Evans feeling pinch as Sky-Virgin dispute drags on
nights in the Evans household have taken a turn for the worse as Virgin
Media’s bitter feud with BSkyB enters its third week, impsTALK
can exclusively reveal in tonight’s breaking news exclusive update.
Sunday evening routine of locking himself away to watch brand new episodes
of Lost and 24 was brought to an abrupt end by the
dispute between the two media giants which resulted in the Murdoch-owned
satellite platform withdrawing its basic packages from the cable network
– including Sky One and Sky Sports News.
of 24 and Lost has devastated Evans, who has, over
the last two weekends, been forced from his private study to watch sub-standard
multi-channel programming or participate in fun-filled family games
of Pictionary, Taboo and Atmosfear. There have also been a number of
unsuccessful attempts to cajole Evans into participating in a game of
vintage 1980s board game Sorry!.
Speaking of the Sunday routine disrupted by the loss of Sky One, one
anonymous source, who only wanted to be identified as ‘Boston
United chief scout Gee Evans’, told impsTALK: “Steve used
to tell his family he was watching the Pilgrims match videos, but in
reality there were never any videos. He used to settle down with a bag
of cheese ‘n chive Pringles and some garlic dip and watch Jack
Bauer shoot a few terrorists.”
to ‘Boston United chief scout Gee Evans’, Evans would later
pick a completely random player upon whom he could heap savage criticism
when speaking to the press on Monday morning, normally Andy Marriott.
now Sky One has been removed from his television screen, Evans has a
much depleted choice of digital channels to choose from, leading to
the Pilgrims gaffer bemoaning the meagre entertainment resources available
Steve Evans intrusively peers through next door’s front window
and sees his neighbour enjoying series three of exotic island-based
mystery drama Lost, and new episodes of the multi award-winning
thriller 24, Steve Evans is left feeling demotivated-itised,”
Steve Evans said. “When Steve Evans’ neighbour can call
upon Sky One at the push of a button, and all Steve Evans has available
is a repeat of The World’s Wackiest Sectarian Genocides
on UK Discovery Bravo History +5, it really is little wonder that Steve
Evans starts feeling sick to the back teeth.
Media: quality programs
Evans will sit down with Mrs Steve Evans over the next couple of days
and see if there are any funds available to bring in a Sky dish and
a fresh batch of premier entertainment channels. Steve Evans doesn’t
expect people to understand the constraints Steve Evans is working under.
“Maybe Steve Evans will reveal all in May, once Steve Evans has
extricated himself from his binding contractual obligation to the cable
network formerly known as NTL and moved onto pastures new. But Steve
Evans won’t quit Virgin just yet. Maybe that’s because Steve
Evans is an absolute clown. We’ll see in May.”
The beleaguered boss managed to procure a Freeview box on loan from
Chester City chairman Stephen Vaughan yesterday, but it turned out to
be a resoundingly useless lump of over-hyped garbage. It utterly failed
to operate effectively, despite the promises of its former owner and
the puzzling gushing praise of the buyer, and was swiftly discarded.
Evans also revealed to impsTALK today that the Evans household is in
the grip of scandal after he was caught cheating during a game of Pictionary
forced upon him by the loss of his favourite television channels.
Realising his limited artistic skills were not going to be sufficient
to win him the game on merit, Evans smuggled a set of pre-prepared full
colour postcards up his sleeve.
Controversy has been raging ever since Evans was discovered using the
underhand tactics to win the game and, to make matters worse, caught
trying to bribe invited guests, including close friends Sir Alf Ramsey,
Bob Paisley, Brian Clough and Ady Boothroyd, not to ‘grass him
“It’s just like the Conference days,” gushed Evans,
as he ordered a muscular brute built like a gorilla back to Watford
Gap Services to pretend to be Boothroyd’s brother during negotiations
to extend Albert Jarrett’s loan spell with Boston.
The loss of Sky Sports News has, however, benefited the football club
itself since chief scout Gee is no longer able to lounge around in his
pants watching Gillette Soccer Saturday when supposed to be
out and about scouting.