to speak seconds into the game. That would have been interesting - United's press officer commentating on the game.
7.54pm - Chance for Franny Green! And it's a nice little passing move by Boston, culminating in Green's shot that flashes wide, again bringing the visiting Pilgrims fans to their feet. It doesn't take much these days. Just not slipping into liquidation will do.
7.52pm - Kenny O'Ken from Kilkenny takes issue with my comment about Jennifer Saunders. 'It's been well documented she's here purely for the comedy genius that is the Evans post-match interview. Stop telling fibs, you fib telling fibber-type,' he says.
7.51pm - About 100 or so Boston fans have made the trip.
7.46pm - And Franny Green immediately launches a long range effort that draws a few 'ooohs' from the Pilgrims fans. Corner to Wycombe though...
7.45pm - Kick off!
7.44pm - Dalton's been doing his research. It's two years since we last won three in a row.
7.36pm - Have I mentioned I'm off to Wembley tomorrow?
7.35pm - Here are the teams!
Wycombe:Young, Martin, Stockley, Crooks, Golbourne, Bloomfield, Doherty, Grant, Oakes, McGleish, Mooney
Subs: Barnes-Homer, Ainsworth, Onibuje, Christon, Palmer
Boston: Marriott, Clarke, Greaves, Cryan, Stevens, Farrell, Ellender, Talbot, Green, Joynes, Broughton
Subs: Cooksey, Galbraith, Rowntree
No real surprises - and that's a real difficult thing to admit when you look at the United bench. Dalton has just revealed that Jennifer Saunders is at tonight's game, and has just been on the pitch filming a segment for a new drama. We only hope to living shit it isn't series two of Jam and Jerusalem.
7.25pm - Drewe Broughton is speaking on Radio Lincs. After initially being sceptical of the Elbow Jabber's arrival, I'm won over. If you need evidence, his performance at Mansfield last week was nothing short of awesome. Nothing makes a fan happier than seeing a player really suffer for the cause of their team, and Drewe certainly did that at Field Mill. Indeed, at times I feared for his life. Exhausted doesn't come close. He’s not a pretty player by any means, but he’s effective and opposing players dread playing against him. Aside from that, he's a player who actually comes across extremely well in interviews. When most sound like sullen teenagers being summoned for a detention, utterly incapable of progressing beyond Neanderthal grunting about 'the lads' and unable to string together a sentence, Broughton is an eloquent and obviously intelligent speaker with interesting things to say. In short, he's proved me completely wrong. The fucker.
7.20pm - You know, lost in the carnival of cynicism on these pages is the fact that Boston United are tonight gunning for a third straight victory in League Two. In the circumstances, that's quite remarkable. It almost verges on the unprecedented - a statement I'd have more faith in if I'd bothered to trawl the databases. Regardless, I wouldn't want to credit Steve Evans for this so we'll simply thank the unusual alignment of Mars, Mercury and asteroid 111076 and move on....
7.15pm - 'The fans know that I'm always open and honest,' says the man recently convicted of conspiring to defraud the public revenue, with not a hint of irony.
7.00pm - 'Am out at a dinner tonight so am going to miss all the fun!' sobs socalledutdfan, who almost sounds genuinely upset that he/she isn't a desk-bound saddo for the evening. I wouldn't be too distraught, socalled. Really.
6.40pm - Let's start things off with a bang shall we? And you thought tales of cider-swilling BBC man Scott Dalton being found hopelessly sozzled in public were all just hysterical satire? Ha!
How times change. Tonight, I will be eschewing that wild past, as I have been doing for about seven years now, for an evening sat quietly at my desk, fending off a cat attempting to bring me a gift in the guise of a disemboweled rodent, listening to tonight’s ‘crucial Cup Final’ at Adams Park on the radio, nursing a nice cup of tea and listening to Coldplay at the interval. I’ll be trying desperately to think of jokes that are actually funnier than the real life Boston United while at the back of my mind I will be subject to a nagging feeling that I cannot quite believe it has all come to this.
For the Fizzy Shandy League - or, at least, a working party of £2k p/h consultants employed by the Fizzy Shandy League – have decreed that Friday night football is Real Football™ for Real Fans™. And since the idea emanated from a think tank of earnest suits, many clubs have opted to embrace the concept with a zeal one might not expect from a sport where the term ‘revolutionary’ is traditionally bequeathed upon the most trivial of changes - such as replacing chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles with curry flavour at the refreshment shed, for example. Or, it might just be that England are on the telly tomorrow.
Speaking of revolutionary, tonight may well see the debut of a revolutionary ‘3-2-1’ formation employed by Steve Evans, whose squad is shedding players so quickly that not even our esteemed local journos can keep up. The Lincolnshire Echo was reporting as late as Thursday morning that Albert Jarrett was a Boston United player, some 18 hours after Franchise Fucksticks FC had officially unveiled him as one of their own. Mind you, on a story about the takeover saga, the marvellous Echo website promised the full lowdown on Standing Alone Ltd if only the reader might turn to page 39, which is a very handy bit of information on a website.
Meanwhile, United’s potential saviours seem to have learned absolutely nothing from the calamitous clowns behind the Lavaflow circus, issuing a couple of alarmingly contradictory and aggressive press statements over the last few days. I mean, if you’re a bunch of property vultures cum venture capitalist parasites hell-bent on stripping a close-knit community of one of its most precious assets under the tenuous, albeit slightly worthy, premise of ‘saving’ said asset from the recycling dustbin, you’d at least attempt to play the media in the right way to fool the fans into backing you, and not an alternative organisation set up specifically to achieve the opposite of what you want - right? Of course, it’s entirely plausible that fears about this shady gang of salvagers were allayed on page 39 of yesterday’s Lincolnshire Echo, but alas we exiles shall never know.
So, Evans says one thing, the potential owners say another. Or are they now the owners? Is Rodwell still pulling the strings? Did he ever pull the strings? Who knows. What is clear that this is a club that is dying on its arse, not so much imploding as slowly and inexorably sagging and deflating in the middle like a cheap, fat-filled Co-op sausage punctured by a fork. Actually, if Boston United could afford to bring in a cheap Co-Op sausage on an emergency loan deal, it’d probably start in defence. It really is that desperate. But they can’t, and besides, didn’t you know the deadline passed with no new signings?
All this has been compounded by the rather startling revelation from United legend and BBC co-commentator Chris Cook that he has been told to be ‘careful’ what he says after Big Brother heard him ‘passing the mark’, which tells you all you need to know about the bandits in charge at the club for whom, it must be said, we have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Perhaps it’s because the Krankies realise Chris Cook represents the Boston United we all knew and loved, a team that sadly died a number of years ago, far from perfect, but nothing likes the hollow, rancid husk that purports to be the Pilgrims these days.
of which makes me very gloomy indeed. So gloomy, in fact, that the incessant
squawking from Swagbag Krankie has been relegated to mere white noise
now, the problems at the club now transcending whatever negative influence
his presence has at York Street. So let’s get this over and done
with so I can crack open a bottle of Batemans and look forward to my
trip to the new Wembley tomorrow.
Early season promise was complimented - or crushed, depending on your point of view - by a dazzling run through to the semi-finals of the Carling Cup. Wanderers defeated Fulham and Charlton on Premiership turf en route to what might prove the highlight of their season, a 1-1 draw with Chelsea eight weeks ago.
Since then, inconsistency has seen Paul Lambert’s men slip, slowly but surely, down the table. Such erratic form was typified earlier this month with Wycombe beating our fellow strugglers Macclesfield 3-0, but inexplicably losing at bottom club Torquay by the same margin just seven days later.
form is formidable – just the one defeat this season at the hands
of the Imps – and with time running out rapidly, the Pilgrims
are exactly the kind of team they’ll need to be roughing up for
a fair few goals if they’re to fend off Darlington and Shrewsbury
for that play-off place. Perhaps more ominously for United, Wycombe
have conceded a measly nine league goals at Adams Park all season. It’s
gonna be a toughie – Jermaine Easter or no Jermaine Easter.
© impsTALK 2007