hit back. Or at least try to.
presumably a Cammell Laird supporter, has kindly taken time out
to write to impsTALK and give us a few more details on his team
and the town in response to our rough
guide of a few days ago.
Take it away Dave:
"Where also famous for Paul 'O' Grady Aka Lilly Stavage,"
he sniffs. "Paul Heaton Of The Housemartins and
Beautiful South Fame Lived 2 Miles From Rock Ferry In A Place
Called Brombrough And His Father Played For Everton And Tranmere.
Elvis Costello Singer When To School On The Wirral. Omd Pop Group
From The 80s Where Form On The Wirral.
Which is all excellent stuff. But what really irks David,
it seems, is our crass lack of knowledge when it comes to the
area's shipbuilding heritage. This is, clearly, unforgivable.
"And For The Ship Building We Had Ships That Help Sink The
Pride Of The German Navy The Bismark!," Dave roars,
his hands now pummeling the keyboard in volcanic rage. "Try
Putting Cammel Laird In A Seach Engine And You Be Surpraise What
You Find Out About The Place. They Also Have Won A Contract With
The Royal Navy That Worth A Billion Pounds"
A billion pounds? Why, that's almost as much as Bankrupt
Park Avenue's weekly wage bill.
Dave continues: "And I Bet The Team You Surported
Is A Run Down Slum Of Ground In A Crime Ridden Area. Full Of Single
Mothers And Druggies.
P.s Duffy Not From Rock Ferry Her Relative Are From Rock Ferry."
Cheers for that Dave - you've given us a real insight into what
we can expect if we make the trip over to your neck of the woods.
Incidentally, if you happen to be a visiting fan and want to add
any more details to the rough guides, feel free to send us an
e-mail. The guides are are work in progress and we'll add more
info as appropriate. And more insults if you're a precious Cammell
dish best served cold, or at least at room temperature
The inexorable passage of time dulls even the sharpest of
memories. That's our excuse, anyway.
Our mate Johnny Chapman writes to say: "Technically, we've
already had revenge on Ilkeston, back in 98/99 with one of the spawniest
3-1 away wins I've ever seen. We scored when the goalie's clearance
bounced back into the net off Darren Munton as he was falling down.
The only time I have laughed before cheering a Boston goal."
We didn't believe Johnny, so we looked here
for a long time until we realised he was actually right. We had
completely forgotten about that game, perhaps because the club,
apparently, didn't actually exist before 9th October 1998. That's
what someone kept telling us, anyway.
After setting us straight on the Ilkeston game, Johnny also added
a couple more points to our list of reasons explaining why demotion
to a darts league is a very bad thing indeed, pointing out: "Those
people who have visited Sheffield and wondered why the EU gave grants
to South Yorkshire as one of the poorest regions in Europe will
understand when we're away at Frickley."
impsTALK hasn't yet had the pleasure of ever going to Frickley,
Johnny, but from what you say we're already looking forward to it.
And what else?
"No matter when we play Buxton away, it'll be cold,"
You bet it will.
Has demotion back to the Unibond league unearthed hitherto buried
memories, like sand dunes shifting in the winds? Had you wiped that
3-5 hammering by Barrow from your mind, or the Heybridge Swifts
FA Cup debacle debacle? E-mail
us with your best and worst memories from the old Unibond days.
Send your tales to: firstname.lastname@example.org
As work continues on the next batch of teams for the Unibond
Survival Guide, our attention is distracted momentarily by an
e-mail that plonks into the impsTALK inbox from none other than
Andy Butler, who writes to offer, in his words, ‘a few
more wrist slittingly depressing facts about United’s demotion’.
So here they are and all their wrist-slitting glory. Take it away
Mr A to da B…..yo ma dizzle, ya git me?
will be the first season since 1967/68 when Gainsborough will
start a season in a higher league than Boston. In 67/68 the Pilgrims
were on their way to a second consecutive league and cup double
in the West Midlands League while Grimity were in the Midland
Laird are a works team from Liverpool playing at their highest
are one level above Stamford, Spalding, Grantham, Corby and Lincoln
Bourne Town, Holbeach Utd, Louth Utd and Deeping Rangers are just
two levels below us.
both had avoided relegation last season we'd have been at the
same level as both Stamford and Lincoln Utd for the first time
in our history.
Town are an amalgamation of Netherfield FC and Kendal FC. We were
last on parity with Netherfield in 1978/79, our last season in
the old NPL.
Frickley, Guisley, Marine, Matlock and Witton were all playing
in the NPL in our last stint in there in 1997/98. That’s
before the formation of the Conference North and South.
never met Cammell Laird, Eastwood, FCUM, Nantwich, North Ferriby,
Ossett or Prescot Cables in any league competition.
PA were in the NPL in the early 1970s but went bust
were playing Conference football against Hednesford back in 2000/01.
They along with Boston, Frickley, Leigh and Witton have all played
in the Conference National/APL, Gola League, GMVC at various stages.
that cheers you up......”
not really Andy, but thanks anyway. And are you sure Ossett isn’t
actually spelt ‘Ocid’?
Guides to Cammell Laird, Eastwood/Aaaystwood Town and, thrillingly,
FC United will be posted on the site on Friday.
- NANTWICH HAS 'STADIUM', REPORTS SUGGEST
What’s this? Mail? A real e-mail not trying to get
us to hand over the details to our large, and unauthorised, overdraft?
Blimey. So it is.
your panning of United's new-found league: I'm absolutely stoked!”
writes Simon Kenneally, excitedly, before he drops what may
turn out to be the biggest bombshell since 1945 by revealing:
“I live in Nantwich (Yes! We had a by-election).”
We’re not entirely sure what the significance of the
by-election bit is, but the news that people actually live in
Nantwich must surely be treated with the same unbridled astonishment
normally reserved for stories like ‘Man walks on moon’,
‘Life found on Mars’ or even ‘Criminal not from
Skegness - EXCLUSIVE’.
your information,” continues Simon, “the
people of Nantwich are very proud of their 'stadium', which consists
roughly of a shed, bus shelter and a couple of 5-a-side goals
you can pick up from Argos for a tenner.”
Simon, that’s a tenner more than Gainsborough Trinity have
spent on the Northolme in the last three decades. Disturbingly,
the suggestion here is not just that Nantwich boasts actual residents
who live in houses with rooms and beds and everything –
but the village also has a branch of Argos. Argos! The mere presence
of such a prestigious catalogue retailer practically bestows city
of course, we would have dismissed Simon as one of those whacko
internet cranks who get in touch from time to time, like Mark
Isaac. However, ever since we stumbled across a Debenhams in Workington
we’ve come to believe anything is possible: Bigfoot, dark
matter, songs by Coldplay that aren’t interminable dirges
that make you want to kill yourself, the abominable snowman, another
impsTALK podcast... hell, we’re not even ruling out the
possibility that the until-now apocryphal ‘third Trinity
fan’ may be lurking somewhere.
truth is out there. Or, if you’re a fan of Crawley Town,
the truth is buried in a vast, impossibly complicated and utterly
unauditable paper trail. Is unauditable even a word?
Disgruntled resident of a tiny hamlet that has a pub team
faced with the dreadful prospect of hosting 112 Pilgrims fans
in November? Have you ever actually heard of Cammell Laird? Does
your town have a Debenhams Style cafe too? WE want to hear YOUR
story! Email email@example.com
NOW NOW NOW NOW etc etc and so on.
AT LEAST THE PITCH LOOKS GOOD
It's a great word, isn't it? Just say it back to yourself. Go
on. Demotion. It's like 'demon', but not really. The hellish connotations
are, however, confirmed when you look at just who United will
be facing next year. North Ferriby? Cammell Laird? Isn't that
what you fry bacon in? Prescot fucking Cables? Cables? Holy shit.
Leigh what? Are you serious?
it's not all bad, right? Because surely - surely - we actually
are going to piss this billiards league? Er. Well, probably
not. There are enough big spending chancers even in this two-bob
pit-hole to put paid to any delusions of grandeur harboured
by Pilgrims fans stung by a third relegation in as many minutes.
It could, as implausible as it sounds, get worse before it bets
said, a line has well and truly been drawn under United's
sojourn in the Football League, a five year misadventure bankrolled
by fake money and presided over by a cavalcade of bungling
incompetents, clowns, crooks and charlatans - all of whom
have long since fled York Street, along with most of the Super
Fans. Where's the glory in wearing the tie and blazer of a
pub team, eh?
Here's our initial knee jerk reaction to Thursday's news....
reasons why getting demoted to a Thursday evening darts league
isn’t that bad
Eastwood Town is practically next door to Ikea. So if you
fancied watching Boston roughing up a team you didn’t
even realise existed before slinking off to stock up on Swedish
meatballs and BEKVÄM kitchen trolleys , you’re
A day out in Whitby: It has fish and chips to die for! A
ruined abbey! Boats! An arch made out of whalebones! A Woolworths!
A chance to avenge THAT FA Cup defeat. You know the one
we’re talking about. Yes, Ilkeston Town. We’ve
not forgotten you.
It's not Ilkeston
Two games against FC United of Manchester will permit us to spend
180 minutes in a state of misty-eyed nostalgia, remembering the
long-gone days of, well, about eighteen months ago when we used
to play football in what we might term ‘stadiums’,
buildings that featured a revolutionary concept called ‘running
water’ - and in front of ‘paying spectators’
to boot. Ah. Those were very much the days.
A day out in Matlock. It has hills! A cable car! Quaint little
tea shops! It’s like Skegness, just without the mudflats
or vile criminal underclass.
> The Unibond league has some kind of live tv and highlights
package deal. Woo.
We’re now actually a step below where we were on that fateful
day in 1998 when some clown decided to employ Steve Evans as manager.
Short of folding, this is about as close to an exorcism as we’re
going to get. So Dagenham and Yeovil fans, a message: stop your
incessant, embarrassing gloating and stick to your own relegation
worries, you fucking losers.
We might win more than 0.00035% of an away game. But don’t
count on it.
> It could be worse. We could all have leprosy.
reasons why getting demoted to a Tuesday night quiz league is
actually a quite terrible calamity
Two games against FC United of Manchester will remind us, painfully,
that we’re not even the biggest team in the Northern Premier
> Leigh what?
> The Unibond league has some kind of live tv and highlights
package deal. Fixture changes ahoy!
We’re now a league below Vauxhall Motors. It is a quite
staggering fact, one that the human brain simply isn’t wired
up to fully comprehend. It’s a bit like trying to imagine
your own inevitable death, or the size of the Universe: no matter
how much brainpower you devote to such a thing, you’re simply
never able to quite wrap your mind around it. But just to repeat:
Boston United are now a league below Vauxhall Motors. Or, to put
it another way, if we met them in the FA Cup and managed to beat
them, it would, technically, count as a ‘Cup shock’.
Holy. Living. Fuck.
If you thought the catering in the Conference North was bad, just
wait until your best mate is being zipped up in a body bag at
Worksop Town after sampling one of their delightful snacks.
No, we don't have a clue either. But come on. VW Motors - a league
above us? Mind blowing.
Tony Crane would have pissed the league single-handedly. Unfortunately,
Tony was a bit of a mentalist and buggered off.
had to throw our 'hilarious' 2008/2009 Conference North Rough
Guide in the shredder. impsTALK hasn't the heart to start a Unibond
Rough Guide from scratch.
> Gainsborough Trinity are now playing at a higher level than
Boston United. Basically, that means that they will, no matter
what happens, obviously finish 08/09 higher than Boston. Both
of their fans will be delighted.
> We can say with near certainty that York Street will never
again host league football.
> It's only a matter of time before some fan asks if we can
have the Town End bac- sorry, what's that? Ok, scratch this one.
The question has already been asked.
> No matter when we play Buxton away, it'll be cold
> Those people who have visited Sheffield and wondered why
the EU gave grants to South Yorkshire as one of the poorest regions
in Europe will understand when we're away at Frickley.