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With relegation to the Conference North, Boston United Television has been forced into making the kind of cutbacks that make the BBC look like an employer in the midst of a recruitment drive. Starting with the logo. But never fear, as BUTV isn't about to start compromising the quality of its service. Well, maybe a bit.

6.00am - Breakfast With Blackwell
Start the day the right way with Blackwell. Today's special feature: continental breakfasts - should hotel staff who make them be executed?

9.00am – All Creatures Flayed and Sawn
Popular family drama, written by Sun hack and Bigot of the Year nominee Neil Syson. Veterinary surgeon Rob visits Golding Lane Farm armed with a chainsaw and a pneumatic drill to try and ‘cure’ Farmer Bob’s lame bull, but things take a turn for the worse when the DEMENTED MENTALIST ends up SLICING Farmer Bob’s LITTLE CHILDREN because he’s a PSYCHOPATHIC SICKO. And the DIRTY BASTARD immigrant farmhands do NOTHING to STOP the CARNAGE while picking up their BENEFITS like disgusting PARASITES. Grudgingly signed for subhuman deafo spazzos. (WS, R).

10.00am - Tony Crane’s World of Cranes
Join Tony ‘The Crane’ Crane for a fascinating hour devoted to Tony’s love of all things Crane. Tonight, Tony visits a South Africa 2010 construction site to witness the all-new G-65-52 super-lift crane in action before nutting some clown who knocks his Diet Coke over.

11.00am – FILM: Setanta Clause: The Movie
Lighthearted kids romp. When Gainsborough v Kettering is moved to a 3.36am Monday morning kick-off for the benefit of Vietnamese gangsters wishing to manipulate the Asian betting markets, literally six Gainsborough fans resolve to ‘do something about it’ before forgetting all about it and sleeping through the entire thing. 26 mins.

11am today

11.26am - The Cock Report
With daring investigative genius Mark Isaac. Today, Mark is called in to sort out a local garage that sold an old lady a car that was falling apart and really wasn't in saleable condition. Mark leaps into action, browsing the Companies House website to get the home addresses of all the garage's staff and owners, and strikes a blow for the consumer by posting a picture of the garage owner's house onto an obscure internet forum. Later in the show things take a nasty turn when the intrepid undercover campaigner claims to have been punched by the garage owner's brother in a busy pub just at the exact moment that every single person in there was looking the other way.

12.00pm – Jeers
Classic 80s sitcom set in a Boston bar inhabited by Spayne Roaders. This week, George, 109, denounces Paul Cavell as a ‘Southern woofter’ and laments the sudden influx of 'darkies' into the Vauxhall Conference.

12.30pm - FILM PREMIERE Atonement
First of BUTV's afternoon double bill. First, an epic drama starring doe-eyed beauty Steve Evans. When a young, naïve Steve witnesses out of the ordinary events at York Street, his actions - or rather, complete lack of action - results in a terrible chain of events that leads to several entirely innocent people getting into serious trouble, including himself. After being found 95% guilty, he begs for a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, fourteen and fifteenth chance as he tries to atone for past mistakes.

2pm, BUTV

2.00pm - FILM: The Loonies
Comedy adventure introduced by Lee Thompson. A bunch of hilarious mentalists are taken to a football match on a bus as part of their ongoing therapy for severe psychological disorders. However, when their Sleafordian bus driver is abducted by Barrow fans after they mistake his amber jacket for a Paul Bastock replica shirt, the demented passengers must survive in provincial Cumbria all on their own! They resolve to find their way back to Boston and mount a side-splitting mission to save their driver – unaware that he has already been flayed alive, his bloody corpse strung up from the girders of a bridge in a lynching of such monstrous savagery it makes the Fallujah burnings look like a ticker-tape parade. Starring Paul Gascoigne as the weird bloke with the funny shaped head who shouts ‘Hey you guys!’ every six minutes until you sincerely hope he falls into a meshing machine. (WS, S)

3.30pm - Get Off My Land!
Hilarious comedy. This week, the Malkinsons chase Jason Hatfield out of York Street with a 12-gauge shotgun.

4.00pm - Gee’s Sex Club Nightmares
This week, sex club troubleshooter Gee Evans attempts to reverse the fortunes of the ailing TripleXXX Bar in Crawley. Things get off to a bad start when he’s forced to do a runner out the back when armed police kick down the front door.

5.00pm - Big Wrong Manager
Steve ‘Swagbag’ Evans strides into a football club, followed by a tv camera crew and several makeup artists. He’s certainly very big, but he's also extraordinarily wrong.

5.30pm - Are You Older Than a 5 Year Old?
The wacky quiz show in which practically everyone’s a winner! But controversy rages this week when Adam Smith fails to convince the judges that he is actually 22.

Kempster vs the Posh academy: Kempster On Gangs, 11pm, BUTV

6.00pm – The News
Presented by the BUFCST board. The officers all look at one another and wait for somebody else to get the ball rolling. After 28 minutes of awkward silence, punctuated only by the officers restlessly shifting in their chairs, aimlessly shuffling 15-month old meeting minutes and picking at a plate of egg and cress sandwiches, Mel Moxon breaks the tension with the weather forecast.

6.25pm - Points Off You
Feedback show, hosted by the Chairman of the Conference. Tonight’s featured guest is Crawley's Chas Majeed.

6.30pm - You’ve Been Craned!
Hilarious prank show hosted by lovable hoaxer Tony Crane. This week, injured Arsenal Eduardo star finds his right ankle matching his left after being ‘Craned’ as he gingerly shuffles around Sainburys on crutches. Later, Tony ‘Cranes’ an adorable little fluffy kitten and a blind orphan crossing John Adams Way. (S, WS)

7.00pm - Kempster in Afghanistan
Gritty documentary. United vice-chairman Neil Kempster is ordered to go ‘sort out’ Afghanistan by United chairman David Newton. Things don’t get off to a great start when Kempster is abducted within 32 seconds of arriving in Kabul. Will the Taliban accept Gerald Krasner’s ransom offer of 23 UK pence in the afghani?

7.30pm - The Price Is Undisclosed
New game show where contestants have to guess the transfer value of footballers only to find out their true cost, or the fees going to their agents will NEVER be revealed! One lucky contestant get the chance to win a holiday to Butterwick by picking the three players from the line-up who had their value withheld to make them sound more expensive than they actually were and thereby make them sound like big, important signings. Live from BUTV's Crawley studios. (WS, S).

Tonight! 7.30pm, BUTV

8.00pm - FILM: There Will Be Lots of Blood
Oscar, BAFTA and Bigot of the Year-nominated epic starring Tony Crane and Rob Wesley. Written by Neil Syson. (WS, S)

9.55pm - National Lottery
Lucky Competition Winner Doug Hutson is your host tonight but there’s really not much point tuning in because he’ll end up winning the roll-over jackpot no matter what happens anyway.

10.30pm - Match of The Day
Craig Singleton presents highlights of tonight’s friendly at Spalding Town. When United last faced Spalding in a friendly yesterday, Ashley Nicholls literally ran a couple of times. Will tonight’s clash prove to be just as entertaining?

11.00pm - Kempster on Gangs
After his close shave with the Taliban, Kempster is again in the thick of the action when David Newton orders him to ‘sort out’ a gang of feral Peterborough United academy hoodlums loitering around York Street in the hope of gaining some ‘work experience’. Things don’t go to plan when the Posh kids tie Newton up with their tights before ransacking a local lingerie store.

11.30pm – Newsnight Review
The insufferably pretentious panel discuss Luminus’ new album, deconstruct Paul Raynor’s debut novel ‘The Dystopia Paradox’ and reveal the anachronistic ideological underpinning of Gary Kemsley’s new sitcom ‘Fackin’ Gayers!’.

12.00am - Textextra
Adults-only entertainments as 15,023 Lincoln City supporting, basement-dwelling losers are let loose with their mobile phones and their wretched, knee-jerk opinions. Tonight’s topic: ‘Boo resign Jackson not good enough hang on we can make the playoffs, win the title boo resign playoffs! Resign playoffs boo resign promotion boo resign playoffs’. Hosted by braying mouth breather Tim Lovejoy who calls League Two ‘Division Six’, spends the time between text messages proudly speaking of how many girls his mate John Terry has violated in the rectum in the last 48 hours and mispronounces MK Dons as ‘Wimbledon’ four times - leading a cameraman to take the law into his own hands and brain the intolerable little fucker with a nearby Freemans catalogue.

1.00am - Later…with Chris Holland
Ex-Busted star James Bourne debuts his solo material. Other music from Simon Weaver and the PT-10s, …And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Debt and Luminus.