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CHAINED TO THE GOONS
-
United, potentially homeless this Thursday, squatting in Conference

To their absolute horror, Conference officials have been locked out of their OWN division tonight after stricken cheats Boston United broke in and claimed squatters rights, impsTALK can exclusively reveal in today’s breaking news breaking update.

Although technically relegated from the Football League after Saturday’s defeat at the hands of Wrexham, shameless United are far from guaranteed to take their place in non-league’s top division in 2007/2008 such is their financial predicament.

This evening, the opportunistic fraudsters took their chance to secure their position in a league that does not want them, scrambling through an unlocked bathroom window while Conference officials were out.


Get outta my house!

The board of the unlucky division arrived home after a meal to celebrate five consecutive controversy and cheating-free years to find the front door smeared with excrement, barricaded, and a sinister puppet figure hurling vicious abuse at them from an upstairs window.

The police were immediately called, but there was little they could legally do to remove the disgraced Lincolnshire football club from Conference property, who were able to exploit their second legal loophole of the past few days.

“We’d been out having a good time, enjoying the play-offs – and then we come back to this,” distraught chairman John Moules told impsTALK as furniture was dumped out of the windows and set alight in the front garden by feral youths. “The police say there’s no way we can get them out because of the squatters rights. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.”

United vice-chairman Little Jimmy has already stated that should the Conference attempt to evict them by force, Boston will take their case to the courts, claiming asylum in the Conference – a process that would almost certainly result in a protracted court battle.

Before and after: the future of a BUFC controlled Conference North?

“Try it! Try and move us now, you worthless feckers, you specks of dirt!” the sinister frontman screamed through an open window at gathered reporters this evening. “Just try to, you bastards! Evicting us will guarantee us four more years in your tinpot league while our case is heard! We’ve got you by the balls, you feckers!”

United’s squatting might have only lasted a few short hours, but already the club is causing severe disruption, and are being regarded as an unwanted nuisance by their neighbours.

“They’ve already destroyed the back yard, and the filth is piling up” said a spokesman for the Southern Premier League. “The stench of rotting carcasses is awful, and there are rats, y’know, crawling all over the place. Filthy, disgusting. Ugh! Makes my skin crawl, the lot of them.”

More immediately worrying for Conference officials was the breaking exclusive on Sky Sports News this evening that Pilgrims chairman Jim Rodwell was submitting plans to acquire the Conference North and sell it on for redevelopment - in this case to the Polish Speedway Association for redevelopment as a Warsaw-based speedway league.

The plans, which would also include relocating the Conference South to the Falkland Islands and turning it into a block of premium holiday chalets, have already been given a public vote of confidence by the Boston United Supporters Association.

“Vroom vroom!” BUSA boss Dale Allitt said when asked for comment by impsTALK today. “97% of the people I’ve polled are in favour of whatever it is Jimmy’s up to. They love it.”

However, the idea was strongly condemned by the Boston United Supporters Trust, who released a statement comprised entirely of commas on NHS-headed stationary. “,,,,,” the statement said. “,,,,,,,,,; ,,,,,,,, , ,,,,,,,,,,,, , ,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

But even before the plans are put before the authorities later this month, the Conference is feeling the pinch.

“According to police spotters, Little Jimmy has already eaten all the food out of our fridge,” Conference vice-chairman Charles Clapham said at a hastily convened press conference this evening. “Including the scotch egg I was saving for supper. Apparently, he’s contacted an intermediary and said he’ll pay back 47% of the scotch egg over three years - subject to the sale of the Conference North being allowed to go through.”

Local police reiterated there was nothing they could do to move the club on, and reminded football leagues of the dangers of squatters.

“This particular case highlights the need for all football leagues, however tinpot, to be vigilant at all times. We cannot stress the importance of making sure all doors, windows and gates are locked and secured,” said Sergeant Mike Crankbat.

“All it takes is one opportunistic outfit exploiting gaps in your security to ruin years of hard graft. Once undesirables such as Boston gain entry, it can awfully difficult to rid yourselves of them.

“The only thing you can hope is that they suddenly wake up and realise to what depths they’ve sunk to, how they’ve managed to ostracise an entire community and somehow project a repulsive public image that only the criminally insane could possibly find attractive. Sadly, with people like that, it never happens.”


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