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Older seasons

New world discovered in North Sea: Evansland
Dumped bio-mass forms new society

British scientists were stunned this morning when satellite photos revealed a new landmass forming in the North Sea off the coast of Skegness.

The anomaly appears to be in the same area that Boston United director Colin Woodcock dumped the server containing the club’s official website at the suggestion of a fan, leading many observers to speculate that the huge amount of organic waste contained on the server is responsible.

Scientists landed on the landmass hours after the startling discovery and found living organisms, human in appearance, living in a highly developed society.

Scientist Prof Harold Tavern told impsTALK: ‘Low level fly-bys of the island by the RAF revealed a new, hitherto untouched civilisation that has developed beyond all known evolutionary laws. We landed a short while afterwards and met little hostile resistance, although we were only allowed to land once we confirmed our names weren’t Gary or Keith.

‘The new society works in a similar way to an ants nest. At the top is a Queen, but in fact in this colony the Queen is a King: a large male with a Scottish accent who calls himself Evans. Underneath him is a thriving second-tier of obedient workers who fan the King and allow him only the finest foods, wines and top-brand mascara.

‘The rest of the colony is populated by workers who must fight for the tiny scraps of food and make-up that remain, but who remain in thrall of their leader and worship him with glazed-eyed obedience.’

The society calls itself Evansland, scientists have discovered, and although highly developed the colony works slightly differently to the rest of Western society.

Dr Brian McFickgutt spent several hours observing the new world and made some astonishing discoveries.

‘In Evansland, whole towns are bulldozed so bigger and better versions can be built, usually around June and July. These towns last perhaps twelve months before they are again bulldozed and larger versions replace them.

‘Nobody questions why, but if anybody does, burly workers are sent on secret missions to eliminate the dissidents by kicking down their front doors. These workers are themselves paid in brown paper envelopes left at motorway service stations.

‘Normal workers must congregate in huge, purpose built multistory car-parks to collect their wages. Workers are fired and re-hired every two months. Most follow the state religion, Evansanity. Evansanity teaches the Gospel According to St Evans, retelling the Old Thompsonment, a story of how Evansland rebuilt itself from the ruins of the old Kingdom.

‘In this strange landscape, children are born minus four years old, talented youngsters are sold into slavery in Northampton and Lincoln, international laws are not recognised and history is re-written on a daily basis.

Further studies, however, have shown that Evansland is built upon shaky foundations. Geologist Christine Bruno cast doubt on the island’s capability to survive in the long term.

‘From the deep drilling and radar satellite data we have, we’ve managed to conclude that Evansland has been constructed on an enormous mound of bullshit,’ she said. ‘Even in the most generous of computer models, I give this island perhaps two years or less before it collapses spectacularly into the sea. Quite frankly, Evansland needs new ground.’

But Prime Minister Colin Woodcock disputed the findings in a rare interview.

‘Evansland may stink, but it’s a world we can all believe in,’ he said, before dramatically sinking up to his neck in a foul-smelling bog.

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