FUCKERS Southport won yesterday’s game in highly controversial
circumstances, robbing BRAVE Boston of a highly deserved point
after not returning the ball to the home side at a drop ball.
They scored moments after the incident, condeming the PLUCKY home
side to their fourth straight defeat in all competitions.
Furious United officials immediately set about reporting Southport
to Interpol and UEFA, with chairman David Newton ordering vice-chairman
Neil Kempster out of bed and into the office this morning at 3am
to prepare and send a dossier to the relevant authorities - and
hoover the VP lounge while he was there.
so tired I’m really struggling to recall the incident, even
though it was barely twelve hours ago,” a bleary-eyed Kempster
admitted. “I just do what David tells me.”
finally sent the document - a detailed incident report, i.e match
report written by Craig Singleton, and a sketch of the incident
- to Interpol and UEFA at 8am this morning (Sunday) after falling
asleep as he forked the pitch, as instructed, in total darkness
and bitter winds.
confirmed to impsTALK that they had received the document. “We
have fax, yes, but Monsieur Platini dropped some cheese and chive
dip on it,” a blazer-wearing, sausage-roll chomping spokesman
said. “It is Euro 2008 draw today. There is much buffet
to yet prepare. Call us later.”
law enforcement agency Interpol were also sent the document. “We
take matters regarding cheating and/or the fixing of competitive
matches highly seriously,” Interpol said in a statement
this morning. “But this ‘Blue Square’ league
you speak of – it is not competitive, no? Thanks, but we
need to catch a few more terrorist cells and we'll get back to
United fans of all ages will await the investigation with interest.
Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK: “In
thirty years following Boston United, I’ve only seen this
kind of unsporting behaviour every other week. It’s disgraceful.
I attempted to have a quiet little chat with a Southport fan after
the game to discuss the issue, but I was dragged off the metal
fence by a steward. They confiscated the chainsaw too. I need
a new chainsaw.”