BLACKBURN’S A-Z – EXCLUSIVE!
he's not bankrolling trips to Spain or pub teams to 9th place in the
Northern Premier League, Bradford Park Avenue (1988) Ltd chairman
Robert Blackburn, or 'The General' as he is known to a bunch of basement-dwelling
internet freakoids, is generally found supplying
- unofficial internet websites dedicated to relegation-threatened
Boston United with hilarious answers to an irregular A-Z series.
Take it away, Señor......
Artist impression of The General
What is your AMBITION in football?
To take the BPA open-top bus ride across Bradford, showing off the Champions
League and Premier League trophies to the 536 fans we have who have lined
the streets to welcome their heroes back to the 20,000-seater stadium
PREMIER LEAGUE IN FOUR YEARS I PROMISE!!!!!!! – The General
BOOK you’ve read?
Aptly, it’s Money: A Suicide Note – by Martin Amis.
I WILL WIN THE BOOKER AND WHITBREAD I PROMISE!!!! – The General
CAR do you drive?
Who cares? All roads are leading to the Football League.
I WILL CLONE A HIPPO AND A BADGER, CREATING A NEW SPECIES WHICH I
SHALL NAME THE HIDGER I PROMISE!!! – The General
Sangria. I supped plenty of the stuff during the team’s tour of
Spain when we played against a load of imaginary teams.
WE WILL BE BIGGER THAN BRADFORD CITY IN THREE WEEKS I PROMISE!!!!!!!
– The General
The lie detector. Although they do seem to go faulty whenever I discuss
Rory Patterson’s hat-trick in front of 30,000 fans at the Camp Nou.
WE WILL SIGN RONALDO IN FIVE YEARS I PROMISE!!!!! – The General
Anything but humble pie.
ALL TROOPS TO LEAVE IRAQ BY MAY I PROMISE!!! – The General
GAME do you particularly remember from your career?
Our 3-0 drubbing of FC Atletico Imaginerios in pre-season.
WE WILL DOUBLE OUR SUPPORT BASE BY BREAKING ASIA NEXT SUMMER I PROMISE!!!!!
– The General
the best HOLIDAY you’ve ever enjoyed?
Spain with the lads about three weeks ago. Watched a lot of football (on
EVERY BPA FAN WILL GET A GO ON KATE MOSS I PROMISE!!!!!! – The
is your sporting ICON?
Rory Patterson. He has such a terrific shot on him that he scored three
goals on the Spanish mainland while holidaying in Mallorca.
FREE BIG MAC FOR EVERY READER I PROMISE!!!!! – The General
is the team JOKER this season?
Do I need to justify that with an answer? Me, of course. Claims that we’ll
have a 20,000 capacity stadium instead of our current Stade de PortaCabin,
make it into the Football League and take on Spanish giants in a pre-season
tour has got the whole UniBond League pissing itself.
WE WILL BE THE FIRST CLUB TO PLAY ON THE MOON I PROMISE!!!! –
your KARAOKE song?
Money, Money, Money – by Abba
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE BUT I WON’T DO THAT I PROMISE!!!
– The General
you have a LUCKY charm or superstition?
I like to buy all our opponents’ best players and stick them on
I WILL BE A KNIGHT OF THE REALM IN SEVEN DAYS I PROMISE!!!! –
MOVIE of all-time?
Carry On Regardless.
NO MORE FAMINE IN AFRICA BY LENT I PROMISE!!!! – The General
NEWSPAPER do you read?
The Bradford Telegraph and Argus – did a great report on our Spanish
I WILL HAVE MORE INFLUENCE THAN RUPERT MURDOCH IN THREE MINUTES I
PROMISE!!!! – The General
you weren’t a footballer, what would be your OLYMPIC event?
In a few years this club will be for the high jump so I better say that.
I WILL GET BRITNEY HER KIDS BACK I PROMISE!!!! – The General
Bradford Park Avenue… by 1998.
WE WILL WIN A PENALTY AT OLD TRAFFORD I PROMISE!!! – The General
is the QUICKEST player you’ve ever faced?
If we can’t beat ‘em they join us.
I WILL CREATE THE FIRST PERFECTLY BLACK ORCHID I PROMISE!!! –
Money Radio, hardy har.
I WILL DRIVE THE JOKER OUT OF GOTHAM CITY I PROMISE!!!! – The
other SPORTS do you like watching?
The lads took part in some bull fighting while in Spain (albeit against
an imaginary bull) so that was a lot of fun.
I WILL RESURRECT THE DODO USING ADVANCED D.N.A. GENETIC ENGINEERING
TECHNIQUES, I PROMISE!!! – The General
That cursed blogger from the unofficial FC United of Manchester site who
mocks my trips to Spain.
I WILL PART THE RED SEA I PROMISE!!! – The General
you go to UNIVERSITY?
The University of Life, of course; the school of hard knocks and the cub
scouts of buying your way out of a corner.
CURE FOR ALL CANCERS BY CHRISTMAS I PROMISE!!! – The General
possession do you VALUE the most?
My World Club Championships winners’ medal – coming soon.
EVERY DAY WILL FEEL LIKE SUMMER IN GREAT BRITAIN I PROMISE!!! –
could you not live WITHOUT?
Money. And neither could my boom-and-bust club.
I WILL CLONE RORY PATTERSON I PROMISE!!!! – The General
was the last time you had an X-RAY?
Bob Blackburn is too busy in Spain to care for X-rays.
I WILL CRAM 32 STUDENTS INTO A MINI AND THUS BREAKING EXISTING WORLD
RECORD I PROMISE!!!! – The General
was your last YELLOW card for?
Look, I had no idea it was in the glovebox. I was looking after it and-
er, actually, it was from the Telegraph and Argus for ‘misleading’
them with a Spanish tour report. Honestly, it was a wind up. LOL! HAHA!
I AM A ROBOT SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL SARAH CONNOR I PROMISE!!!
– The General
ZODIAC sign are you?
The sign of the winner, if there is one. If not maybe Pisces?
I WILL BEAT ANNABEL CHONG’S ROMP RECORD I PROMISE!!!!!