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Older seasons

More krazee income streams identified to boost empty coffers, pay taxman
"It was a market we couldn't afford to ignore" - Rodwell

Eager to cash in on the growing number of disaffected Pilgrims fans staying away from the Staffsmart Arena until tax conman Swagbag Steve Evans is fired, soon-to-be-liquidated Boston United have launched the all-new ‘Armchair Moaner Protest Pack’, courtesy of Crazee Jimmy’s World of Bargains.

Priced at just £12.99, the pack is available from the official club shop as of today, with club chairman Crazee Jimmy hoping they will prove a big hit with slightly angry, but lazy, United fans who want to express their disgust at the club with the minimum of effort and expense.

The pack buys fans a highly convenient, integrated off-the-shelf solution to all their carping needs as the Pilgrims crash spectacularly out of the Football League, joining distinguished company in the guise of Accrington, Southport, Newport, Aldershot and Maidstone United.

Disgruntled Pilgrims fan vents fury

Holiday destination

Features included in the pack are:

  • 1 adult season ticket marinated in exclusive Batemans-branded premium lighter fluid and laced with weapons-grade white phosphorous to permit easier and more theatrical burning
  • 1 permit for 20 seconds worth of unimpeded sprinting towards the dugout with complete immunity from ejection and/or arrest. Fist shaking recommended but not obligatory.
  • 3 complimentary, highly personal insults that can be delivered within earshot of the manager without fear of reprisals. No topic taboo – not even brain tumours (by appointment only, book early to avoid disappointment!)
  • 5 ready-written letter templates addressed to Boston Target and Boston Standard signed off ‘Disgusted United Fan’
  • 15 pre-paid ranting text messages to BBC Radio Lincolnshire with the option to upgrade, at extra cost, to one telephone call to a completely uninterested DJ Spoony on 606
  • 1 copy of the Non League Club Directory 2007/2008 – brush up on next season’s Central Midlands League rivals
  • 5 fashionable gun-metal grey ‘handcuff’ wristbands
  • 1 limited edition framed replica court summons signed by Steve Evans, John Blackwell and Pat Malkinson – sure to be a collector’s item in the coming decades

Boston chairman Crazee Jimmy explained: “Being an angry football fan is a real effort in the current climate, and unlike the 80s and 90s people just don’t have the time, the money or the inclination to organise mass protests like they used to. Gone are the days of fanzines, pitch invasions, town-centre processions and petrol bombs aimed at the directors’ box. You might get a few isolated incidents at the larger clubs, but not in the bottom divisions anymore.

“Now, supporters expend all their energy trying to get on the housing ladder or keeping on top of credit card debt. They either sit in grim silence, accepting their fate with an air of resigned despondency, or, more likely, they don’t bother turning up at all. When they do get militant, it’s often aimed at their own ranks rather than concentrated at us. You could say that’s a Godsend, but in reality it’s a ripe market for us to exploit.”

Crazee Jimmy hopes the Protest packs will fly off the shelves as out-of-the-box protests become ever more popular with fans ready to pay for the chance to voice their disapproval without the risk or inconvenience.

One man interested in taking the idea of the Protest Pack to his own club is sinister Darlington executive Jon Sotnick, who has been keeping a close eye on his former team. The self-proclaimed King of Crisis, who is in the process of plunging his second successive club into a destructive cycle of turmoil, commended his old colleague for successfully marketing the innovative product.

“I always knew Crazee Jim had the kind of business brain that was on my level,” Sotnick said from his plush office today as he posted another seven P45s to club employees. “In many ways, he and I are the same. We both like to tackle the issues that really matter to fans in an inconsistent, irrational and illogical manner, offer little or no explanation for our actions, give half-hearted interviews to unquestioning press officers and oversee incompetent coaching regimes that contrive to turn talented squads into hapless, lower table no-hopers.

“In doing so, we create a ripe market for these so-called Protest Packs, and there’s little doubt that with some minor tinkering they’ll be as big a hit in Darlington as they’ll be in Boston. Lord knows how I’ll spend the increased revenue streams we’ll be bringing in. A new car, perhaps. Maybe a holiday. Or I might even treat my wee little Scottish munchkin to a fat signing on fee if he avoids landing himself in the clanger.”

HURRY! As an limited-time-only offer, fans who purchase the ‘Armchair Moaner Protest Pack’ will also quality for an amazing 15% discount on The Steve Evans Experience, an exclusive guided sightseeing tour of the most notorious Steve Evans hangouts, with unique roleplay opportunities.

This action-adventure coach holiday, courtesy of Crazee Jimmy’s World of Bargain Holidays, lasts for 14 days, with you beginning your journey at a two star hotel in Stamford before transferring to Boston. Trips to Skegness beach, Dagenham, London and Libya follow as you act out the amazing double life of one of football’s most wanted fugitives.

For the discounted rate of a mere £8000, participants can:

SEE the actual service station where terrified midfielder Jim Dick was cornered by a hefty bruiser posing as his brother
SLIDE a replica suitcase full of cash to another burly minder in a multi-story car park
FORCE your best players to sign duplicate contracts behind the bike sheds
RAID a mock up of the Boston United offices, trying to avoid shooting innocent bystanders
BRIBE crucial witnesses with mountains of fake monopoly money
FACE the wrath of a simulated FA Inquiry

Your amazing journey will climax with a three day stay at the most technologically advanced resort in the world – EvoWorld. Built on a former Pontins camp in Norfolk, Evoworld brings to life the mercenary world of Steve Evans in a completely safe* environment.

Lifelike androids throng the streets of EvoWorld playing attractive games of Brazilian street soccer. Your task is to assemble eleven of the very best and craft them into a team of hacking, fouling hoofers ready to compete in the EvoBowl tournament against other sightseers and their teams of anarchic Yul Brynner lookalikes. If your team wins the tournament, your holiday will be paid for in full by Crazee Jimmy himself**!!!!

You won’t believe it’s not real!

*despite careful monitoring by scientists sat in an ill-advisedly airtight bunker, lethal short circuits may still occur
** Up to the value of £120

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