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TUESDAY UPDATE: Dean West to discuss future, although has already been released
-
West confused

Boston United boss Steve Evans will meet with several squad members today to discuss their contacts with the club.

Evans, along with assistant Jim Rodwell, will meet Chris Holland, Simon Rusk, Stephen O’Donnell, Lee Thompson, Jermaine Easter, Courtney Pitt and Dean West to either offer new contracts or release the players at the end of the season.

However West, speaking exclusively to impsTALK, said: ‘What’s all this about then? he official website, in a global breaking-news development, announced on 27 April I wasn’t going to be retained. Quite frankly it’s a waste of my time and Evans knows it as well, the dildo.


BREAKING NEWS: Flock of seagulls spotted over York Street

Six seagulls flew over the Boston United’s StiffMistress Stand today, according to the club’s official website.

The sensational breaking news was reported three hours after the event by club officials. The news comes just several days after striker Jason Lee agreed a new one year deal, another news story that was flashed around the world’s newswires on the internet.

Jon Sotnick, the saviour of Boston United, told impsTALK: ‘All the exclusives now lie with this internet site, leaving people like you impsTALK guys of the loop I’m afraid. My message to Pilgrims fans is to stay tuned to www.bufc.co.uk for more developments - quite literally hours after they happen - as we continue to break news of tedious contract renewals as though we’re in Banda Aceh working for the Associated Press or something.’


FRIDAY UPDATE: United travel to The Saunders Honda Corporate Sell-Out (formerly known as the Deva) Stadium

Boston United will make the trip to Cheshire today ahead of Saturday’s less-than-crucial clash with Chester City at the daunting Saunders Honda (Deva) Stadium.

Boston’s latest signing Brad Maylett, speaking exclusively to impsTALK, said: ‘The Deva is just awesome and I always love playing there. It’s such an impressive stadium, one of the best in Chester.’

Chairman Jon Sotnick also enjoys games at Chester. ‘It’s an intimidating atmosphere in the finest stadia mankind has to offer,’ he said. ‘The Deva was quite obviously designed with Stalin in mind and is just the sort of charmless concrete bunker I’d like to build on Boardsides. Because we need a new ground.’


Beevers moves to bright lights

Boston defender Lee Beevers has today completed his transfer to Lincoln City from Boston United for an undisclosed fee, believed to be so low as to be not worth even discussing.

A delighted Beevers told impsTALK: 'What an opportunity. Now I get to play with marginally better players, in a marginally bigger stadium, in a marginally bigger city, in the same fucking league and still in the desolate wastelands of fucking Bostonshire or whatever they fucking call it. And to think I played for the Welsh U21s. You'd have thought my fucking agent would have at least spoken to Doncaster fucking Rovers, the useless fucking twat.'


Kirk gets 3.2 second run out

Northern Ireland boss Lawrie Sanchez belatedly gave prolific United striker Andy Kirk a run out in last night's 12-0 international friendly defeat against The Vatican City.

Northern Ireland were already 8-0 down and had been reduced to playing a milk crate and a severely dented skip up front when Sanchez made his move on 96 minutes.

'Obviously with Andy only playing in League 2, I didn't exactly want to throw him into the mix at international level,' Sanchez said at the post-match press conference. 'He really needs to move up a couple of levels and with a bit of luck he'll move himself up the pecking order at the same time. Until then, I'll be sticking with Roland Ratzenberger up front, even though he's a dead Formula One driver.'


Boston feels less-than-full force of nature's fury

223,000 people don't die in postponement controversy

Mother Nature reminded Bostonians just who's in charge last night as ferocious frost caused today’s derby game to be postponed at the last minute. Despite the cold weather, football fans across the region have expressed their outrage at the decision.

‘I’ve been on the road a whole hour,’ screamed one Lincoln fan. ‘I hear only half the pitch resembles an asphalt tennis court, so why can’t the game go ahead?’ Boston fans were bemused by the decision, having heard Steve Evans assuring them just hours earlier that a new NASA-funded anti-frost laser satellite system had worked.

‘Obviously the £1 billion Mr Evans says has been invested in this system has been in vain,’ said Bob Pollard, of rock band Guided by Voices, who has no interest in Boston United whatsoever.


Jason Lee 'can be taller' says Evans

Boston United striker Jason Lee could grow by up to six feet if Steve Evans' efforts to convince the player into painful genetic therapy are successful.

Evans has tailored his team around the less than mecurical talents of the ex-Forest man but believes the Pilgrims are being hampered by 'defenders'.

'What I have proposed to big Jase is that we send him to the Cleveland Clinic in America, and they subject him to horrific radiation-based DNA-altering treatments. When he returns he'll have six legs, a couple of antennae and a set of wings, but more importantly he'll be up to 75% taller, freeing us to play a long ball style that no other League 2 outfit could hope to compete with.'


Tam McManus calls home

McManus - 'Mum says she's cooking me bangers and mash for tea when I return'

Ineffective Scotsman Tam McManus has been promised his favourite dish of bangers and mash when he returns home to mum and dad, impsTALK has learned today.

The on-loan Hibs striker, who has not attracted any interest nor furthered his own first team chances in his anonymous time with the Pilgrims, has somehow failed to settle in Boston and is set to make an early return home.


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