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  Wreck draws crowds in Boston
Scavengers hail bumper harvest of unwanted crap

Bostonians were the lucky beneficiaries of a once-in-a-lifetime free for all yesterday after they ransacked the quite dull and not-very valuable cargo of a sinking ship which was beached by salvagers in the town yesterday, impsTALK can exclusively reveal.

Boston United FC was sailing between League Two and the Nationwide Conference and was sixteen points offshore when it encountered rough weather and began taking on debt.

With the boardroom overwhelmed, the crew of four sent out a distress call shortly before abandoning ship and taking to their emergency life rafts. Rescuers swiftly arrived but decided against trying to tow the ship into calmer waters and instead abandoned the hulk as it listed alarmingly to one side.

Within minutes, hundreds of frantic looters, foaming at the mouth, descended on the abandoned wreck like rabid vultures, tearing at the wreck and its cargo with apparent impunity.

Overhead, the Singleton NewsCorp Copter captured amazing footage of the ship as it was torn to pieces, and of the salvagers, some of whom had travelled from as far away as Darlington, running away with their useless booty completely unhindered.

“I’ve got John Blackwell!!” one salvager proclaimed as he wheeled the club secretary away in a wheelbarrow, while behind him organised gangs rolled Andy Marriott into their van as a nonchalant BLT-chomping policeman watched via webcam from his office in Skegness. One ex-policeman, who now resides in Norfolk, appointed himself as Head of Security, only to have his trousers stolen by unscrupulous scallywags as he prepared to make a press statement.

Little Bobby Shattocks, 8, was also spotted stumbling around the treacherous scene next to the once mighty vessel. “Daddy says he needs a bigger spade for the patio he’s building in the middle of the garden,” the wee little youngster said. “He sent me here to look because he’s too busy drinking vodka with mummy. When I tell him the ship wasn’t carrying spades he’ll hit me with the Davy Lamp.”

A crowd gathered as one ambitious punter attempted to snare a floating Lee Canoville a large pole, although the tide suddenly turned and carried him out towards cleaner, calmer waters, the spectators groaning in disappointment.

Elsewhere, another Boston resident, important Boston United fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead, was spotted dragging a crate full of Mark Greaves and Brad Maylett to his car. “I’m putting this on e-bay later,” he declared, an intention seemingly shared by the vast majority of those taking the cargo.

A search by impsTALK later revealed that a barrel containing Paul Ellender was already attracting bids of £0.01p on the popular auction site. Stephen Vaughan was attracting an even higher bid - £0.03p.

A spokesman for the wreck’s official receiver said of the despicable low-life looters: “They can have whatever they want, as long as they report it to us so we can decide if we want to reclaim it or not. Actually, no, they needn’t bother reporting it. It’s a waste of time. Frankly, we’re not arsed. This shit was only going to rot in a warehouse anyway.”

Opportunists Steve and Gee Evans also attended a frenzied scrum at another wreck – the MSC Napoli - to see what they could pick up following last week's incident on the south coast. By today (Tuesday) disappointed treasure hunters were left with hundreds of thousands of unsold and unwanted BUFC 2007 Calendars swilling around in the surf in Devon.

The calendars – which contain only pictures of Steve Evans and sinister chairman Little Jimmy given that they are the only people guaranteed to remain at the club longer than four weeks – are practically worthless and, according to a Friends of the Earth team, pose a grave environmental risk to the World Heritage site.

"The Boston United calenders were being shipped to mainlan Europe to be pulped and recycled," some lentil-bake chomping long-haired Guardian reading liberal told impsTALK. "There are so many of these unwanted products floating about that you can practically walk to France, which obviously has implications for seabirds trying to fish."

The same environmentalists, in confusion, also attempted to drag Steve Evans from the beach back into the Channel this afternoon. L
ater Evans, along with brother Gee, managed to break into a container washed up on rocks and discovered an entire family of Afghan refugees fleeing the fearsome crossfire and opium-fuelled warzone of Helmand Province.

It swiftly emerged that under an obscure clause of the Merchant Shipping Act, the Evans’ brothers assumed legal ownership the family upon discovering them.

“I couldn’t believe my luck,” Steve Evans told impsTALK this evening, revealing all six of the exhausted, shell-shocked refugees will go straight into the squad to face Walsall on Saturday. “They were so desperate they accepted an emergency month long loan deal,” the excited gaffer jabbered.

Video Interviews | More… | Signup
Ali Khan 'delighted' to pen short term deal

24-Jan-2007 A completely undecipherable video of 92-year old Abdur Ali Khan is now playing in the premium subscriber-only section of impsTALK. In the video he speaks of his terrifying nine-month ordeal fleeing murderous Taliban warlords and crawling across parched deserts infested with anti-personnel landmines and trigger-happy NATO troops only to be washed on a remote beach as property of the Evans Clan, and how much he fears playing alongside Drewe Broughton at the Bescot Stadium.
Length 1 minute

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