And that's yer lot impsTALK rates that as probably about as depressing as the Rochdale tonking. Oh, yeah, sure, today wasn't a league defeat, but let's face facts - we're relegated, and we're out of every cup now. So all we have to look forward is our imminent relegation. In fact, that's the BEST we can hope for, since we're on the verge of liquidation. Great work Steve Evans, you are a true legend! A real King! A real Messiah! All hail! Thanks for your e-mails. Until next time.....

Predict the Steve Evans Interview! Andy's entry:-

"The investment I was promised this week didn't materialise, so I've been working with my hands tied behind my back"

"Obviously we'll be looking to bring in one or two faces next week"

Or some reference to Bournemouth beating Man Utd several years ago as if to portray them as a 'big club' that Utd never had any chance of competing with.

Thank God "Thank God that's over!" sighs Adam. "Over to Steve for the 'individual errors and injuries count!"

Summing up - Sack Steve Evans. The message, Jimmy, is loud and clear. Sack Steve Evans, you lame duck, spineless no-hoper. But you can't can you? Why don't you just admit it: you're a puppet, you're toothless, you're a lapdog in every sense of the word. No longer can you sit by and allow this joke of a manager to allow OUR team to shuffle and shamble around the country and put up this kind of farcical performance. But you will.

You and your cronies are comedians. I give in.

PEEP PEEP PEEEEEP! It's all over on the south coast and Boston have been well and truly bum-shagged by a team that haven't won since September 9th. It's going from bad to worse for Boston, who are getting more pathetic by the week.

90+2 mins - GOAL! A 45 yard majestic screamer from Hollands caps off Bournemouth's rout of an absolutely tragic Boston.

90 mins Three minutes of added time. So who's going to do the post-match interview today? I'm putting my money on them trying something *really* outrageous, and sending Gee out there to see what Scott has to say about his brother," says Andy.

89 mins - Subs Bournemouth sub Hart on for Foley

86 mins - Another chance for Hayter! Come on Bournemouth, you've got your second round berth, just let us go home with a three nil, eh? Please?

84 mins - I think I just heard Dalton saying 'It's 2-1 at Lincoln' so we assume the imps have pulled one back. The United fans are giving Evans a 'right going over' according to the local commentator. How much of a going over can fifty people give, we wonder?

83 mins - The BBC Radio Solent boys have the same opinion of Boston United as every other neutral this season: they're laughing.

82 mins - Boston have done NOTHING. "My spies tell me there are a LOT of very disgruntled United fans down at Tattershall Road today, enjoying the Town result a lot but the Utd result even more. Not many kind words for Steve Evans being exchanged down there, by all accounts... "

82 mins - impsTALK has switched to BBC Radio Solent, now that Lincs have abandoned the Pilgrims to their crap defeat, and can clearly hear Scott Dalton laughing away in the background, his afternoon's work more or less done. That's my licence fee Dalton! Get working!

78 mins - Mick excitedly writes to say: "I can exclusively reveal who were behind the 3rd kit!"

Boston United 3rd team kit

Haywords Heath Town FC

73 mins - Controversial Did anyone else just notice Chris Cook's thinly-veiled 'Boston need to sack their manager' soundbite, saying Kevin Bond's appointment showed how changes of manager really can turn things round. He may as well have yelled 'HINT HINT!!' into the headset at that point.

72 mins - "I would advise Johnny to choose Thursday's Mark Radcliffe show. The guest was WORD editor, Mark Ellen. Always a good laugh when it's the two of them. Anyone got any tips on which 70's Dr Who DVD I can buy to frighten my 5 year old son? (He's never seen any of the originals) Ghost Of Bob Cumming PS You haven't mentioned that the Imps are going out the cup too. We're officially the worst ever Cup side of all time."

70 mins - Ken won't be enjoying that warm fuzzy feeling today "Bought two bottles of Bateman’s Victory Ale in Morrisons this morning.Supposed to be drinking them to celebrate a victory. L"


66 mins - Ok, time for Predict the Steve Evans Interview! For our turn, impsTALK predicts the line: 'We'll get back on the training pitch on Monday and work hard ahead of the game against [insert tinpot League Two side here]'

65 mins - 4263 attendance.

64 mins - Broughton speeds past his marker, finds himself one-on-one with Moss and............. sends the ball into the arms of the home keeper. What a class act.

62 mins - "5-1 now - Bull hat-trick and Paul Goodhand before half-time, and now Jon Rowan has scored," says Andy, as Town appear to romp to another victory.

60 mins - The hour is up And we still have half an hour of this shit to get through. The criminal cheating fraudster, who laughably reckons he has a 'proven track record' and is begging to be 'judged on results', really managed to get his team up for the fight today, didn't he?

57 mins - GOAL! Hayter scores to make it 3-0 and Boston's FA Cup dreams are deader than the All Saints big comeback.

55 mins - Anyway, back to the game Well, I say game, but in effect it's a practice session for the home side as Boston amble around in that half-arsed fashion they've patented over the last two seasons.

53 mins - Mick send his thoughts - and a quick sketch "Steve Evans and Lavaflow have realised the importance of the problem and have just released the following publication to help the fans through these troubled times. Available at all good bookshops (except the high St ones) only £29.99. Get yours now, while stocks last! Steve Evans will be doing a book signing at the New England Hotel all day tomorrow!"


48 mins - And the Shit Headline Award goes to....... the Echo (again). What's most concerning is Evans' statement: ""At the moment, all loan deals are being made with a permanent switch in mind." Yes Steve, of course they are. Like Middlesborough want to let you sign their young lad, you know, the one they wouldn't let you play in the FA Cup. Not to mention that 'highly rated' Ipswich bloke we can't remember the name of who you've NO CHANCE of signing on a permanent deal. So when they head off back in a month, and Maylett's gone for good, and you're moaning about your small squad again, you're expecting sympathy.... right?

45 mins - ...and we're off.....

Substitute - Elding comes on for Franny Green.

Lincolnshire Team in Not Losing Shocker - "And just to make everything in the world perfect, my network of spies and moles tell me Town are winning 4-1 at half time too. One team in Boston, there's only one team in Boston..." sings Andy. The second half of Boston's first round defeat is set to resume any time now.

Comedy clowns part 2 - "The trouble with that question is that Radcliffe is trying to be funny, Swagbag isn't. The latter tends to be funnier for the rest of us," Johnny points out.

At least someone is happy - Andy's day is getting better and better. "The sun has come out! Definitely an day for an afternoon down the Jersey Shore now! Let's see how 'Mr Motivator' does weaving his half-time magic - I'll give it 5 minutes before Broughton is sent off and Elding gets ignored as his replacement."

Comedy clowns - "If I keep in touch with our defeat via your page every couple of minutes, that means I can choose one of Mark Radcliffe's programmes that I missed last week on listen again instead of Scott's commentary," toots Johnny. Indeed you can, although who is funnier? Swagbag or Radcliffe?

Half time - "We've struggled to cope with the quality of Bournemouth's football," says Chris Cook. Quality? Five straight defeats? No win in eleven? Hey Steve, you know you said about being judged on results and all that....

45 mins - Just a minute of injury time "Why does a team playing Steve Evans 'sexy football' - i.e. hoofball - care about the condition of the pitch? It's not as if the ball is going to be on it when they have possession or anything. He should be more worried about turbulence or swirling winds... " points out Andy.

44 mins - If Boston United drag themselves back into this game, impsTALK will give up Batemans for a month. Shit, no, scratch that. A week. impsTALK will give up Batemans for a week.

44 mins - "Think I'll go for the M-Fil. Now, so many strings to choose from..." says Adam.

43 mins - GOAL! And we're done. Steve Fletcher bags his second of the afternoon another decent header after he simply pushes the stagnant United defender out of the way. Easy, easy, easy.

39 mins - About 50 BUFC fans made the trip, which is a decent enough turnout in the current circumstances.

32 mins - Have Boston had a real chance yet? No. Steve TOLD us the pitch was too good. Same old Cherries, always cheating, eh Stevie?

31 mins - "In fact, we're weighing up whether to go here for tea tonight," says Andy. Yet more choices.


30 mins - ...whereas the MilFil Pro IS cheaper and the M-Fil (Multi Filament) is a technology that incorporates a unique patented 3D braiding process to enhance the touch and feel of the racket at impact.

28 mins - Well Adam, that's certainly an interesting one. On the one hand, the Ice Custom Elite might be the best choice. Internally Cooled Engineering (ICE, stoopid) involves rapidly cooling the racket when it is manufactured for a more uniform frame construction. This maximises stiffness and power as well as minimising torsional movement for ultimate touch and control.....

26 mins - Boston are still losing but we have bigger issues to deal with. "No, I walk to the squash club," says Adam, before posing an intriguing dilemma. "My racket broke though, I need a new one. Should I go for the 'Dunlop Ice Tour Custom Elite' or the 'Dunlop M-Fil Pro'?"

23 mins - E-mail time "Slightly overcast here in New Jersey," says Andy. "I've just had some toast with Silver Shred lemon marmalade for my breakfast, that I bought from the English food store in Montclair, NJ the other day. Can you believe it costs $6 a jar? But then a packet of Hobnobs costs $4 there too. We might go for a drive down to the seaside this afternoon. Are Utd losing yet?

21 mins - Elsewhere, Gainsborough are a goal down at home to Barnet.

20 mins - Great save by Marriott! The Boston keeper pulls off another fine save from Fletcher's effort - more magic from Anderton, who is roaming around and punting in decent crosses at will.

19 mins - Green forces a corner, and Drewe Broughton's header flies just over the bay. He's still not been sent off.

17 mins - Ex-Boston target and potential publicity stunt signing Darren Anderton is bossing the midfield.

15 mins - Seeing Red The question really isn't so much about whether Boston will perform a miracle and force a replay. No. The real issue is this: will Drewe Broughton survive the game without getting sent off?

14 mins - ....and United have had precisely 0 attempts on goal.

12 mins - CHANCE! Hayter tries a long range effort, his effort is tipped round the post by Marriott. The resulting corner comes to nothing.

6 mins - Two more chances in quick succession for the Cherries. Remember, this is a side who are playing worse than Boston, suffering five straight defeats on the bounce coming into today's game.

5 mins - GOAL! Pay attention Boston. Steve Fletcher outjumps Paul Ellender to nod the home side into the lead, a mere two minutes after he tried to do exactly the same thing. The FA Cup is already providing a great distraction from our League woes, eh?

3 mins - An early chance for Steve Fletcher. 'They like to play a bit,' says Dalton. Steve Evans appeared to be complaining that the pitch as almost TOO good prior to kick off. Keep cranking 'em out Stevie!

Kick off! - We're underway at Dean Court. Wowee.

.....aaaaaaaaaaaaanndddddd the Cherries - Moss, Purches, Young, Maher, Bertrand, Cork, Anderton, Hollands, Foley, Fletcher, Hayter Subs: Songo'o, Gowling, Stewart, Pitman, Hart. 3-5-2 or 4-4-2? The Bournemouth lads are arguing over what formation they're going to play, and are surprised that Moss has been recalled. So he's evidently a dodgy keeper. Bertrand and Cork are making their home debuts.

Boston team - Marriott, Clarke, Albrighton, Ellender, Ryan, N'Guesson, Greaves, Galbraith, Holland, Broughton, Green Subs: Ryan, Doughty, Farrell, Stevens, Elding

Concerning - The first picture of the day arrives from mystery stalker Igor Mugfret-Fishhead, and yet another death threat....

Who IS sending this stuff? Don't forget to send your e-mails and pictures to the usual address.

Think green - "My squash racket is made of carbon," boasts Adam Hildred. Good for you Adam. Do you drive to play squash in an oversized SUV, or drive your lentil-bake powered eco-cart over to Peter Paine?

Live commentary - Don't forget that today's game is being streamed live over the internet by the BBC, rendering this whole exercise a complete waste of time.

Getting older - 'Is it really ten years since Morcambe?' socalledutdfan says elsewhere. Hard to believe, isn't it? Ten years since my Leroy Chambers banner graced the Main Stand.

Boston - On the other hand, Boston have been, frankly, shite. Evans will harp on and on about our 'thrashing' of Swindon in last season's run, however impsTALK was witness to their 7-1 defeat against a goal-shy Nottingham Forest and can confirm Swindon were utterly, utterly useless.

2005: 1st Round: 2-2 v Swindon (4-1 R) 2nd Round: 1-2 v Doncaster

2004: 1st Round: 5-2 v Hornchurch 2nd Round: 3-2 v Hereford 3rd Round: 0-0 v Hartlepool (0-1 R)

2003: 1st Round: 0-3 v Macclesfield

2002: 1st Round: 2-3 v Northampton

2001: 1st Round: 0-1 v Brigg

Bournemouth - Some extremely impressive cup runs in recent years that have seen the south coast team make it to the fourth round twice. Last year, however, saw them suffer a shock at the hands of tinpot Tamworth.

2005 - 1st Round: 1-2 v Tamworth

2004 - 1st Round: 1-1 v Forest Green (3-1 R) 2nd round: 2-1 v Carlisle 3rd Round: 2-1 v Chester 4th Round: 0-2 v Burnley

2003 -1st Round: 1-0 v Briston R 2nd Round: 1-1 v Accrington (0-0 R, Accrington progress on penalties)

2002: 1st Round: 2-1 v Doncaster 2nd round: 1-1 v Southend (3-2 R) 3rd Round: 0-0 v Crewe (2v2 R, Bournemouth progress on penalties) 4th Round: 0-3 v Stoke

2001: 1st Round: 3-0 v Worksop 2nd Round: 0-1 v Peterborough

Preamble - Afternoon folks. It's that time of year again. Yes, it’s the FA Cup. But sod the ‘magic’ of the cup and all that crap. No, what makes this blasted competition so great is that tonight we have one of those three hour long Match of the Day specials to look forward to.

In days of yore, it was this very show that gave Pilgrims fans such motivation to cheer on the team in the qualifying rounds, since it was the only time you’d ever see Boston on the television. I distinctly remember taping our brief appearance on MOTD ten years ago when we tonked Morecambe and watching the goals back again for a whole week afterwards, amazed that this was BOSTON on the tv

Obviously, we’ve made massive progress since then, and only a week ago Boston United were popping up on Fox News in America after Crazee Jimmy forgot to sack Steve Evans. Indeed, barely a day passes when we’re NOT on the box, so tonight’s twenty-second appearance on MOTD will probably not have the lure it once did. Right, lets take a look at some stats……

Pre-preamble - Bournemouth v Boston – LIVE!

You literally cannot move these days without being made to feel guilty about carbon footprints, carbon emissions, carbon rationing, carbon dating, carbon fibre, carbon copies, carbon this, carbon that. Like that pesky patch of greenery in South America, it just won’t go away, with us greedy Westerners set to make massive sacrifices in the coming decades.

The prospect of having one’s personal freedom curtailed in order to save the planet is certainly a sobering one. When the day inevitably arrives when an individual will be restricted to a mere nine thousand tonnes of carbon emissions annually, which of us is going to waste their allowance driving around following Boston United? The choice will be a stark one: you either blow a lifetime’s worth of carbon rations on one last flight to Sydney, or let them dribble away as you trundle down to the Boardsides LavaDome in your diesel-hybrid tricycle. Not exactly a difficult choice.

Today’s game at Bournemouth in the Energy Mega-Corp FA Cup gives Pilgrims fans ample opportunity to prepare for that day, presenting to them a bleak reality check. How can you possibly justify the mindless excess of further polluting our already fragile ecosystem simply to watch a team led a criminal, run by a clown and bedecked in the most hideous soccer apparel in recorded history slump to another ignominious first round exit in a dull Lego stadium on the south coast?

The answer: you can’t.

Be ethical, save the environment and join Uncle impsTALK for an afternoon of low carbon-footprint football supporting.

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