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Bloody L!
Boston United alphabet shortage

Boston United are running short of the letter 'L', impsTALK can exclusively reveal in today's Monday breaking news breaking exclusive update.

The letter - an abbreviation for 'lost' - is in short supply thanks to the Pilgrims' wretched form this season. The letter is used to mark a defeat on the club's official website - and so many have been used during 2006/2007 that the club has completely run out.

The problem emerged when United were updating their website following the weekend's loss at home to Hartlepool. Press officer Craig Singleton entered another L beside the Boston v Hartlepool game - and realised he had used the last remaining letter.

One witness, important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead, was present when the shocking discovery was made.

"I showed up at the ground to buy my early bird ticket for MK Dons," the important fan said. "Craig was rummaging around the drawers in a state of panic asking if anyone had seen the spare box of Ls he thought he had.

"He kept saying he thought he'd seen one at the back of the drawers with all the brown envelopes in, but he wasn't sure."

According to Mugfret-Fishhead, a row then erupted between club secretary John Blackwell and Singleton after Blackwell accused the young press officer of 'messing up his drawers'.

"I haven't seen your bloody Ls anywhere!' Blackwell is alleged to have shouted. "Put those Conference application forms away as well! I might need them next season."

Stocks run dry as intensive L usage leads to shortage

Mr Mugfret-Fishhead spoke of what happened next.

"Singleton then opened a cupboard and was struck by a collapsing stack of letter Ws, along with a sprinkling of letter Ds," he revealed. "The Ws were pretty dusty. Blackwell was coughing and spluttering. He was raging by this point and there was fire in his eyes. I think I'll get my ticket later in the week when he's calmed down a bit."

In a statement released today by sinister Pilgrims chairman Little Jimmy Rodwell, which itself was devoid of Ls given the current lack of resources at the club, Boston appealed for generous fans to donate any extra Ls they might be able to spare.

The statement on the official website said: "We urgenty require more etters before this weekend's game at Miton Keynes. It is highy ikeky we wi need further etters after this fixture - pease hep you miserabe cowns. Rot in he you miserabe, ignorant bastards, I' ki you a!"

2 March 2007

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