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Evans feeling pinch as Sky-Virgin dispute drags on

Sunday nights in the Evans household have taken a turn for the worse as Virgin Media’s bitter feud with BSkyB enters its third week, impsTALK can exclusively reveal in tonight’s breaking news exclusive update.

Evans’ Sunday evening routine of locking himself away to watch brand new episodes of Lost and 24 was brought to an abrupt end by the dispute between the two media giants which resulted in the Murdoch-owned satellite platform withdrawing its basic packages from the cable network – including Sky One and Sky Sports News.

The loss of 24 and Lost has devastated Evans, who has, over the last two weekends, been forced from his private study to watch sub-standard multi-channel programming or participate in fun-filled family games of Pictionary, Taboo and Atmosfear. There have also been a number of unsuccessful attempts to cajole Evans into participating in a game of vintage 1980s board game Sorry!.

Speaking of the Sunday routine disrupted by the loss of Sky One, one anonymous source, who only wanted to be identified as ‘Boston United chief scout Gee Evans’, told impsTALK: “Steve used to tell his family he was watching the Pilgrims match videos, but in reality there were never any videos. He used to settle down with a bag of cheese ‘n chive Pringles and some garlic dip and watch Jack Bauer shoot a few terrorists.”

According to ‘Boston United chief scout Gee Evans’, Evans would later pick a completely random player upon whom he could heap savage criticism when speaking to the press on Monday morning, normally Andy Marriott.

But now Sky One has been removed from his television screen, Evans has a much depleted choice of digital channels to choose from, leading to the Pilgrims gaffer bemoaning the meagre entertainment resources available to him.

“When Steve Evans intrusively peers through next door’s front window and sees his neighbour enjoying series three of exotic island-based mystery drama Lost, and new episodes of the multi award-winning thriller 24, Steve Evans is left feeling demotivated-itised,” Steve Evans said. “When Steve Evans’ neighbour can call upon Sky One at the push of a button, and all Steve Evans has available is a repeat of The World’s Wackiest Sectarian Genocides on UK Discovery Bravo History +5, it really is little wonder that Steve Evans starts feeling sick to the back teeth.

Virgin Media: quality programs

“Steve Evans will sit down with Mrs Steve Evans over the next couple of days and see if there are any funds available to bring in a Sky dish and a fresh batch of premier entertainment channels. Steve Evans doesn’t expect people to understand the constraints Steve Evans is working under.

“Maybe Steve Evans will reveal all in May, once Steve Evans has extricated himself from his binding contractual obligation to the cable network formerly known as NTL and moved onto pastures new. But Steve Evans won’t quit Virgin just yet. Maybe that’s because Steve Evans is an absolute clown. We’ll see in May.”

The beleaguered boss managed to procure a Freeview box on loan from Chester City chairman Stephen Vaughan yesterday, but it turned out to be a resoundingly useless lump of over-hyped garbage. It utterly failed to operate effectively, despite the promises of its former owner and the puzzling gushing praise of the buyer, and was swiftly discarded.

Evans also revealed to impsTALK today that the Evans household is in the grip of scandal after he was caught cheating during a game of Pictionary forced upon him by the loss of his favourite television channels.

Realising his limited artistic skills were not going to be sufficient to win him the game on merit, Evans smuggled a set of pre-prepared full colour postcards up his sleeve.

Controversy has been raging ever since Evans was discovered using the underhand tactics to win the game and, to make matters worse, caught trying to bribe invited guests, including close friends Sir Alf Ramsey, Bob Paisley, Brian Clough and Ady Boothroyd, not to ‘grass him up’.

“It’s just like the Conference days,” gushed Evans, as he ordered a muscular brute built like a gorilla back to Watford Gap Services to pretend to be Boothroyd’s brother during negotiations to extend Albert Jarrett’s loan spell with Boston.

The loss of Sky Sports News has, however, benefited the football club itself since chief scout Gee is no longer able to lounge around in his pants watching Gillette Soccer Saturday when supposed to be out and about scouting.

15 March 2007

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