NOT RESIGNING OVER 'HOOF-GATE' SCANDAL
Untold numbers of ex-BUFC players roaming streets
Who is thinking of the children?
chasing Boston United’s™ record-breaking legend™ Steve
Evans is under growing pressure to resign his position tonight over the
release of several dangerous hoof-ball offenders, many of whom have committed
further crimes against football since their release from York Street.
The scandal emerged last week when impsTALK, in a breaking news development,
revealed how innumerable purveyors of the long ball game were accidentally
released from custody without being considered for deportation to Boston
Players accidentally released include Noel 'toe-nog' Whelan, Ben 'fuckin'
ave it!' Futcher, Jason 'lump it' Lee and 5874 other players detained
on one month loan deals.
security York Street detention facility is already home to some of the
most unstable hoof-ball merchants in the UK, serial ball-thumper Lee ‘Cape’
Canoville the most notorious, with the squad being managed like the ruined
Chernobyl nuclear reactor – from a distance with tongs.
The released players were set free and moved away from the town over a
period of nine months without being properly managed once on the street.
Nobody knows for sure how many aimless, lofted punts up field have occurred
around the country as a result, but one expert has estimated that a startling
597% increase in pointless goal kicks is to be expected outside of Lincolnshire
during the 06/07 season.
Despite the fiasco, Evans continues to cling onto his tenuous position
and has received the backing of boardroom table polisher Colin Woodcock.
“Steve is real asset to Boston United,” Woodcock gushed, prompting
sinister Lavaflow boss Jon Sotnick to try and sell his cuddly Scottish
munchkin for residential redevelopment.
Despite the backing of such an influential figure, pressure is slowly
being heaped on Evans. Victims in Grimsby have been furiously demanding
Evans’ resignation after Ben Futcher caused massive emotional and
psychological trauma following his release from Boston.
“We have some good padlocks here,” important Grimsby fan Alf
Tugshaft-Codhead told impsTALK, “But not even that could stop the
towering tonker from barging his way in and booting the ball off for a
goal kick straight from kick-off. Think of the children! My God –
think of the children!”
Meanwhile, in a not-at-all contrived and somewhat ironic twist, it has
recently been discovered that the 43 year old Scottish national Evans,
who was implicated in breaking FA Rule E3 after being ejected by police
into the wild streets of Cleethorpes back in February, was considered
for deportation to his home country following a string of earlier offences
- but it was considered that he would be the subject of torture by bagpipes
if returned to Scotland.
Important Daily Mail reader Bob Mugfret-Fishhead said: "It's a bloody
disgrace, all foreigners need stringing up and hitting with pool cues,
and that includes the Scottish."
The Boston United FC Supporters Trust ignored the latest dramatic developments
at York Street, choosing instead to release a statement condemning the
recent construction of a stone circle near Amesbury in Wiltshire.
"This newly constructed stone temple and earth mound is a white elephant
and, quite frankly, an embarrassment for the Druids," a statement
on the Trust website said.