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Older seasons

Evans hails arrival of 'greatest ever' excuse

Boston United’s calamitous capitulation at the hands of relegation fodder Rochdale at Spotland yesterday may have marked the nadir of a horrific year for Pilgrims fans, but for gaffer Steve Evans it was the perfect opportunity to unveil his latest signing – a near perfect excuse he has been working on for nearly a month.

Speaking with incredulous members of the media after watching his players amble about the sodden pitch in a state of confusion, Evans revealed that his squad had threatened to strike because of a dispute over unpaid wages.

Dressing room talk of strike action, Evans explained, had ruined his player’s preparations for the tricky six-pointer and had upset the delicate balance of the squad that has been so effective thus far in 06/07.

After the post-match press conference, Evans held a post-post-match press conference in which he said how ‘delighted’ he’d been with his performance and the material he’d been working on over the last few weeks.

“At the start of the season Steve Evans said Steve Evans would prefer quality over quantity, but only now is that policy really showing dividends," Evans said. "Me and the boys have been working hard on the training microphones for a few weeks to put this one together, and credit to the Chairman and the Lavaflow board for letting me bring this one in.

“An excuse like that really takes so hard work, and it’s been a long time in the making. Obviously we can't compete with the excuses of the big boys in the league, but I really think that, with this one we're really punching above our weight. We've been looking to add some new excuses for a few weeks, and have had Gee [Evans] scouring the planet for new and original ideas, but haven't been able to strike deals until now.

“I really think the football world will sit up and take notice of us with this one - this is probably the best excuse outside of the Championship.”

Lavaflow boss Jim Rodwell said Evans’ performance vindicated his decision to keep the Scotsman on after his November conviction for defrauding the public revenue.

“I’ve said all along that Steve was the right man for the job” Rodwell remarked. “Obviously, at the same time, I sympathise with the players somewhat, since I’m not able to pay them their wages. It’s a dreadful time of year for that to happen, and I can only apologise to the players, to the backroom staff, and most of all Steve Evans himself, who quite rightly pointed out that only a clown would carry on working, unpaid, in the desolate backwaters of rural Lincolnshire.”

However, Rodwell’s apology was somewhat undermined by sinister Lavaflow vice-chairman Little Jimmy, Rodwell’s ever present puppet, who barked obscenities while his embarrassed ventriloquist tried to smother him with a Boston United-branded blanket.

“Feck em, Jim! Feck the lot of them. Prancing around in shorts and long socks like a bunch of fecking poofters. Tell them to sell their cars, the feckers. Tell ‘em to piss off to Kettering, go on, do it. Tell ‘em if they hadn’t spent so much money on haircuts and gel they might be able to afford a Christmas, go on Jim! I'm not going back in the box, I won’t, I won’t! You can’t stop me anyway – I’m already in your head Jim! I’m in your head!”

Boston United’s relegation season continues when they face Barnet on New Year’s Day, kick-off 3.00pm

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