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Boston United shoot down ‘dangerous’ Crane penalty
China, Dagenham denounce ‘brazen militarization of space’

Conference set to dock points

BOSTON United officials today confirmed that a hugely ambitious project to shoot down a Tony Crane penalty miss that has been orbiting the globe since 2005 scored a ‘direct hit’ – potentially saving 26 lives across South Lincolnshire.

The Mitre matchball was launched in October 2005 during a penalty shootout between Grimsby Town and Morecambe in the Football League Trophy.

With the shoot out delicately poised at 4-3 in Morecambe’s favour, Crane stepped forward and blasted the ball, quite literally, into orbit, where it has, until now, remained ever since.

Crane's 2005 penalty burns up 136 miles above Wyberton

However, in recent weeks the ball has been slowing from its initial velocity of 152,235 miles per hour, and Boston United chairman David Newton revealed he had been given little option but to deal with the orbital threat.

Boston gaffer Tommy Taylor admitted had hadn't been aware that the ball was a part of Crane's registration, saying: "They ain't never gone and told me that when I wuz on the dog and bone, eh? Apples and pairs. Stairs."

“The ball has been circling the Earth for a number of years,” chairman Newton said. “But recent tracking information from the University of Swineshead led us to believe the ball might re-enter the atmosphere with enough kinetic energy to destroy a town the size of Gainsborough.

“Of course, in light of that we were more than happy to let the ball land. But when Conference officials threatened to demote us to the Northern Counties East League should we permit the incineration of Gainsborough in a hellish firestorm, we decided we had to act. So I told [vice-chairman] Neil to sort it out while I went wine tasting.”

The mission has been met with disapproval from around the world.

Sony Award-winning protest

Dagenham and Redbridge fan Mark Lawrenson told impsTALK: “I, along with Important Chinese defence minister Zhang Yonghai, believe this act only serves to fan the flames of an already tense political and military standoff between the West and China. Not to mention disrupting the fragile peace in non-league football. Boston must be punished."

The operation is reputed to have cost the club £52.7 million.

“It’s fair to say the CVA situation isn’t looking too hot,” Newton admitted, placing items from his desk into a show box marked ‘David’s stuff’. When questioned why he was placing personal items from his desk into a show box marked ‘David’s stuff’, Newton replied: “We’ve got some teacher in to do the dusting later. Got to rush. Neil will see you out. Neil! Neil! Boy! Boy! Boooooy!? Where is he? I need a new vice-chairman."

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