AM THE LAW!
"I'll sue whoever it was wrote that letter sent
to the FA accusing us of something!!" roars Sotnick
Lavaflow chairman Jon Sotnick has vowed to sue the person behind last
week’s match fixing allegations, impsTALK has learned after picking
up a copy of the Boston Standard earlier today.
businessman is furious that an anonymous letter writer contacted the Football
Association to highlight the fact that large sums of cash had been bet
on Carlise United beating United by a two-goal margin earlier this year.
“I’ll sue, I’ll sue, I’ll sue the fuckers!”
Sotnick raged when he heard the news. “These people have no idea
what I’m capable of - someone’s going to pay!”
FA refused to confirm the identity of the writer, although it has
been rumoured he/she is a professional gambler based in Singapore.
The club quickly ruled out Mark Isaac or the Supporters Trust as the
source of the letter, and were today busily sifting through approximately
158,521 suspects, mostly people or organisations believed to bear
a grudge against either the club, Lavaflow, and Steve or Gee Evans.
However, with the sheer bewildering array of enemies, Lavaflow are no
closer to identifying who they need to fight in court.
In the absence of anybody to sue, Boston United have launched their exciting
new ‘It Could Be Sue!’ lottery game. The game will see a name
plucked at random by John Blackwell, with the unlucky winner the subject
of court action by a bank of highly paid, ass-kicking lawyers working
for and on behalf of Lavaflow Ltd. Entry is free – but mandatory
– for all people living within a 25 mile radius of the Staffsmart
Officially launching the lottery game, Jon Sotnick said: “I’ve
been telling anyone that wants to listen that this club needs additional
income flows, or it’s going down big time. All proceeds from ‘It
Could Be Sue!’ will be heading into Lavaflow’s coffers, meaning
we can loan your shitty football club even more cash! So everyone’s
a winner. Except Boston United, and its hapless fans of course.”
lottery machine picks a name from the electoral roll at random when Blackwell
pushes a large red button. The first lottery winner, during last night’s
debut show on BUTV, was Mr B Mugfret-Fishhead, of Staffsmart Street, Boston.
He was immediately issued with a writ claiming damages in excess of £5.6
Posing with a bottle of lambrini and handcuffed to a burly security officer
working for Losealot, the lottery operators, Mr Mugfret-Fishhead remarked:
“Run while you can for the love of God. Don’t let your children
“Despite this lottery game and the billions it will bring to me,
we still need a new ground,” Sotnick added.