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Imps 2 - 1 Boston
Evans blames budget Xmas dinner
"Kill 'em all!" - Little Jimmy

Furious Boston United gaffer Steve Evans was left fuming after he was served TURKEY TWIZZLERS for his Christmas dinner – while Lincoln City staff tucked into prime roast turkey joints, and Evans wasted no time blaming the nutritionally destructive meal for defeat in the Yellow belly derby.

The gruesome eyelid feast was followed by an ice-cube for dessert, and to further rub salt into the hungry Scots’ wounds he was forced to forfeit his traditional bacon-wrapped chipolata sausages to make way for a double serving of BUSA Best Buy sprouts, boiled in mud and served with a grilled slice of decomposing cabbage.

Meanwhile thirty miles away, Imps boss John Schofield, painted in gold and fanned by nubile virgins, was snapped by Lincolnshire Echo paparazzi with his face buried in a Waitrose luxury strawberry cheesecake, while City stalwart Paul Morgan was spotted being hauled up Steep Hill by a winch after eating 1.3 tonnes of premier Belgian Chocolates.

Boston's cattle-feed dinner was prepared for United’s players and backroom staff by chairman Little Jimmy, a sinister puppet operated by Jim Rodwell now in ultimate control of affairs at Lavaflow and in the Pilgrims board room.

The Pilgrims piteous financial situation meant Little Jimmy had just four pence per person to spend, as the assembled staff gathered around the last remaining candle for warmth.

"Ideally, I wanted to spend Christmas at home with my family," said United midfielder Simon Rusk. "But since my house has been taken away from me by bailiffs I have no home now. This is my family. It's very kind of Little Jimmy to cook for us, even though he scares me. A lot."

“I hope you enjoy your Christmas dinner lads,” Jim Rodwell told his beleaguered staff as chief scout Gee Evans wheeled in the trough. “I’m terribly sorry. It’s all me and Little Jimmy can afford, until we find a big-hearted sugar-daddy prepared to pour millions of pounds out of his own pocket into the club and make us great again that is.”

“I hope you choke on it you bastards! Go on, choke on it you miserable bastards,” barked Little Jimmy, as Rodwell attempted to smother him with a tea towel. “Tell ‘em how much you hate ‘em Mr Rodwell, go on, tell ‘em. You don’t deserve us, you shitters.”

The next day, confronting the media after watching his side succumb to defeat at Sincil Bank, Evans blamed the sub-par Christmas dinner for everything.

“Steve Evans looks at the likes of Lincoln City, who are able to ply their players with twice the number of Yorkshire puddings than Boston United, and Steve Evans is flabbergasted,” said Steve Evans. “We’ve not got the resources of these giants of the world game, but Steve Evans knows that when faced with a plate of limp, leftover parsnips and Turkey Twizzlers that he has to roll up his sleeves and get on with the resources he has available to him."

Evans also had a special Christmas message for well-known important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead. “Steve Evans wishes that he would f*** off,” Evans said of the fan who has supported the Pilgrims since birth and has poured in excess of £14,000 of his own money into the club coffers in that time.

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