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York Street pitch 'obliterated by UFO' claims terrified Blackwell
esure Insurance 'dubious at best'

An alien family from the planet Guthnark are in hiding somewhere in Friskney tonight after their mothership caused ‘untold damage’ to Boston United’s York Street pitch over the weekend, claimed the Pilgrims today.

The aliens, two adult and two junior, had travelled over six trillion light years in search of refuge after their home planet was hit by a star, eventually setting down at York Street on Saturday evening, nine billion years after embarking on their long voyage.

However, their super-hot retro rockets burnt a section of the pitch and within seconds they were met by a furious John Blackwell brandishing a rake, forcing them to evacuate to a nearby grain silo where they remain.

'I fought them on the pitch... I fought them on the terraces,' said a trembling Blackwell. 'I never gave in, even when they fired x-ray gamma guns at me.'

Chairman Jon Sotnick blasted the interstellar visitors, raging: ‘The money we would have used to pay off Noel Whelan at the end of the season has been wasted on replacing our pitch. I’m appalled at what’s happened. Quite frankly, we need a new ground. Groundsman. I meant groundsman.’

Chief Constable Bernard Pistolwhip of Lincolnshire Police said: ‘We’re hunting down the culprits. What they’ve done is ruin a perfectly good bit of turf with their nuclear fission-based rocket boosters. I don’t care where you come from - another galaxy or Wyberton, it makes no difference to me. I will hunt down and destroy these creatures like dogs - or at least I will once I’ve completed the 6,858 outstanding ASBOs I must have served by 2007.’

Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead commented: ‘What’s the difference between the pitch being destroyed now or in early September? None really. We’re still going to hoof it up to Jason Lee. A few brown stains on the grass won’t make much difference. Although, of course, it’s entirely plausible this is some kind of insurance scam that a team like Boston would never dream of thinking up in order free up cash to lure Figo from Madrid.’

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