that's yer lot impsTALK rates that as probably about as depressing
as the Rochdale tonking. Oh, yeah, sure, today wasn't a league defeat,
but let's face facts - we're relegated, and we're out of every cup now.
So all we have to look forward is our imminent relegation. In fact,
that's the BEST we can hope for, since we're on the verge of liquidation.
Great work Steve Evans, you are a true legend! A real King! A real Messiah!
All hail! Thanks for your e-mails. Until next time.....
Predict the Steve Evans Interview! Andy's entry:-
"The investment I was promised this week didn't materialise, so
I've been working with my hands tied behind my back"
we'll be looking to bring in one or two faces next week"
reference to Bournemouth beating Man Utd several years ago as if to
portray them as a 'big club' that Utd never had any chance of competing
Thank God "Thank God that's over!" sighs Adam.
"Over to Steve for the 'individual errors and injuries count!"
Summing up - Sack Steve Evans. The message, Jimmy,
is loud and clear. Sack Steve Evans, you lame duck, spineless no-hoper.
But you can't can you? Why don't you just admit it: you're a puppet,
you're toothless, you're a lapdog in every sense of the word. No longer
can you sit by and allow this joke of a manager to allow OUR team to
shuffle and shamble around the country and put up this kind of farcical
performance. But you will.
You and your cronies are comedians. I give in.
PEEP PEEP PEEEEEP! It's all over on the south coast and Boston
have been well and truly bum-shagged by a team that haven't won since
September 9th. It's going from bad to worse for Boston, who are getting
more pathetic by the week.
90+2 mins - GOAL! A 45 yard majestic screamer from Hollands
caps off Bournemouth's rout of an absolutely tragic Boston.
90 mins Three minutes of added time. So who's going to
do the post-match interview today? I'm putting my money on them trying
something *really* outrageous, and sending Gee out there to see what
Scott has to say about his brother," says Andy.
89 mins - Subs Bournemouth sub Hart on for Foley
86 mins - Another chance for Hayter! Come on Bournemouth, you've
got your second round berth, just let us go home with a three nil, eh?
84 mins - I think I just heard Dalton saying 'It's 2-1 at Lincoln'
so we assume the imps have pulled one back. The United fans are giving
Evans a 'right going over' according to the local commentator. How much
of a going over can fifty people give, we wonder?
83 mins - The BBC Radio Solent boys have the same opinion of
Boston United as every other neutral this season: they're laughing.
82 mins - Boston have done NOTHING. "My spies tell
me there are a LOT of very disgruntled United fans down at Tattershall
Road today, enjoying the Town result a lot but the Utd result even more.
Not many kind words for Steve Evans being exchanged down there, by all
82 mins - impsTALK has switched to BBC Radio Solent, now that
Lincs have abandoned the Pilgrims to their crap defeat, and can clearly
hear Scott Dalton laughing away in the background, his afternoon's work
more or less done. That's my licence fee Dalton! Get working!
78 mins - Mick excitedly writes to say: "I can exclusively
reveal who were behind the 3rd kit!"
Boston United 3rd team kit
Haywords Heath Town FC
73 mins - Controversial Did anyone else just notice Chris Cook's
thinly-veiled 'Boston need to sack their manager' soundbite, saying
Kevin Bond's appointment showed how changes of manager really can turn
things round. He may as well have yelled 'HINT HINT!!' into the headset
at that point.
72 mins - "I would advise Johnny to choose Thursday's
Mark Radcliffe show. The guest was WORD editor, Mark Ellen. Always a
good laugh when it's the two of them. Anyone got any tips on which 70's
Dr Who DVD I can buy to frighten my 5 year old son? (He's never seen
any of the originals) Ghost Of Bob Cumming PS You haven't mentioned
that the Imps are going out the cup too. We're officially the worst
ever Cup side of all time."
70 mins - Ken won't be enjoying that warm fuzzy feeling
today "Bought two bottles of Bateman’s Victory
Ale in Morrisons this morning.Supposed to be drinking them to celebrate
a victory. L"
66 mins - Ok, time for Predict the Steve Evans Interview!
For our turn, impsTALK predicts the line: 'We'll get back on the training
pitch on Monday and work hard ahead of the game against [insert tinpot
League Two side here]'
65 mins - 4263 attendance.
64 mins - Broughton speeds past his marker, finds himself one-on-one
with Moss and............. sends the ball into the arms of the home
keeper. What a class act.
62 mins - "5-1 now - Bull hat-trick and Paul Goodhand
before half-time, and now Jon Rowan has scored," says Andy,
as Town appear to romp to another victory.
60 mins - The hour is up And we still have half an hour of
this shit to get through. The criminal cheating fraudster, who laughably
reckons he has a 'proven track record' and is begging to be 'judged
on results', really managed to get his team up for the fight today,
57 mins - GOAL! Hayter scores to make it 3-0 and Boston's FA
Cup dreams are deader than the All Saints big comeback.
55 mins - Anyway, back to the game Well, I say game, but in
effect it's a practice session for the home side as Boston amble around
in that half-arsed fashion they've patented over the last two seasons.
53 mins - Mick send his thoughts - and a quick sketch "Steve
Evans and Lavaflow have realised the importance of the problem and have
just released the following publication to help the fans through these
troubled times. Available at all good bookshops (except the high St
ones) only £29.99. Get yours now, while stocks last! Steve Evans
will be doing a book signing at the New England Hotel all day tomorrow!"
48 mins - And the Shit Headline Award goes to....... the
(again). What's most concerning is Evans' statement: ""At
the moment, all loan deals are being made with a permanent switch in
mind." Yes Steve, of course they are. Like Middlesborough want
to let you sign their young lad, you know, the one they wouldn't let
you play in the FA Cup. Not to mention that 'highly rated' Ipswich bloke
we can't remember the name of who you've NO CHANCE of signing on a permanent
deal. So when they head off back in a month, and Maylett's gone for
good, and you're moaning about your small squad again, you're expecting
45 mins - ...and we're off.....
Substitute - Elding comes on for Franny Green.
Lincolnshire Team in Not Losing Shocker - "And just
to make everything in the world perfect, my network of spies and moles
tell me Town are winning 4-1 at half time too. One team in Boston, there's
only one team in Boston..." sings Andy. The
second half of Boston's first round defeat is set to resume any time
Comedy clowns part 2 - "The trouble with that question
is that Radcliffe is trying to be funny, Swagbag isn't. The latter tends
to be funnier for the rest of us," Johnny points out.
At least someone is happy - Andy's day is getting better and
better. "The sun has come out! Definitely an day for an afternoon
down the Jersey Shore now! Let's see how 'Mr Motivator' does weaving
his half-time magic - I'll give it 5 minutes before Broughton is sent
off and Elding gets ignored as his replacement."
Comedy clowns - "If I keep in touch with our
defeat via your page every couple of minutes, that means I can choose
one of Mark Radcliffe's programmes that I missed last week on listen
again instead of Scott's commentary," toots Johnny. Indeed
you can, although who is funnier? Swagbag or Radcliffe?
Half time - "We've struggled to cope with the quality
of Bournemouth's football," says Chris Cook. Quality? Five straight
defeats? No win in eleven? Hey Steve, you know you said about being
judged on results and all that....
45 mins - Just a minute of injury time "Why does a
team playing Steve Evans 'sexy football' - i.e. hoofball - care about
the condition of the pitch? It's not as if the ball is going to be on
it when they have possession or anything. He should be more worried
about turbulence or swirling winds... " points out Andy.
44 mins - If Boston United drag themselves back into this game,
impsTALK will give up Batemans for a month. Shit, no,
scratch that. A week. impsTALK will give up Batemans for a week.
44 mins - "Think I'll go for the M-Fil. Now, so many
strings to choose from..." says Adam.
43 mins - GOAL! And we're done. Steve Fletcher bags his second
of the afternoon another decent header after he simply pushes the stagnant
United defender out of the way. Easy, easy, easy.
39 mins - About 50 BUFC fans made the trip, which is a decent
enough turnout in the current circumstances.
32 mins - Have Boston had a real chance yet? No. Steve TOLD
us the pitch was too good. Same old Cherries, always cheating, eh Stevie?
31 mins - "In fact, we're weighing up whether to go
here for tea tonight," says Andy. Yet more choices.
30 mins - ...whereas the MilFil Pro IS cheaper
and the M-Fil (Multi Filament) is a technology that incorporates a unique
patented 3D braiding process to enhance the touch and feel of the racket
28 mins - Well Adam, that's certainly an interesting one. On
the one hand, the Ice Custom Elite might be the best choice. Internally
Cooled Engineering (ICE, stoopid) involves rapidly cooling
the racket when it is manufactured for a more uniform frame construction.
This maximises stiffness and power as well as minimising torsional movement
for ultimate touch and control.....
26 mins - Boston are still losing but we have bigger issues to deal
with. "No, I walk to the squash club," says
Adam, before posing an intriguing dilemma. "My racket broke
though, I need a new one. Should I go for the 'Dunlop Ice Tour Custom
Elite' or the 'Dunlop M-Fil Pro'?"
23 mins - E-mail time "Slightly overcast
here in New Jersey," says Andy. "I've just had some
toast with Silver Shred lemon marmalade for my breakfast, that I bought
from the English food store in Montclair, NJ the other day. Can you
believe it costs $6 a jar? But then a packet of Hobnobs costs $4 there
too. We might go for a drive down to the seaside this afternoon. Are
Utd losing yet?
21 mins - Elsewhere, Gainsborough are a goal down
at home to Barnet.
20 mins - Great save by Marriott! The Boston keeper pulls off
another fine save from Fletcher's effort - more magic
from Anderton, who is roaming around and punting in decent crosses at
19 mins - Green forces a corner, and Drewe Broughton's header
flies just over the bay. He's still not been sent off.
17 mins - Ex-Boston target and potential publicity stunt signing
Darren Anderton is bossing the midfield.
15 mins - Seeing Red The question really isn't so much about
whether Boston will perform a miracle and force a replay. No. The real
issue is this: will Drewe Broughton survive the game without getting
14 mins - ....and United have had precisely 0 attempts on goal.
12 mins - CHANCE! Hayter tries a long range effort, his effort
is tipped round the post by Marriott. The resulting corner comes to
6 mins - Two more chances in quick succession for the Cherries. Remember,
this is a side who are playing worse than Boston, suffering five straight
defeats on the bounce coming into today's game.
5 mins - GOAL! Pay attention Boston. Steve Fletcher outjumps
Paul Ellender to nod the home side into the lead, a mere two minutes
after he tried to do exactly the same thing. The FA Cup is already providing
a great distraction from our League woes, eh?
3 mins - An early chance for Steve Fletcher. 'They like to
play a bit,' says Dalton. Steve Evans appeared to be complaining that
the pitch as almost TOO good prior to kick off. Keep cranking 'em out
Kick off! - We're underway at Dean Court. Wowee.
.....aaaaaaaaaaaaanndddddd the Cherries - Moss, Purches, Young,
Maher, Bertrand, Cork, Anderton, Hollands, Foley, Fletcher, Hayter Subs:
Songo'o, Gowling, Stewart, Pitman, Hart. 3-5-2
or 4-4-2? The Bournemouth lads are arguing over what formation they're
going to play, and are surprised that Moss has been recalled.
So he's evidently a dodgy keeper. Bertrand and Cork are making
their home debuts.
Boston team - Marriott, Clarke, Albrighton, Ellender, Ryan,
N'Guesson, Greaves, Galbraith, Holland, Broughton, Green Subs: Ryan,
Doughty, Farrell, Stevens, Elding
Concerning - The first picture of the day arrives
from mystery stalker Igor Mugfret-Fishhead, and yet another death threat....
Who IS sending this stuff? Don't forget to send your
e-mails and pictures to the usual
Think green - "My squash racket is made of carbon,"
boasts Adam Hildred. Good for you Adam. Do you drive to play squash
in an oversized SUV, or drive your lentil-bake powered eco-cart over
to Peter Paine?
Live commentary - Don't forget that today's game is being streamed
live over the internet by the BBC, rendering this whole exercise
a complete waste of time.
Getting older - 'Is it really ten years since Morcambe?'
socalledutdfan says elsewhere. Hard to believe, isn't it? Ten years
since my Leroy Chambers banner graced the Main Stand.
Boston - On the other hand, Boston have been, frankly, shite.
Evans will harp on and on about our 'thrashing' of Swindon in last season's
run, however impsTALK was witness to their 7-1 defeat against a goal-shy
Nottingham Forest and can confirm Swindon were utterly, utterly useless.
2005: 1st Round: 2-2 v Swindon (4-1 R) 2nd Round: 1-2
2004: 1st Round: 5-2 v Hornchurch 2nd Round:
3-2 v Hereford 3rd Round: 0-0 v Hartlepool (0-1 R)
2003: 1st Round: 0-3 v Macclesfield
2002: 1st Round: 2-3 v Northampton
2001: 1st Round: 0-1 v Brigg
Bournemouth - Some extremely impressive cup runs in recent
years that have seen the south coast team make it to the fourth round
twice. Last year, however, saw them suffer a shock
at the hands of tinpot Tamworth.
2005 - 1st Round: 1-2 v Tamworth
2004 - 1st Round: 1-1 v Forest Green (3-1 R) 2nd round:
2-1 v Carlisle 3rd Round: 2-1 v Chester
4th Round: 0-2 v Burnley
2003 -1st Round: 1-0 v Briston R 2nd Round: 1-1
v Accrington (0-0 R, Accrington progress on penalties)
2002: 1st Round: 2-1 v Doncaster 2nd round: 1-1
v Southend (3-2 R) 3rd Round: 0-0 v Crewe (2v2 R,
Bournemouth progress on penalties) 4th Round: 0-3
2001: 1st Round: 3-0 v Worksop 2nd Round: 0-1
Preamble - Afternoon folks. It's that time of year again. Yes,
it’s the FA Cup. But sod the ‘magic’ of the cup and
all that crap. No, what makes this blasted competition so great is that
tonight we have one of those three hour long Match of the Day specials
to look forward to.
In days of yore, it was this very show that gave Pilgrims fans such
motivation to cheer on the team in the qualifying rounds, since it was
the only time you’d ever see Boston on the television. I distinctly
remember taping our brief appearance on MOTD ten years ago when we tonked
Morecambe and watching the goals back again for a whole week afterwards,
amazed that this was BOSTON on the tv
Obviously, we’ve made massive progress since then, and only a
week ago Boston United were popping up on Fox News in America after
Crazee Jimmy forgot to sack Steve Evans. Indeed, barely a day passes
when we’re NOT on the box, so tonight’s twenty-second appearance
on MOTD will probably not have the lure it once did. Right, lets take
a look at some stats……
Pre-preamble - Bournemouth v Boston – LIVE!
You literally cannot move these days without being made to
feel guilty about carbon footprints, carbon emissions, carbon rationing,
carbon dating, carbon fibre, carbon copies, carbon this, carbon that.
Like that pesky patch of greenery in South America, it just won’t
go away, with us greedy Westerners set to make massive sacrifices in
the coming decades.
The prospect of having one’s personal freedom curtailed in order
to save the planet is certainly a sobering one. When the day inevitably
arrives when an individual will be restricted to a mere nine thousand
tonnes of carbon emissions annually, which of us is going to waste their
allowance driving around following Boston United? The choice will be
a stark one: you either blow a lifetime’s worth of carbon rations
on one last flight to Sydney, or let them dribble away as you trundle
down to the Boardsides LavaDome in your diesel-hybrid tricycle. Not
exactly a difficult choice.
Today’s game at Bournemouth in the Energy Mega-Corp FA Cup gives
Pilgrims fans ample opportunity to prepare for that day, presenting
to them a bleak reality check. How can you possibly justify the mindless
excess of further polluting our already fragile ecosystem simply to
watch a team led a criminal, run by a clown and bedecked in the most
hideous soccer apparel in recorded history slump to another ignominious
first round exit in a dull Lego stadium on the south coast?
The answer: you can’t.
Be ethical, save the environment and join Uncle impsTALK for an afternoon
of low carbon-footprint football supporting.