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Boston 'doomed' say scientists

It may be a slow news day in the Midlands or a terrifying vision of what the future holds for the town, but either way today’s startling news that Boston could soon be swimming with the fishes has caused shockwaves of the non-saltwater variety at the StaffSmart Mega-Arena (©©©™®®©™™).

The Nottingham Evening Post’s Wednesday breaking news update consisted of a headline designed to induce mass hysteria among its gun-wielding citizens, suggesting the crime-ridden murder capital would be a COASTAL city (by 2200).

A map published in the paper placed Nottingham at the edge of a vast bay swamping much of eastern England, prompting hundreds to rush to buy swimming costumes, bucket and spades and deck-chairs, as well as various types of land-mine to protect their beach assets from rampaging drug-warlords.

Land ahoy!

But while Nottingham folk were busy opening cheap arcades, tacky gift shops and sewage pumping stations, visitors from South Lincolnshire were left to glumly contemplate the small white dot marked ‘BOSTON’ located smack bang in the middle of the sea, with their town predicted to be an excellent fishing location for visiting tourists.

The shocking news was reported by scientists at the University of Swineshead in the International Journal of South Lincolnshire Ports Likely to be Fucked if the Sea Rises Even Slightly.

The article, extracts of which we reprinted in the Evening Post, states that Boston's flood defence are predicted to be swiftly and unstoppably overwhelmed as the water level rises relentlessly over the terms of nearly fifty carbon-loving Republican US presidents.

Aside from the many children expected to be left to drown by their merciless parents fleeing the huge tidal swell, one of the more high profile casualties of the town’s demise will be popular League Two side Boston United, with the current off-field problems plaguing the club being firmly placed into perspective by today’s lazy, scaremongering journalism.

The club will be left without a home when the barnacles move in to call the Town End terrace their own and will face an even more uncertain future. The publicity battle has already begun in earnest, with club chairman Jim Rodwell launching a smear campaign against the North Sea, claiming it has already forced one major club sponsor to walk away to Kings Lynn, where the entire town will be saved from a similar watery doom by being placed on a huge floating pontoon.

“It’s absolutely scandalous that this so called sea, which incidentally isn’t anything like as salty as the Black Sea, feels it can make these outrageous advances,” stormed Rodwell today while browsing for designer life-preservers.

“Ex-sinister Lavaflow frontman Jon Sotnick has already gone on record saying we will hand the club over in the future, but there’s no way we’re handing it over to five trillion cubic litres of icy sea-water and a floating tampon, not without assurances that it will be able to pay off the £89.4 squadgazillion owed to Jon anyway.”

Asked if he would maintain the tradition of a captain going down with his ship as the water advanced on the ground Rodwell replied: “Of course not. I use six different moisturisers and, if you recall, it’s women and children first.”

The Boston United Trust, BUFCST, released a statement this afternoon declaring at has nothing to do with the impending catastrophe, despite claims that the sea-level rises were a result of excessive tides caused by the gravitational pull of Mark Isaac’s cigars. BUSA boss Dale Allitt said he was '97% confident he'd be long dead before this happened anyway so bring on the blazers'.

"I need a new tie," Allitt added.

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