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Older seasons

Evans in transfer list downloading shame

Sordid secret of United gaffer exposed
“Think of the children” concerned residents cry

Boston United boss Steve Evans is facing possible action by local police after being caught OGLING the official player transfer list in a public toilet, and DOWNLOADING explicit lists of available teenage loan players on his office computer, can exclusively reveal.

Furthermore, the Pilgrims gaffer is also believed to have relieved his transfer frustrations by trying to LURE young males to his club on an internet chatroom by offering them first team football – WITHOUT the knowledge of club chairman Crazee Jim.

The initial incident took place late on Monday evening, when concerned, yet drunk, parent Mr Jack Shattocks heard strange noises coming from a cubicle in the Central Park public lavatories. Believing the culprit to be well-know park ruffian and ex-programme contributor Scott Dalton, and fearing for his son Bobby’s safety, Mr Shattocks quickly summoned police officers to the park.

But by the time armed officers arrived, the person inside the cubicle had fled in haste, leaving behind a used fax modem and thirty-five pages of the PFA transfer list.

Forensic evidence gathered at the scene appeared to link the incident with United boss Evans, and this indication was further confirmed by shocked boardroom table polisher Colin Woodcock after he disturbed Evans as he was downloading a PDF version of the same list in his portakabin office later that day.

Woodcock inadvertently walked into Evans’ office to empty the bins without realising the United gaffer was busy viewing page after page of available players from the Championship.

A hurried internal investigation by the club led to Evans’ PC being taken away for examination by experts – who were dumbfounded by what they discovered hidden on the computer’s hard drive.

One told impsTALK: “We found chat room logs between Evans, who was posing as Colin Calderwood474 and PeterTaylor77, and players as young as nineteen, offering them sometimes as much as £75 per week for first team football. This is sickening, totally nauseating behaviour. We’re operating on 60% of the Conference budget for Christ’s sake.”

Appalled, and very important, Staffsmart Street resident Bob Mugfret-Fishhead roared: “I think I speak for every local resident when I tell you that this man is a monster and needs locking up. Think of the children, think of the children. How long until one of OUR sons ends up on the United bench?”

Professor Gary Wigwam, a specialist in something at the University of Swineshead, believes that Evans is displaying classic withdrawal symptoms.

“This type of behaviour is consistent with what you’d expect from an addict struggling to endure a period of cold turkey,” he said. “Mr Evans is addicted to the transfer market, so much so that he cannot operate without it and lacks the willpower to stay away from it – even though he knows it’s financially destructive. I suppose we can be thankful he has not turned to crime to fuel his habit like so many others.”

Despite the worrying development, club chairman Crazee Jimmy is in no hurry to make personnel changes at the club. “I must admit that I had no idea Steve was up to this kind of thing,” Jimmy said at a press conference this morning. “Still, it could be worse – we could have leprosy. We need a new ground."

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