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2002/2003 Results and reports

Lincoln sign ex-Banbury Utd groundsman

Lincoln City swooped to sign 49 year-old utility man Dave Crackle from Hook Norton FC yesterday, signing the player on an hour-to-hour contract.

Crackle told the Banbury Guardian: 'I'm delighted to make this move. I never expected to ever get into League football, especially as I stopped played twelve years ago.'

Crackle played for Daventry Town for six weeks in the early 90's before quitting the club to become head groundsman at Banbury Utd. Then came a move to Hook Norton where he tended the pitch of the North Oxfordshire club.

Keith Alexander said: 'Crackle is a great signing for us, one to watch for the future.'

When informed of Crackle's age, Alexander added: 'Oh look, the Red Arrows!' before running away.

Buy a seat campaign latest:

Supermarket giants ASDA buy 4,500 seats, dressing rooms, club offices, car park, all four stands

ASDA announced yesterday that they had bought 4,500 seats, all the dressing rooms, club offices, car park and stands at Sincil bank as part of Lincoln City's fund-raising campaign.

An ASDA spokesman told reporters yesterday that the chain was 'very, very pleased' to assist the troubled club.

The spokesman said: 'ASDA are, er, really committed to, er, helping out troubled non-league sides. I mean, league sides. We saw that Lincoln were in trouble and like vultures…. I mean, er, saviours, we swooped in to buy Sincil…no, I mean, a few seats for the Buy a Seat fund. And I can assure you that we are not planning to knock down Sincil Bank to build a supermarket. Not at all. Even slightly.'

'At least in the next month,' he added.

A visibly shaken Rob Bradley, sporting a broken arm, two black eyes and missing two front teeth, praised ASDA's actions. 'I love ASDA…. Very much. Yes… indeed,' Bradley said, before being driven away in a sinister black van.

Lincoln bid for Gumpchuster 'out of question' claim Knowsley United

Knowsley United have angrily denied reports that they are prepared to sell star striker Bobby Gumpchuster to Lincoln City, claiming that they no longer exist as a football team.

It was reported earlier today that Gumpchuster was prepared to pen an initial one-year contract at Sincil Bank, but Knowsley United chairman Alf Grimey, when questioned of the deal, insisted no talks had taken place between the two clubs, primarily because Knowsley folded in the mid 90s.

'Eh? We went out of business years ago,' Grimey told ImpTalk this afternoon. 'Gumpchuster, as far as I know, is bricklaying in Strathclyde and I'm now working for Claims Direct.'

'Where there's blame, there's a claim,' Grimey added.

Imps boss Keith Alexander has admitted he is interested in signing the striker. 'We've heard good things about him from our scouts. He's quick, he can score from practically anywhere on the pitch and that's what we need right now,' Alexander said.

It later emerged that Alexander's interest was prompted by the discovery of a six-year old scouting report found behind a filing cabinet as his office was being cleared by bailiffs.

Lincoln chairman Rob Bradley said of the deal: 'It would be a major boost for us to get Gumpchuster on board, but although I've tried to get in touch with Knowsley all I get is Pizza Express.'

Bobby Gumpchuster was not available for comment, although his wife did confirm he is still alive.

Bradley makes drunken bid for Blomqvist

Lincoln City chairman Rob Bradley made an unsuccessful bid to lure Everton star Jesper Blomqvist to Sincil Bank last week, it has emerged today. Everton refused to consider the bid, leading Bradley to threaten Everton boss David Moyes.

Bradley attempted the bid under the terms of the deal struck between the two clubs last year, a deal which has so far failed to bring any new talent to Lincoln.

The move for Blomqvist came after Bradley and Imps manager Keith Alexander were involved in a heavy drinking session in Lincoln city centre last Tuesday.

Regulars at the Walkabout Inn said Alexander cajoled Bradley into ringing Everton.

'They were wasted,' said one witness. 'It was an all day drinking session and they were being really loud. Then Alexander pushed Bradley out of the door and they went out to the payphone, laughing.'

A spokesman for Everton football club said: 'I can confirm that we did receive a phone call from Lincoln City last week. The chairman seemed quite drunk, and was slurring. He said he wanted Blomqvist under the terms of the deal we struck last year. We said no immediately.'

Everton claim Bradley then became abusive when David Moyes rejected the bid. Bradley is reported to have told Moyes to 'watch his back'.

Jesper Blomqvist said, through his agent: 'I have had no contact with anybody from Lincoln Wanderers. I am very happy in England, and do not wish to move into foreign semi-professional football just yet.'

*Although about two days after this story was written, Blomqvist was released on a free transfer.

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