Ten Questions.... David Wardrobe
Boston United's most static fan, David Wardrobe, clambers into the impsTALK
hotseat and starts blindly stabbing at some of the extremely important
buttons with his large flapping, door-like hands until his answers to
the hugely influential end-of-season list thing flop tamely out of our
1991-vintage Epson dot-matrix printer…..
when it first truly hit home that ex-Football league giants were
slumming it with part-time tinpot pub teams.
I would have to say when we lost to Harrogate Town. Our first
ever loss. I mean, seriously, HARROGATE TOWN. Stop that.
where you had to check your normal hilarious banter about rat/dog
burgers upon the sudden and somewhat horrific realisation that
the burger was indeed a rat/dog patty
I don't eat. I live purely by the goodness and light and warmth
of the love in the air at every away ground in the country. Yes.
And I'm not lying, neither. Not even a little bit. Are you calling
me a liar?
with toilets so indescribably dreadful you’d rather let
your bladder swell up and pop in a grotesque explosion of urine
rather than enter and risk contracting cholera even though a ruptured
bladder is actually a very serious medical ailment in its own
I generally tend to urinate on the chap in front of me (if he
has baggy trousers, you can finish, shake, zip up and scuttle
off before the dampness finally makes it to his skin), but, I
would have to say Burscough. Purely because I go to the same therapist
as Ian Hatstand, Kirton, who is still having counselling after
using their facilities. The diseases that thrived there were so
huge, they actually climbed up the stream of piss and lodged themselves
in his winky in the same way that a candiru fish does.
support at York Street that most closely resembled the abject, piteous
air of a group of captured Polish POWs in World War 2 awaiting their
imminent execution next to the trench they’ve just dug in a muddy
field two miles north of Gdynia
It's a toss up between the shameful 26 Gainsboro "fans" -
I mean, come on, 26 for fecks' sake - or the abomination that was the
Leigh RMI support. Does ANYONE? support Leigh? Or is it just all concrete,
cold winds and shit football?
Fackin’ Taylor’s Fackin’ Quote of the Fackin’
"....opening the new Greenwoods store was something we were more
than happy to do...." Laugh? LAUGH? I nearly went to Gainsborough!
Biggest pothole encountered (pitch or carpark)
Gainsborough. Oh, sorry, I thought you said shithole.
Your nomination for the 07/08 Andy Butler
‘It Can’t Get Much Worse Than This, We Should Be Tonking
These Two Bob Village Outfits’ result of the season
Burscough. I mean, just even the sound of it. Burscough. It sounds like
something Sea Lions do before they mate in some kind of ritualistic
dance. 'And here comes the male, Burscoughing before he mounts the female'.
07/08 player of the season written in a code
only you understand
Crane. Not for the football, but, for being fatter than me and proving
that a fatso can make a living legally killing lower league strikers
by snapping them in half, biting off their arms and defending corners
whilst eating Pot Noodle sandwiches (it took impsTALK's codebreaking
hounds 26 minutes to crack this particular cypher - ed)
I despise them all in the same way I despise farts that follow through.
Leaving aside for the moment UK law concerning
deliberate acts of violence resulting in the death of another person,
who, in your blood-crazed fantasies, would you skewer with a ricin-tipped
umbrella at a bus-stop if United go belly-up in the summer?
I am not racist, sexist, ageist or any other -ist. I find it much easier
to hate everybody equally. But to see Fatso Jock Steal Cheaty McFraud
drown in farm slurry, with my foot on his fat sweaty cheating head....
yes.... that would be sweet.
end of season bobbins....
- how was it for you?
you got a favourite/worst moment of the season? E-mail us your suggestions
to editorial@impsTALK.co.uk and we'll publish the best ones. If we get