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Older seasons

Latics promotion 'deserved' says Mark
Lawrenson, 21

Malkinson: 'We need a new ground'

Northern Premier League Champions Boston United have missed out on promotion to the Football League after Wigan Athletic were sensationally elected to Division Four today. The Latics will replace Southport after applying for membership 28 times previously.

Despite finishing as distant runners up, it is believed that the fact that Wigan's ground boasts running water was enough to sway the League's ground inspectors.

Distraught Pilgims boss Mick Walker, when told Boston had been overlooked, said: ‘I wish Wigan all the best but let’s face it, they’ll be back down here sooner rather than later. I can't see their stay in the professional world being a long one, certainly no longer than five years - tops.'

Top goal scorer Jim Kabia concurred. ‘We’re a bigger club than Wigan,’ he said. ‘We’ll be in the league before long. We'll work on the ground, but we won't compromise the quality on the pitch. Our financial problems are firmly in the past now. We'll be back, I can assure the fans of that.'

Wigan found an unlikely supporter after Republic of Ireland international Mark Lawrenson, 21, needlessly hailed Wigan’s promotion as ‘a great day for football’.

An artist's impression of two people discussing Boston's contentious omission from the Football League through the rancid fag-smoke fug and racist bigotry of the 1970s

'I have no idea why I felt compelled to say that,' the talented youngster said. 'But had Boston been promoted with their ground it would have been a disgrace - a dark stain on the dank underbelly of football.'

Back in Boston, United chairman Ernest Malkinson spoke of his disappointment, laying the blame squarely on the state of York Street.

‘Look at this dump,’ Malkinson said. ‘Football moves on. These days you can’t get away with a pitch and partially flooded dressing rooms. No, you need a roof, drainage, seats and basic sanitation. Quite frankly, if Boston United is to reach its full potential we are going to need a new ground.’

The charismatic chairman also admitted that the crushing disappointment had shaken his faith in football and he'd had second thoughts about continuing his family's long ownership of the Pilgrims.

'Part of me does wonder if Boston needs a professional team,' he said. 'The future is in the Braves speedway team, I'm telling you. I could invest in that. Or the expanding port - I'm sure there's good money there. And that Haven Cinema is going places, I reckon it'll be the East Midland's premier entertainment complex by 1990. Believe me.'

Fans gathered outside York Street to console each other. Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead, 20, was furious at the Latic's elevation.

'In all the three years I've been watching the likes of tin-pot teams like Macclesfield or Scarborough it's been in the knowledge that, at some point, we would be elected into the league,' he spat. 'And now they tell us the ground's not good enough? What do we have to do to get in for God's sake? Bribe and cheat our way into the League?'

Ardent Buzzcocks fan and club secretary John Blackwell attempted toput a positive spin on Wigan's promotion. 'I'm sure in 27 years or so we'll look back on this and have a chuckle,' he said. 'I very much doubt this will haunt us at all. Let's put this in perspective for a moment: the Soviet Union could unleash a barrage of nuclear warheads tomorrow and we'd forget about this in an instant.'

'Cut your hair, you fucking hippie,' added Blackwell.

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