world discovered in North Sea: Evansland
Dumped bio-mass forms new society
scientists were stunned this morning when satellite photos revealed a
new landmass forming in the North Sea off the coast of Skegness.
The anomaly appears to be in the same area that Boston United director
Colin Woodcock dumped the server containing the club’s official
website at the suggestion of a fan, leading many observers to speculate
that the huge amount of organic waste contained on the server is responsible.
landed on the landmass hours after the startling discovery and found living
organisms, human in appearance, living in a highly developed society.
Prof Harold Tavern told impsTALK: ‘Low level fly-bys of the island
by the RAF revealed a new, hitherto untouched civilisation that has developed
beyond all known evolutionary laws. We landed a short while afterwards
and met little hostile resistance, although we were only allowed to land
once we confirmed our names weren’t Gary or Keith.
new society works in a similar way to an ants nest. At the top is a Queen,
but in fact in this colony the Queen is a King: a large male with a Scottish
accent who calls himself Evans. Underneath him is a thriving second-tier
of obedient workers who fan the King and allow him only the finest foods,
wines and top-brand mascara.
‘The rest of the colony is populated by workers who must fight for
the tiny scraps of food and make-up that remain, but who remain in thrall
of their leader and worship him with glazed-eyed obedience.’
The society calls itself Evansland, scientists have discovered, and although
highly developed the colony works slightly differently to the rest of
Dr Brian McFickgutt spent several hours observing the new world and made
some astonishing discoveries.
‘In Evansland, whole towns are bulldozed so bigger and better versions
can be built, usually around June and July. These towns last perhaps twelve
months before they are again bulldozed and larger versions replace them.
‘Nobody questions why, but if anybody does, burly workers are sent
on secret missions to eliminate the dissidents by kicking down their front
doors. These workers are themselves paid in brown paper envelopes left
at motorway service stations.
‘Normal workers must congregate in huge, purpose built multistory
car-parks to collect their wages. Workers are fired and re-hired every
two months. Most follow the state religion, Evansanity. Evansanity teaches
the Gospel According to St Evans, retelling the Old Thompsonment, a story
of how Evansland rebuilt itself from the ruins of the old Kingdom.
‘In this strange landscape, children are born minus four years old,
talented youngsters are sold into slavery in Northampton and Lincoln,
international laws are not recognised and history is re-written on a daily
Further studies, however, have shown that Evansland is built upon shaky
foundations. Geologist Christine Bruno cast doubt on the island’s
capability to survive in the long term.
‘From the deep drilling and radar satellite data we have, we’ve
managed to conclude that Evansland has been constructed on an enormous
mound of bullshit,’ she said. ‘Even in the most generous of
computer models, I give this island perhaps two years or less before it
collapses spectacularly into the sea. Quite frankly, Evansland needs new
But Prime Minister Colin Woodcock disputed the findings in a rare interview.
‘Evansland may stink, but it’s a world we can all believe
in,’ he said, before dramatically sinking up to his neck in a foul-smelling