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Boston United shoot down ‘dangerous’ Crane penalty
China, Dagenham denounce ‘brazen militarization of space’
Conference set to dock points
United officials today confirmed that a hugely ambitious project to shoot
down a Tony Crane penalty miss that has been orbiting the globe since
2005 scored a ‘direct hit’ – potentially saving 26 lives
across South Lincolnshire.
However, in recent weeks the ball has been slowing from its initial velocity
of 152,235 miles per hour, and Boston United chairman David Newton revealed
he had been given little option but to deal with the orbital threat.
“The ball has been circling the Earth for a number of years,” chairman Newton said. “But recent tracking information from the University of Swineshead led us to believe the ball might re-enter the atmosphere with enough kinetic energy to destroy a town the size of Gainsborough.
course, in light of that we were more than happy to let the ball land.
But when Conference officials threatened to demote us to the Northern
Counties East League should we permit the incineration of Gainsborough
in a hellish firestorm, we decided we had to act. So I told [vice-chairman]
Neil to sort it out while I went wine tasting.”
Dagenham and Redbridge fan Mark Lawrenson told impsTALK: “I, along
with Important Chinese defence minister Zhang Yonghai, believe this act
only serves to fan the flames of an already tense political and military
standoff between the West and China. Not to mention disrupting the fragile
peace in non-league football. Boston must be punished."
“It’s fair to say the CVA situation isn’t looking too hot,” Newton admitted, placing items from his desk into a show box marked ‘David’s stuff’. When questioned why he was placing personal items from his desk into a show box marked ‘David’s stuff’, Newton replied: “We’ve got some teacher in to do the dusting later. Got to rush. Neil will see you out. Neil! Neil! Boy! Boy! Boooooy!? Where is he? I need a new vice-chairman."
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