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All the crap published on impsTALK's front page - June 2008

Laird hit back. Or at least try to.

'Dave', presumably a Cammell Laird supporter, has kindly taken time out to write to impsTALK and give us a few more details on his team and the town in response to our rough guide of a few days ago.

Take it away Dave:

"Where also famous for Paul 'O' Grady Aka Lilly Stavage,"
he sniffs. "Paul Heaton Of The Housemartins and Beautiful South Fame Lived 2 Miles From Rock Ferry In A Place Called Brombrough And His Father Played For Everton And Tranmere. Elvis Costello Singer When To School On The Wirral. Omd Pop Group From The 80s Where Form On The Wirral.

Which is all excellent stuff. But what really irks David, it seems, is our crass lack of knowledge when it comes to the area's shipbuilding heritage. This is, clearly, unforgivable.

"And For The Ship Building We Had Ships That Help Sink The Pride Of The German Navy The Bismark!,"
Dave roars, his hands now pummeling the keyboard in volcanic rage. "Try Putting Cammel Laird In A Seach Engine And You Be Surpraise What You Find Out About The Place. They Also Have Won A Contract With The Royal Navy That Worth A Billion Pounds"

A billion pounds? Why, that's almost as much as Bankrupt Park Avenue's weekly wage bill.

Dave continues: "And I Bet The Team You Surported Is A Run Down Slum Of Ground In A Crime Ridden Area. Full Of Single Mothers And Druggies.

P.s Duffy Not From Rock Ferry Her Relative Are From Rock Ferry."

Cheers for that Dave - you've given us a real insight into what we can expect if we make the trip over to your neck of the woods.

Incidentally, if you happen to be a visiting fan and want to add any more details to the rough guides, feel free to send us an e-mail. The guides are are work in progress and we'll add more info as appropriate. And more insults if you're a precious Cammell Laird supporter.

A dish best served cold, or at least at room temperature

The inexorable passage of time dulls even the sharpest of memories. That's our excuse, anyway.

Our mate Johnny Chapman writes to say: "Technically, we've already had revenge on Ilkeston, back in 98/99 with one of the spawniest 3-1 away wins I've ever seen. We scored when the goalie's clearance bounced back into the net off Darren Munton as he was falling down. The only time I have laughed before cheering a Boston goal."

We didn't believe Johnny, so we looked here for a long time until we realised he was actually right. We had completely forgotten about that game, perhaps because the club, apparently, didn't actually exist before 9th October 1998. That's what someone kept telling us, anyway.

After setting us straight on the Ilkeston game, Johnny also added a couple more points to our list of reasons explaining why demotion to a darts league is a very bad thing indeed, pointing out: "Those people who have visited Sheffield and wondered why the EU gave grants to South Yorkshire as one of the poorest regions in Europe will understand when we're away at Frickley."

impsTALK hasn't yet had the pleasure of ever going to Frickley, Johnny, but from what you say we're already looking forward to it. And what else?

"No matter when we play Buxton away, it'll be cold," he adds.

You bet it will.

Has demotion back to the Unibond league unearthed hitherto buried memories, like sand dunes shifting in the winds? Had you wiped that 3-5 hammering by Barrow from your mind, or the Heybridge Swifts FA Cup debacle debacle? E-mail us with your best and worst memories from the old Unibond days. Send your tales to:

More depressing facts.....

As work continues on the next batch of teams for the Unibond Survival Guide, our attention is distracted momentarily by an e-mail that plonks into the impsTALK inbox from none other than Andy Butler, who writes to offer, in his words, ‘a few more wrist slittingly depressing facts about United’s demotion’. So here they are and all their wrist-slitting glory. Take it away Mr A to da B…..yo ma dizzle, ya git me?

“This will be the first season since 1967/68 when Gainsborough will start a season in a higher league than Boston. In 67/68 the Pilgrims were on their way to a second consecutive league and cup double in the West Midlands League while Grimity were in the Midland League.

Camell Laird are a works team from Liverpool playing at their highest ever level.

We are one level above Stamford, Spalding, Grantham, Corby and Lincoln Utd.

FC, Bourne Town, Holbeach Utd, Louth Utd and Deeping Rangers are just two levels below us.

If both had avoided relegation last season we'd have been at the same level as both Stamford and Lincoln Utd for the first time in our history.

Kendal Town are an amalgamation of Netherfield FC and Kendal FC. We were last on parity with Netherfield in 1978/79, our last season in the old NPL.

Ashton, Buxton, Frickley, Guisley, Marine, Matlock and Witton were all playing in the NPL in our last stint in there in 1997/98. That’s before the formation of the Conference North and South.

We've never met Cammell Laird, Eastwood, FCUM, Nantwich, North Ferriby, Ossett or Prescot Cables in any league competition.

Bradford PA were in the NPL in the early 1970s but went bust in 1973.

We were playing Conference football against Hednesford back in 2000/01. They along with Boston, Frickley, Leigh and Witton have all played in the Conference National/APL, Gola League, GMVC at various stages.

Hope that cheers you up......”

Well, not really Andy, but thanks anyway. And are you sure Ossett isn’t actually spelt ‘Ocid’?

Guides to Cammell Laird, Eastwood/Aaaystwood Town and, thrillingly, FC United will be posted on the site on Friday.


What’s this? Mail? A real e-mail not trying to get us to hand over the details to our large, and unauthorised, overdraft? Blimey. So it is.

“Regarding your panning of United's new-found league: I'm absolutely stoked!” writes Simon Kenneally, excitedly, before he drops what may turn out to be the biggest bombshell since 1945 by revealing: “I live in Nantwich (Yes! We had a by-election).”

We’re not entirely sure what the significance of the by-election bit is, but the news that people actually live in Nantwich must surely be treated with the same unbridled astonishment normally reserved for stories like ‘Man walks on moon’, ‘Life found on Mars’ or even ‘Criminal not from Skegness - EXCLUSIVE’.

“For your information,” continues Simon, “the people of Nantwich are very proud of their 'stadium', which consists roughly of a shed, bus shelter and a couple of 5-a-side goals you can pick up from Argos for a tenner.”

Frankly, Simon, that’s a tenner more than Gainsborough Trinity have spent on the Northolme in the last three decades. Disturbingly, the suggestion here is not just that Nantwich boasts actual residents who live in houses with rooms and beds and everything – but the village also has a branch of Argos. Argos! The mere presence of such a prestigious catalogue retailer practically bestows city status.

Normally, of course, we would have dismissed Simon as one of those whacko internet cranks who get in touch from time to time, like Mark Isaac. However, ever since we stumbled across a Debenhams in Workington we’ve come to believe anything is possible: Bigfoot, dark matter, songs by Coldplay that aren’t interminable dirges that make you want to kill yourself, the abominable snowman, another impsTALK podcast... hell, we’re not even ruling out the possibility that the until-now apocryphal ‘third Trinity fan’ may be lurking somewhere.

The truth is out there. Or, if you’re a fan of Crawley Town, the truth is buried in a vast, impossibly complicated and utterly unauditable paper trail. Is unauditable even a word?

Disgruntled resident of a tiny hamlet that has a pub team faced with the dreadful prospect of hosting 112 Pilgrims fans in November? Have you ever actually heard of Cammell Laird? Does your town have a Debenhams Style cafe too? WE want to hear YOUR story! Email NOW NOW NOW NOW etc etc and so on.



It's a great word, isn't it? Just say it back to yourself. Go on. Demotion. It's like 'demon', but not really. The hellish connotations are, however, confirmed when you look at just who United will be facing next year. North Ferriby? Cammell Laird? Isn't that what you fry bacon in? Prescot fucking Cables? Cables? Holy shit. Leigh what? Are you serious?

Still, it's not all bad, right? Because surely - surely - we actually are going to piss this billiards league? Er. Well, probably not. There are enough big spending chancers even in this two-bob pit-hole to put paid to any delusions of grandeur harboured by Pilgrims fans stung by a third relegation in as many minutes. It could, as implausible as it sounds, get worse before it bets better.

That said, a line has well and truly been drawn under United's sojourn in the Football League, a five year misadventure bankrolled by fake money and presided over by a cavalcade of bungling incompetents, clowns, crooks and charlatans - all of whom have long since fled York Street, along with most of the Super Fans. Where's the glory in wearing the tie and blazer of a pub team, eh?

Here's our initial knee jerk reaction to Thursday's news....

Some reasons why getting demoted to a Thursday evening darts league isn’t that bad
> Eastwood Town is practically next door to Ikea. So if you fancied watching Boston roughing up a team you didn’t even realise existed before slinking off to stock up on Swedish meatballs and BEKVÄM kitchen trolleys , you’re in luck.

> A day out in Whitby: It has fish and chips to die for! A ruined abbey! Boats! An arch made out of whalebones! A Woolworths!

> A chance to avenge THAT FA Cup defeat. You know the one we’re talking about. Yes, Ilkeston Town. We’ve not forgotten you.

It's not Ilkeston

> Two games against FC United of Manchester will permit us to spend 180 minutes in a state of misty-eyed nostalgia, remembering the long-gone days of, well, about eighteen months ago when we used to play football in what we might term ‘stadiums’, buildings that featured a revolutionary concept called ‘running water’ - and in front of ‘paying spectators’ to boot. Ah. Those were very much the days.

> A day out in Matlock. It has hills! A cable car! Quaint little tea shops! It’s like Skegness, just without the mudflats or vile criminal underclass.

> The Unibond league has some kind of live tv and highlights package deal. Woo.

> We’re now actually a step below where we were on that fateful day in 1998 when some clown decided to employ Steve Evans as manager. Short of folding, this is about as close to an exorcism as we’re going to get. So Dagenham and Yeovil fans, a message: stop your incessant, embarrassing gloating and stick to your own relegation worries, you fucking losers.

> We might win more than 0.00035% of an away game. But don’t count on it.

> It could be worse. We could all have leprosy.

Some reasons why getting demoted to a Tuesday night quiz league is actually a quite terrible calamity

> Two games against FC United of Manchester will remind us, painfully, that we’re not even the biggest team in the Northern Premier League.

> Leigh what?

> The Unibond league has some kind of live tv and highlights package deal. Fixture changes ahoy!

> We’re now a league below Vauxhall Motors. It is a quite staggering fact, one that the human brain simply isn’t wired up to fully comprehend. It’s a bit like trying to imagine your own inevitable death, or the size of the Universe: no matter how much brainpower you devote to such a thing, you’re simply never able to quite wrap your mind around it. But just to repeat: Boston United are now a league below Vauxhall Motors. Or, to put it another way, if we met them in the FA Cup and managed to beat them, it would, technically, count as a ‘Cup shock’. Holy. Living. Fuck.

> If you thought the catering in the Conference North was bad, just wait until your best mate is being zipped up in a body bag at Worksop Town after sampling one of their delightful snacks.

No, we don't have a clue either. But come on. VW Motors - a league above us? Mind blowing.

> Tony Crane would have pissed the league single-handedly. Unfortunately, Tony was a bit of a mentalist and buggered off.

We've had to throw our 'hilarious' 2008/2009 Conference North Rough Guide in the shredder. impsTALK hasn't the heart to start a Unibond Rough Guide from scratch.

> PrescotCables?

> Gainsborough Trinity are now playing at a higher level than Boston United. Basically, that means that they will, no matter what happens, obviously finish 08/09 higher than Boston. Both of their fans will be delighted.

> We can say with near certainty that York Street will never again host league football.

> It's only a matter of time before some fan asks if we can have the Town End bac- sorry, what's that? Ok, scratch this one. The question has already been asked.

> No matter when we play Buxton away, it'll be cold

> Those people who have visited Sheffield and wondered why the EU gave grants to South Yorkshire as one of the poorest regions in Europe will understand when we're away at Frickley.

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