Jimmy announces 'Sweat with Stevie'
Bid to combat growing number of fans unable to attend Pilgrims games
week’s startling revelation that Boston’s population is
mostly comprised of sausage-roll chomping BUMBERLADAS who sweat GRAVY
the moment they rise off the sofa has concerned many local figures,
not least zany Pilgrims chairman Crazee Jimmy Rodwell.
Jimmy, speaking this morning exclusively to impsTALK, expressed his
horror at Boston being named as the fattest place in Western Europe,
and explained why he has today announced the release of ‘Sweat
With Steve’ – a VHS/DVD fitness video starring club boss
it said that the attendances at the Staffsmart Arena are falling because
I continue to employ a criminal as club boss," Rodwell scoffed this
morning. "That's obviously rubbish. What's actually happening is
that our fans, who still want to come to games and support Steve, are
getting so enormous that they cannot physically fit through the turnstiles
at the ground. No matter how hard we get the stewards to push, they just
“I’m not one to promote the idea that, far from being the
unfortunate victims of a socio-economic poverty-driven postcode lottery,
the clinically obese are actually some kind of sub-human freaks for whom
the most effective treatment would be the firing squad. Besides, that
judgment neglects to consider how much cash these weirdoes are prepared
to throw at their problem before turning to professionals.
"They don’t need NHS treatment, psychiatric care, nor do they
need sensationalist Channel Five documentaries belittling their plight.
No, what they really need is ‘Sweat With Steve’, eighty minutes
of pumping workouts with Lincolnshire’s Premier Fitness Guru™!”
over the summer, ‘Sweat With Steve’ is a motivational fitness
aid in which Boston’s Mr Motivator, Evans, takes to the pristine
beaches at Skegness aided by out-of-favour squad members. In part one,
Steve forces one player to run to Cleethorpes and back to fetch him a
bacon bap. The player collapses near Sutton-on-Sea, exhausted, and is
released on a free transfer after being discovered by a man walking his
part two, Evans tries to survive on a diet of minus four Weight Watcher
points per day, with disastrous consequences.
video will be available from the club shop from Monday and along with
the recent launch of the Armchair Fan Protest pack, Crazee Jimmy hopes
the club will be able to raise sufficient funds to survive until November.
PE teacher Nick Ticker welcomed the launch of the new video, telling impsTALK:
“PE lessons at this school ceased three years ago when our field
was sold for housing and the children became so engorged with complex
fats that they suffered multiple-cardiac arrests whenever they were asked
to perform three consecutive squat-thrusts.
since then, my lessons consist of me sticking on Match of the Day for
the lads, and Hollyoaks for the girls. Keeps them happy, and while they’re
watching I can plot my escape from the teaching profession with ever increasing
desperation. I imagine this new video is sufficiently challenging, on
a physical level, for me to pass our next OFSTED inspection.”