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  News > 2003/2004 > Des Wood 'not real' claim

Des Wood in sensational 'not real' claim

The wrangling over the ownership of Boston United took another dramatic twist last night when it emerged that Des Wood is actually a figment of the Inland Revenue's imagination.

Des Wood revealed the news to a packed press conference of six people, claiming that he was a symptom of mental illness rampant in the Inland Revenue.

‘It's been proven,' Wood said. 'Tax officers across the world have hallucinated about people such as myself; untrustworthy, dubious, shady characters operating in the grey area between legitimate business and criminal extortion. But such people only exist in the minds of small children and now, sadly, income tax collectors.’

‘Yes it's true,’ Wood added. ‘Think of that film, Identity. I'm not real. I'm simply not real.’

The Inland Revenue released a statement in which it expressed the agency's ‘surprise’ at the news.

A spokesman said last night: ‘Obviously, given the financial disarray at Boston United we were extremely concerned for the future of the club. However, in light of recent events we have come to realise that Des Wood exists only in our minds.

'This comes as a surprise given the immense odds against several thousand people suffering from an identical delusional psychological disorder, and especially at the same time as each other. We will now seek professional help for all employees and now leave Boston United alone. The club is in the clear.’

Presumed ex-chairman Pat Malkinson, now actually owner as the FA does not recognise a club chairman if of ethereal manifestation, was also surprised at the news, but insisted that his own delusions were not due to mental illness.

‘Batemans,’ Malkinson said. ‘Too much Batemans.’

‘I’m glad to clear that up,’ Wood responded. ‘I will now remove myself to the inner cortex of the brain.’

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